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im at a loss how to help my daughter

(12 Posts)
crackalacking Mon 12-Dec-16 10:52:58

Hi i'm new here ....i don't know how to help my daughter who is 15 .
her dad and i split up nearly 3 years ago and since then he hasnt put the effort in to see her or my other two sons.he lives in the same town as us but for what ever reasons he wont try to see them.this is the main reason why she struggles so much ,her self esteem is at an all time low ,she is very intelligent as does well at school but cant cope with the pressure of the exams coming up ,she hates the way she looks even though to all who know her she is gorgeous. she is very low and we have been to the child and adolescent mental health team who said she wasn't depressed ,they suggested she have counselling ....she tried it for a few sessions and she didn't feel it helped her at all.they said she was highly anxious and she has regular panic attacks at home and at school. the gp said she cant have anti depressants as she is too young and to be honest i don't want her to take them but she feels that is the only option for her .she talks of not being here she sees nothing to live for and says everyday is an uphill struggle .she has no plans for the future .im so upset and worried about her and dont know what else i can do .we do have a family support worker who sees her once every two weeks at school and she tries to work on her self esteem. it doesn't help that all her friends exclude her from social gatherings because of her panic attacks and all she does all day at school is cry .she is exhausted and so am i ....any advice would be helpful at this point .thanks for reading so far .

MarthaSF321 Mon 12-Dec-16 16:20:43

Hi
I could have written your post almost word for word. I haven't really got much advice except be there for her as a mum and take one day at a time.
Are there any problems at school? What year is your DD? If she's year 10 is it worth giving her a few weeks off to recover from what is obviously a very upsetting time? I appreciate if she's year 11 this may be trickier.
I have taken my DD year 9 out of school for the rest of the term because she was spending every day in school having panic attacks, crying and having to come home. She was learning nothing, so it seemed the best thing to do while we try and regroup. TBH I'm more concerned about her mental well being than GCSE's . (these can always be done later or even not at all)
My DD also has issues with her dad (my ExH) which certainly don't help.
I would keep seeing CAMHS if you can, even if you and your DD feel that it isn't helping at the moment they are a gateway to other services if you need them.
Are there any hobbies she likes doing? Sports?
I hope you get some good advice from mumsnetters and that you and your dd feel more positive soon. flowers

crackalacking Mon 12-Dec-16 22:41:07

She is in year 11 so just a few months until her GCSE'S ....She is quite dedicated to doing well which is a plus and whilst she has had a few days off here and there for the most part she will go in but lately she has been in tears all day in spends alot of the school day in her house managers office.
He was lives near by but I himself struggling with depression .he doesn't have his own place to live and so he can't ever have the kids to stay over . When he has seen them which is once In a blue moon ....a chance encounter he will just spend that time talking about me which further makes her feel abandoned.
So sad for her ....I just want her to be happy but don't know how to get her there.

crackalacking Mon 12-Dec-16 22:42:05

Sorry that didn't make sense ...
I was referring to her father

crackalacking Mon 12-Dec-16 22:44:20

She hates sport and she does nothing but stay in her room on her mobile phone ....She is anemic and her a bad allergy to dust so feels ill alot of the time .She has no interest in a hobby .

Clankboing Mon 12-Dec-16 22:51:59

She isn't too young for antidepressants. I know an 11 year old who has them. Would ringing Mind help? Do you do anything nice together to keep her spirits up? Has she lost weight or put it on quickly?

EmeraldIsle100 Mon 12-Dec-16 23:20:05

The poor little thing she does not sound one bit well and she needs help.

As Clank says Mind is a great resource. Young Minds is a great resource for children and adolescents with mental health problems. Their website is at: www.youngminds.org.uk/.

You can ring and speak to someone for advice. They are the experts so it would be worth giving them a ring.

My DD (19) spent time in a psychiatric ward recently and is out now and really well. She told me that she had been having the feelings your daughter currently has going back to when she was 14/15.

I would keep the visits to her father to a minimum as he is not a positive influence on her and is contributing to her feelings of worthlessness. He sounds like a carbon copy of my EXH and whilst in hospital in therapy it emerged that his behaviour had damaged my DD. She got therapy for this and it really really helped her.

Talk to the school and her GP again and keep talking to anyone who will listen. I have no experience of CAMHS and other MNs will know more but it working with them opens up access to other services that could be helpful.

She might benefit from being in a children's mental hospital and if anyone ever suggests this to you please don't be frightened, being in hospital was the best thing that happened to my daughter.

I wish you well and I hope things work out for you and your DD.

OhTheRoses Mon 12-Dec-16 23:27:02

Or you could push for her to see the CAMHS psychiatrist rather than a nurse. Early intervention prevents hospital admissions and helps people get well more easily and more quickly.

crackalacking Mon 19-Dec-16 13:45:33

She is refusing to go to school because her make up didn't go well ?? And i didn't reach to that in the way she wanted .her family support lady is here now talking to her . I'm just so worn out with her drama . She is the one who can help herself she just doesn't want to . Spoke to young minds on the parents helpline they said she seems to have anxiety and to have CBT but she won't . The lady also felt that she is bullyinge and hanging all her woes on me which isn't fair . She spoke to me for an hour and it did help me . Should i make a gp appointment for myself to discuss my worries about her or take her with me ?

crackalacking Mon 19-Dec-16 13:46:01

React*

EmeraldIsle100 Thu 22-Dec-16 22:03:07

I would definitely see your GP on your own your for your own sake because you are going through a tough time. It is really stressful dealing with a teenager going through a difficult time and I know I felt bullied by my DD too.

Make an appointment for your DD on her own and maybe she might be able to open up a bit to her doctor without you being there. I know my DD did this and it helped not having me there.

I know it sounds ridiculous to us but to a lot of teenage girls make-up and looking good is everthing and I know you know this but there is more going on than just the make-up. Teenage girls are under dreadful pressure to look good and I hate this so much!! Social media is doing young people no favours. It has been in the press a lot recently and mental illness is rising in young teens at an alarming rate.

Take her out for a coffee/milk shake and tell her that you are always there for her. Try to get her on your side outside of the house when things can be extremely fraught. I don't mean to sound flippant by suggesting this but in my experience it is very easy to react the wrong way when its a busy school day and taking some time out might help her realise how much you care and want to support her.

Some of the worst times I had with my DD were in the morning trying to get her out to school. Absolute hell would probably be a better description and my reactions to her behaviour were exactly what not to do. Try your absolute best not to rise to it.

You sound like a caring mum and you can help her. You are most definitely not alone even though it seems that way.

Molly333 Sun 05-Mar-17 22:07:40

This could hv been written about my daughter , so so sad indeed. I tried everything but what saved us all in the end was family therapy. The lady involved I had previously spoken about what had happened regarding my daughter and her dad and she unpicked over time all the things he'd done which had made her feel sad and unwanted but somehow over time there was a distinct shift to actually he was at fault and we were in fact an amazing successful family , her particularly was a beautiful clever girl who had the world ahead of her . It was so a distinct shift away from feeling a loss to an exiting future out there for her. She defo become more positive as we all did actually to him being so less I'm portent. That scared lost little girl is now amazingly popular and off to uni as a confident girl. Get a family therapist / counsellor who will give u all confidence x good luck

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