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School avoidance 12 yr dd with nausea retching etc

(93 Posts)
cestlavielife Thu 11-Oct-12 23:01:05

Dd 12 has had dizziness and nausea since June missed last half term of school. On and off in summer possibly vestibular neuronitis but not recovered. ENT and paed suggest psych issues. Referred to CAMHS but seems they fighting between hospital based cams and local team where we finally got apps for some family issues (separated moved from fami,y home with dc 2008) contact has been difficult with ex with mh issues and bullying behaviours .

Dd doesn't wish to see dad. So doesn't.

Got her to school a few days; tutor was helpful, send her in once she here she fine .
But since last Friday she is retching, says is more dizzy, pallid, slumped literally can't get her up. Tutor says drag her to school .she needs to be here. The medical reports don't justify her absence because they don't say she is too ill for school. They say lack of recovery may be due to psychological symptoms. But even if psychological her symptoms are "real "

I really don't know how much to push shout scream drag physically or if that is the wrong way ?
Cajoling doesn't work

Threatening " if you don't go you gong to fail the year " just causes more anxiety.(school is not a lea school so not same level of pastoral care or support it would seem....

If can get appt with CAMHS what can they do and what can they write to justify her absence from school ?
If is anxiety (she loves school, no issues it makes no sense... ) then is still "genuine" reason. ?

Don't know what to do really...

HappyStreet Sun 17-Nov-13 11:22:25

Hi All. Hope everyone's OK. We've had a really good term so far and my DD is enjoying her new school and its small, friendly environment. She's managing all morning now (4 days a week) and her next step is to try a whole day, which if she takes slowly and only one day a week at first, is a manageable goal. She's less anxious now on a morning but still suffers dreadfully with her nerves. It's not just a case of us leaving the house, we have to go through the ritual of breathing methods and going to the loo several times before we get into the car. She's making great progress though and at last we have some hope for the future. Glad things are happier for you Oncebubbly. We had a home tutor for 5 hours a week and CBT once a week at the beginning and then as she improved once a month . We live in Yorkshire and have been looked after really well by the health service and council. I consider us to be very lucky.

Oncebubbly Thu 07-Nov-13 22:24:24

Hi. Wondered how you were all getting on. We are a little better in that dd is happier. Still not in class though. Also we are in Scotland and we don't get tutor. Sounds like you all do. Tell me how often does your DC get CBT and tutor.

HappyStreet Sat 19-Oct-13 11:25:51

Hi all. How's everyone doing? Nice to hear from you again cestlavielife. Sounds like your dd's school was as sympathetic as all of ours but at least you have a diagnosis now and your daughter sounds to be getting some life back. Hope you're successful with your dd's new school. My dd managed to go on a team building trip this week which was amazing! Unfortunately she was ill the next 2 days and couldn't manage to go to school but she's doing much better and I'm trying not to get stressed when she has negative days. How are you doing Loveliesbleeding1? Has your dd had her CBT yet? Hope it went well and you now have your home tutor.

cestlavielife Tue 08-Oct-13 13:46:49

hi all, DD was eventually diagnosed by neuro with chronic migraine disorder. she taking migraine preventative proponalol and it is heloping a little.
headache clinic v much of opinion the symptoms part of a chirnic migraine ie nausea dizziiness headaches etc and is about managing them...that it can go on during teen eyars but hopefully will resolve somewhat. she gets benefit from the fore head menthol stick.

she started at the hospital school as outpatient and has been managing three to four days per week - usually i take her but she mananges bus home, ususally with another girl from the hospital school. so much better than a year ago!

her pvs school made it clear they could not handle child who pitched up as and when (in their words) so trying to get place at local community secondary (which v good and of course is "full"), application going in on socio-medical grounds. fingers crossed she can get a place and gradually transfer...

HappyStreet Sun 06-Oct-13 19:18:18

Hi everyone. How are you all? Hope things are a little brighter or you've got some positives out of the last couple of weeks. My dd has at last got some of her "old self" back. She is more positive about going to her school and managed a whole week of mornings again last week. She came out "buzzing" on Thursday (they only do 4 days a week). Hope the CBT went well with your dd Lovelies. It didn't take long for us to get a tutor once CAMH's got involved so hope this is the case for you. My dd is so much more happier now that she hasn't got someone on her back, trying to get her back into school. She's making more progress now she's being left to her own devices than she was when school were involved pushing her to do this, that and the other and doesn't feel like she's a "naughty girl" who isn't attending school. We still have problems don't get me wrong, but she is happy at the moment and that makes such a difference.

