Son, 14, refuses to see a counsellor

[Shivy4711]

My ds has become very withdrawn and depressed over the past few weeks. He had issues with his friends and has been spending a lot of time alone in his room. I discovered that he was self harming I begged him to see a counsellor and even made appointments for him but he point blank refused to go. I have tried everything to try and convince him that it will help, even bribery and the promise that if he doesn't like it he doesn't have to go back. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated please I'm at my wits end I feel like I can't take my eyes off him incase he harms himself and he will not talk to me about his problems or feelings or to any of my family members. I've written letters to him to try and reassure him but that fell on deaf ears too. I'm just at a loss as to why he won't accept help

[bettysviolin]

Have you contacted the counsellor and told them how he's responding? They might be able to give some advice, or even speak on the phone to him at first. Have you told school? He may feel less able to turn down plans of help from them. Just guessing here.

Do you know the cause of his friendship problems?

[Shivy4711]

I had made two different appointments with counsellors both times I rang and told them he was refusing to go and they said I couldnt force him and to call back if he changed his mind. He's finished school now for the summer holidays unfortunately ( Ireland), I think we'd be in a better position if he was still in school. I did try to get him to speak to someone on the phone but he keeps telling me he is fine! I gave him some helpline numbers that he could call/text but I don't think he did
He was in a romantic relationship with one of his female friends and she finished with him. He only had a couple of close friends an they have left him to hang out with the girl. They had no time for him because he was heartbroken and were quite mean to him, I've found all this out through my mummy detective skills he hasn't told me anything other than his friends were being nasty to him. I feel so sorry for him !!

[bettysviolin]

Shivy, it may be that he's not depressed, but just getting over heartbreak. It's horrible for us to witness but perfectly normal for them to have rough times in life and to feel very low for short periods because of that. I'd call it depression if there wasn't a cause, and if he doesn't pull through it.

Why not just take him out for a treat somewhere - get him a cool haircut that maybe school wouldn't allow, and take him for lunch somewhere, to cheer him up. Just to let him know you are on his side, but not pushing him.

Could you chat over his plans for the summer holidays and make sure he is signed up for something specific for at least two weeks - a sports club or work experience - something that gets him out of the house and interacting with new people. That might get his spirits up as much as a counsellor would.

Does he have any cousins or friends from other places that you could nudge him to spend time with?

[sillymummy11]

As an ex self harmer please don't feel you can't take your eyes off him. If he wants to, he'll do it. He will know you want to help him- you've offered counselling maybe in time, if he doesn't feel better, he might take it up. As Betty says, might just be dealing with relationship fallout. Just be 'there' for him you sound like a very caring mum- lucky son.

[Shivy4710]

Thanks for the replies, Betty sorry I'm only replying now I had to make a new account! Thanks for your suggestions I really appreciate it, I actually let him dye his hair blue last week which is something he's wanted to do for ages! That cheered him up a little and we went out shopping the following day and he enjoyed himself but getting him to do anything else with me is like pulling teeth :( He's just not interested :( He has no cousins unfortunately but he is going to an adventure camp next monday for the week so hopefully he will enjoy that. He's just spending all his time alone in his room otherwise

Sillymummy thanks so much for your post . He hasn't self harmed since and the dark mood has lifted ever so slightly so I'm hoping we're on the right track x