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Don't know where to put this but need help for DD1 and so angry with DH

(15 Posts)
sweetkitty Wed 12-Mar-14 21:44:03

I'll try and be brief DD1 nearly 10 has always been a sensitive child, she's bubbly, lovely and caring. Last year she broke a bone in her ankle and needed a cast only for a week but she was so stressed about it and when it came to hospital visits she would scream the place down.

This year she caught her finger in a door, ripped off her nail, broke the bone serious damage she had a 2 day stay in hospital and a operation, she cried the whole time practically then at the outpatient appointments.

Now she has done sort of medical anxiety she hates hospitals and everything medical, is always stressing about hurting herself etc.

Today she had a first orthodontist appointment, I explained to her what was going to happen (X-ray impressions photos etc) they were very good with her but she was shaking in the chair and had a meltdown with the X-ray.

Tonight DH went to tuck the DC in and then I heard him shouting at DD1 things like get a grip. So I asked him why he was shouting at her. He said my softly softly approach hasn't worked so he's trying something else. Escalated into an argument with me saying shouting at a 9 year old child is not going to make her better, he said it's typical if me to say his way is wrong but not to have a solution, I said of course I don't have a solution I'm not a child psychologist. I said I know how your making me feel as an adult shouting at me imagine how it makes a 9 year old feel.

Went to see DD1 whose upset but saying sorry DH was shouting at me I told her not to worry we were just disagreeing and spoke to her again about not worrying about things and although the X-ray was scary it's over and sometimes in life we have to do things that we don't like but know they are good for us.

I'm so worried about DD1 she seems so fragile and livid with DH for thinking shouting at her will make her toughen up or something. Thanks if you've read all of this

craftysewer Thu 13-Mar-14 01:45:10

It's difficult when you both have different ways of approaching things isn't it? I'm more like you in that I explain about things and try and support the dc's in their life. DH is more 'get over it'. I agree that shouting at her won't help and may actually make her worse in the long run if she feels she cannot come to either of you to talk about her fears. Maybe it's a case of going back to baby steps, explain to the dentist what has happened with the hospital and take her next treatment in stages? Not sure how t handle DH though?

SigningGirl Thu 13-Mar-14 15:18:20

I'd be fuming at my Dh for this. who shouts at a 9 year old for that? it isn't like she can help how she feels, even some adults don't necessarily have the control over their feelings in situations like this.

I would see your gp, who may have some suggestions for things like cbt or things like that to support your daughter. I understand the softly softly approach, it is my first way as well, but you are right, it might be time to get her some more help if it hasn't worked so far.

Either way your husband should have spoken to you and worked as a team, not shouted at your daughter.

atthestrokeoftwelve Thu 13-Mar-14 15:21:57

Is you OH your DDs father?

SigningGirl Thu 13-Mar-14 17:17:39

I wondered this too...

sweetkitty Thu 13-Mar-14 23:06:01

Yes DH is DD1s father and is a very good one, I know this is borne out of sheer frustration, he heard his DD crying in bed went in and asked her what was wrong and I think let his frustration get the better if him hmm I'm still not happy though and am so angry at him shouting at her.

She came downstairs at 10pm tonight sobbing saying she had "bad thoughts" I asked what they were and she said about the dentist. I had a chat with her about it again hmm

The worrying thing is I can see me in her I remember being 11 and starting to worry about everything, I had rubbish parents though and that plus a number of things have led me to have anxiety, depression and low self worth, I obviously worry for her hmm

SigningGirl Fri 14-Mar-14 13:18:25

what's done is done with your dh.

I'd try to sit down the three of you and apologise for dh shouting, explaining that he was frustrated because he doesn't like seeing dd upset, but then she shouldn't have done it.

ask her if she wants to get some support to make the bad thoughts about medical appointments go away and if so book her an appointment at the gp.

I know in itself getting to this appointment is going to be tough, but either you reassure dd that all they want to do is talk, or get the initial appointment on your own and go from there. good luck...

SigningGirl Fri 14-Mar-14 13:19:10

*he shouldn't have done it... not she

Middleagedmotheroftwo Fri 14-Mar-14 13:23:19

You know what? If she feels that nervous and stressed about seeing the orthodontist, I wouldn't bother. I would wait until she's a teenager, and more concerned about her looks (and teeth). The desire for a nice smile might help her overcome her anxiety. Teeth can be fixed at any age, and she's still very young.

atthestrokeoftwelve Fri 14-Mar-14 13:32:55

Middle- I totally agree. My DD has a great orthodontist who is of the opinion that the work can be done this year, next year 10 years or never. No rush to get it done. Your DD doesn't want the treatment now- I would leave it, She can decide for herself when and if to get it done, at 14, 16, 18 or 25.
Ther is no golden window of opportunity that she will miss.

mummytime Fri 14-Mar-14 13:49:14

I would also talk to your GP about her anxiety.
Shouting at her is definitely not going to help, but your softly softly isn't solving it either. Maybe you need to look for some alternative strategies. Does your school have a home school link worker? They could help or be able to suggest something. Someone other than you might be able to find out what is making her so anxious.

I would agree with putting off Orthodontics, but something else may happen needing medical treatment, and she needs to be able to cope.

mummytime Fri 14-Mar-14 13:50:54

Maybe this would help her?

sweetkitty Fri 14-Mar-14 16:19:28

The orthodontist was just a initial consultation, they've decided to just have another look in a year but it will be 2 years plus before they even think about doing anything.

When she caught her finger in the door it was a very nasty one, at first they thought the bone and nailbed was gone. She had to spend the night in hospital then nil by mouth all the next day waiting for her op. She was very distressed and crying hysterically even being told she had to stay in hospital, then putting on a gown and the whole theatre thing.

She then had 2 outpatients appointments where they cleaned it up and took out the stitches she was hysterical then too. Her finger is nearly healed now they did a great job and managed to save the nail bed.

Getting her to the doctors would be awful in itself I would imagine hmm

sweetkitty Fri 14-Mar-14 16:20:35

Going to look at those books thanks

ToFollowJulie Fri 14-Mar-14 16:30:15

I have just the same problem with DH and my DD, who is 16 and is suffering with anxiety about school. DD is really struggling and has GCSE stress on top of it all. I've been sympathetic but firm - saying she must go to school but trying to make it as easy for her as possible - but every now and again DH loses his temper and shouts at DD. He is just so frustrated by the situation and not knowing how to make it better.

I hope your DD improves. It's worth seeing your GP if the problem persists.

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