loveliesbleeding1 Thu 26-Sep-13 20:56:03

Hi happy dd starts cbt on monday, so im crossing fingers!! We have had a camhs consultant referal for the home tutoring, so hopefully that should start soon too.your dd did so,so well to do all those mornings!a whole week, you must be so proud,has she gone back again the rest of this week?.
floralnomad school are always pushing us for more attendance too, last week we had a meeting with year head.she told us "management" want dd on a half day timetable within the next few weeks, I nearly laughed in her face! Just remember attendance is their job, you know what your own child is capable of, hang in there!.
notquitegrownupsuch a reassuring post, thank you so dd has just asked for a guitar for xmas, she told me some of the rock stars she likes had anxiety when they were younger, so I think she feels like they have something in common.
Thinking of you all.

HappyStreet Tue 24-Sep-13 09:10:31

Oh thanks for such a positive message. It's great to hear a success story. It gives us hope for the future. At the moment I feel as though we're stuck in a hole and can't get out! It's such a vicious circle.

Notquitegrownup Mon 23-Sep-13 20:05:45

Wow. Just came across this thread and wanted to send support to all of you lovely ladies, and your children. My Godson was diagnosed with CFS aged 13 after a nasty dose of flu having been a madly sporty, fun loving, academic lad. He went through 5 years of what you are describing here - the school refusing, dizziness, anxiety . . .

His (private) school were fortunately supportive and allowed him to negotiate a timetable around how he was feeling. They encouraged him to go in but didn't force it. With some home tutoring he muddled through 5 GCSEs and 2 A levels - just enough to get to Uni, though it was always touch and go whether he would get into school enough to complete the courses. Just wanted to let you know that there is hope: the day he went to Uni his symptoms pretty much disappeared and he recently graduated with a high 2.1 and a lovely girlfriend too - they have just got engaged.

Thinking of you all as you go through this very tough route and hoping that his story can offer you a bit of hope.

(Oh, just one more thing to add. He loved playing the guitar, and that was a real rock during the darker times. It was something he could practice, in his room, alone, and did so for hours on end.)

Floralnomad Mon 23-Sep-13 19:36:14

Hi can I join in here as I have similar issues . My daughter is 14 and has just gone into yr10 , she has CFS and has been out of full time education since the start of yr8 . She is currently under the health needs for education service and has a home tutor . Although her CFS is still present most of our main issues now are anxiety about change including school attendance . This term we agreed she would go into the health needs school 2 afternoons (1.5hrs) a week ,we have done this so far but on each occasion have had panic attacks /stress , we have been asked to go for a review in October and I know they will push for more attendance at school and less of the tutor . I'm not prepared to shift from the current arrangement at the moment but did say to my husband tonight that I can see a time when I will have to de register and HE for the sake of all our sanity . We already plan to de register at the end of yr 11 and do A levels at home , I had hoped that she could have stayed in the system prior to that . My DD has minimal contact with old friends and may well be interested in getting in touch with others in a similar position , she too is overly attached to the dog ! Sorry for the length of this post .

HappyStreet Mon 23-Sep-13 19:11:43

Thanks for listening to me rambling. I'm sorry you are going through this too but it's good to have someone to ramble to. My dd had a personality transplant last Sunday and she managed to get into her new school every morning last week. She was on such a high over the weekend. It's been brilliant! However, this morning she felt sick (the anxiety makes her stomach churn and as a result makes her feel sick) and I know from experience once she feels sick there's no chance of her going out of the house (she has a fear of people seeing her being sick). So, she's spent today depressed, anxious and alone. If only she could keep up the small steps it would give me some hope. The ups and downs with anxiety are incredible. How are things with everyone else? So sorry Lovelies. Has your daughter had any CBT yet? Has she got a home tutor?

loveliesbleeding1 Fri 20-Sep-13 09:17:18

Im sorry happy,I know you were pinning your hopes on dds new school, I hope this is just a blip,my dd is thesame at the mo, we havent been into school at all this term, she has started to wear all black clothes now and Is really down.i wish to god I had an answer to all this,oncebubbly that is such a good analogy, and I completely understand the dog relationship, as my dd is exactly the same with our old girl, she calls her her best friend, its unbelievable how similar our girls all are.

Oncebubbly Wed 18-Sep-13 07:48:20

Just realised I rambled on a bit too much last night. Apologies. I just want to speak to you all because our problems are all so similar!!

Oncebubbly Tue 17-Sep-13 22:29:34

Happy street maybe going for a whole day was too much. This has happened to my dd before. Have you checked with school to see if anything happened on Tuesday. We have had so many ups and downs and dd not been at school much for nearly two years. She is now year 10 and she desperately wants to get back but is finding it so hard. Maybe giving your dd a little time and make sure she knows you are there when she is ready to talk. My dd always felt she had let me and her teachers and herself down if she failed to achieve the goal she had set herself. Her goal was too high. I feel much the same as you sound very sad. Where do we go from here and how do I help her. What will she do after school. We just need to keep strong. What I have discovered is that you need to shout and pester to get help. I try and make sure she has things to do outwith school. She has recently started horse riding and helping at stables. We go shopping regularly and treat ourselves. When she gets angry with her situation (brought on by anxiety) i start a play fight with her and we now regularly do this and we end up laughing. Another thing is our dog has been a godsend for her over the past two years. At one time she was her only friend. She has just been to see me with a twitter comment she has seen. A physcologist asked a class how heavy a glass of water was. They all guessed different weights and she said to the class that it didn't matter what it weighed. The fact was if you held the glass for a few seconds it wouldn't affect you. If you held it for half an hour it would begin to feel heavy and if you held it for a day your arm would begin to feel numb and you would start to feel horrible. She said you need to put it down and this is how she explained anxiety. You need to put your problems down sometime and rest. I am only now beginning to understand the feelings of anxiety. Dd does not like busy places I.e classroom or shops. This is because her brain is constantly scanning for danger and she cannot cope with this where there are a lot of people. CBT deals with this sort of thing. I have been trying to get dd CBT for the past year since we got her abdominal migraines under control. I Am still pushing. I do hope things improve for you. Keep us informed.

HappyStreet Sat 14-Sep-13 14:24:59

How things can change in a week. My dd started off so well (perhaps too well). She managed to attend a meeting on Monday at her new small school for years 10 and 11 teenagers with anxiety and said she would spend the next morning there. She managed all day! She said she enjoyed it and has made a friend. However since Tuesday she has become a different girl. She hasn't been out since and has completely shut down. She won't open up to me, has lost all the confidence she gained over the summer. I can't believe where my lovely daughter and friend has gone again. I don't know how to communicate with her and feel as though we have gone right back to how she was 18 months ago! How on earth do we turn their brains around. She has no chance in life if she carries on like this. I'm so worried. I know it's early days but this has gone on so long now I thought things would have turned a corner by now. Feeling so sad again. She was so happy during the holidays and now she's in her bedroom and won't talk.

loveliesbleeding1 Fri 06-Sep-13 13:29:40

drummersma could you possibly ask your gp to sign your dd off school for a while? This seems very unfair for the principal to be acting like this, your daughter is ill at the moment.maybe a note would give credence to just how your dd is suffering, I wouldnt wish anxiety or panic attacks on anybody, they are just awful.

drummersma Fri 06-Sep-13 11:35:37

We've just run into this, literally this week. DD1 had a never-before, out-of-the-blue panic attack sitting her first GCSE in summer. She took all subsequent exams in a separate room and achieved outstanding results, in spite of her anxieties. She has become increasingly withdrawn since June and has been referred to CAMHS. The school (highly-rated local academy) has her on their gifted register. This week, when she should have started sixth form, she had a massive panic attack and couldn't leave her room. We haven't made it beyond the school entrance since. Did she get any support from school or the SENCo? Instead, I got a call from the principal basically informing us that if she isn't back in school by next Friday then she will be taken off the register and kicked out "in her best interests". Just felt so betrayed. DD1 WANTS to carry on working at home until she can get back into school but the principal is blanking all our efforts to get syllabus info from the teachers.
It's a nightmare - and because she is post-16 there doesn't seem to be anything we can do about it.

loveliesbleeding1 Fri 06-Sep-13 09:49:55

oncebubbly, thats a great idea for them to talk, I am just trying to get dd to talk to other children at the moment and she really struggles, she has just turned 12, so once she is a bit more settled I will see how she feels about contact, thank you for dd managed to go In with her resilience worker yest and pick up a timetable, and then home.i am really proud of her as she was very very anxious about doing it.
blessthismess thats wonderful, you must be so pleased, hope everything goes to plan!
happystreetso glad your dd is feeling positive now, and lovely to hear shes feeling happy again, hope all goes well next week.

HappyStreet Thu 05-Sep-13 20:56:50

Well done your DD Bless! Hope she continues with these steps as it's something she can build on and gain confidence from. Just don't be disappointed if she has a "blip". I really hope this is a turning point for you. My DD starts next Tuesday and I must say she is really positive and the happiest I've seen her in ages at the moment.

Once Bubbly, my dd is 15 and has lost most of her friends through anxiety. At the moment though she is gearing herself up to going to her new school so when she has settled in I will ask what she thinks about communicating with your dd.

BlessThisMess Thu 05-Sep-13 20:34:51

Once bubbly, I will ask my DD what she thinks about being in touch with others who feel the same way. She is 12.

BlessThisMess Thu 05-Sep-13 20:33:21

The return to school has gone better than I expected. She delayed like mad on Weds morning but wasn't in tears or refusing to get up. DH took her up to school at about 11am and then followed about 20 mins negotiation in reception about what she would or wouldn't do, with DD mostly in 'freeze' mode. At the beginning of break a friend came and met her and in the end she agreed to go up to Student Support to spend break time with her friends, and then see whether she felt comfortable staying to do any work. She stayed about an hour :-)

Today she went in without any fuss (though late again) and stayed an hour, and said it was ok.

Tomorrow morning we have a meeting with psychologist, SENCO, and speech therapist to make plans.

Oncebubbly Tue 03-Sep-13 10:07:39

Hello again. I wrote on this thread some time ago and was surprised today to see it ongoing. I have still got the exact same problems as all of you with my dd now 14 years. Has struggled with getting into class since oct 2011. Not really had much education in all that time. We have applied to small school for kids who cannot get into school for whatever reason but school is so small not sure if she will get in as there is a waiting list! We have helped build up her confidence again and she has been successful with some out of school voluntary work but friends are now few. Wilts reading your messages I thought it would be good if the 4 girls could communicate with each other. Not sure of your dd ages or if they would be up for this but I thing they could benefit from it if they gave it a try although it may be slow to take off. Anyone have any thoughts on this. My do has no one to talk to about her anxiety except me. She has also been depressed for obvious reasons but the help we have sought has not really been any good. I'm not sure where I go from here.

HappyStreet Tue 03-Sep-13 09:13:37

I really feel for you Bless. Things must be really difficult for you all to have had to deal with this for so long. My dd started with it when she was 10 and that was bad enough! I know medication works for some and I can totally understand why you have gone down that route after so long. I will be interested to see if it helps your dd so keep in touch. My dd stopped talking and seeing her grandparents and some of her immediate family last year but she seems to have overcome her fear of seeing them now which is a great relief. It was such a strain on family life and caused SO much upset. We have therapy today and I know my dd is dreading it. I just hope she comes away feeling positive which will set her up well for when she starts her new school next week. Crossing everything again. Bye for now.

BlessThisMess Mon 02-Sep-13 20:04:00

The psychologist has been really good, lovelies. She has established a really good relationship with my DD and although DD hasn't spoken to the psych, she feels comfortable with her and likes her which is a massive win! She has set goals for the therapy and the next step is to break down the goals into manageable small steps. I wouldn't have wanted to use medication ideally but DD cannot talk to anybody outside our immediate family me, her dad and her sister) plus a couple of friends her age. She even has stopped talking to my Dad who she used to be completely comfortable with. She has suffered with this since the age of 4 and we have exhausted every other path.

loveliesbleeding1 Sun 01-Sep-13 12:07:17

Ah what a good girl, you must be so pleased that she has talked to you, thats half the problem isnt it, when they just "shut down".I do worry terribly about my dd's future, and as you say I just want her to learn how to control the anxiety which in her mind had destroyed her life.i feel at fault sometimes as I used to pressure her so much as I didnt realize how awful it was for her in those first stages, I honestly thought she was being a difficuilt pre-teen, its not so much a learning curve as a learning mountain!!always here too, take care x

HappyStreet Sun 01-Sep-13 10:24:09

I know what you mean Lovelies about going here, there and everywhere. It's exhausting fitting everything around your normal life. We're very lucky now everything is based within her new school environment. I've had a calm conversation with my dd and like you say Lovelies she will take it in small steps at first until the anxiety has calmed down and then increase her time as she feels more confident and I'm going to have to accept this (which is easy when things are going well!). It makes me wonder if the number of people involved in the beginning stages of anxiety and all the talking and pushing makes the poor child worse. When I listen to my dd talk she makes more sense sometimes than the therapist! We have gone through so many plans of steps. Initially if she had "bonded" with her home tutor I think she may have got back into school as she was so positive and wanted to be there. In our experience the relationship between child, home tutor and therapist is vital for a positive result. We haven't gone down the medication route. I think my dd needs to work out how to control her anxiety for her to get on with her life just in case it comes back somewhere down the line. For some reason I don't like the idea of her taking pills at such an early age. Anxiety is so complicated but it's good to have someone to talk to. Good luck to you both. At least you know you're not alone.X

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