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dont know where to put this but help please!!

(14 Posts)
worley Sun 07-Dec-08 13:03:22

hello, this is a longish story so will try to cut it down.

mil and fil fostered children with severe learning disabilites and autism for many years while dp and his brother were children. one particular boy lived with them from when they were all about 8/9 years old and continued to live with them, after fil died and right up till when mil passed away last dec, he is now in his 30's. after mil died he wanted to stay in mils flat with their cat etc, which social services said was ok.
they sort of organised carers to go in everday and check him, he can make his own breakfast, lunch cups of tea etc. they would just go in to prompt him to shower etc. and they would go in in the eve to help him with his tea. we would go round when we could but as we both work and have 2 young children it was impossible to go everyday, twice a day.

it got so that social services didnt send people every day and would ring us all the time, even dp at work, and wich was making us feel that we had to go in all the time. in the end we told dp's foster brother that we were going to stop going round as much so that the social could sort a proper carer out for him instead of gettting us to do it all the time. they would ring us to take him shopping etc, when they get paid a carers allowance to do this for him, not that money is a problem we would have done it but was frustrating having extra things to do with family,work etc.

so we havnt been round scince the summer holidays, we went round last week to go see him before it was the first anniv of mils death and he wasnt there, there was a new family in the flat. the flat was empty of all mils things.
we rung social services friday to find out what was going on and where he was. they refused to tell us where he has gone, she said he had moved at the end of oct and that was it, she wasnt allowed to tell us anymore.

this is very sad,frustrating, he had to spend the anniversary without any of us to see him. can they do this? just take him without telling us they were even going to move him when they kept ringing us up all the time before hand.

the other sad thing is that they've emptied the flat and all of mils belongings, every thing has gone, we have nothing left. even the cat. they have took our tv which he was borrowing and the pc.
my dad has suggested that if they refuse on monday to give us more info that we call the police and some how bring the issue of theft up with them as they have took everything.

what do we do to find out there they have put him and our things.

in my heart i think they have propably dumped everything, which is heartbreaking to think we dont have anything left. ( we live in a 2 bedroom terrace which is why things were wtill in the flat as we have no room to put things at the moment)

StealthPolarBear Sun 07-Dec-08 13:20:52

That's awful!
Surely if your DP is his next of kin (???) they have to tell him where he's gone?

StealthPolarBear Sun 07-Dec-08 18:17:31

you found out any more?

Macdog Sun 07-Dec-08 18:19:24

Bump for the evening shift

Macdog Sun 07-Dec-08 19:55:21


thisisyesterday Sun 07-Dec-08 20:04:32

hmm yes, I think I would prob ring the police as what they have done is theft. the items did not belong to him, so they shouldn't have taken them
i mena, the cat??/
phone or go into your local station and ask where you stand

worley Mon 08-Dec-08 20:17:08

have not found anything out today.
dp has a friend who works on the community care team who will ask about for us, will know more tomorrow, then if nothing tomorrow will ring the social worker and inform about going to the police.

you would think they would tell us, but as he's not blood family next of kin dont know where we stand. and he is classed as an adult so if thats why the wont pass info on i dont know, he cant recognise numbers and doesnt know our phone number or address either.

worley Mon 08-Dec-08 20:17:48

thankyou macdog

DoubleBluff Mon 08-Dec-08 20:25:47

but you haven't contacted him since the Summer?
And you regard yourself as next of kin?
What are SS supposed to do/

Macadoodledo Mon 08-Dec-08 20:58:58

hmm I'm with DB on this.

You have basically refused to assist (rightly or wrongly) with the care as in your words so that 'the social could sort a proper carer out for him more'. In effect you've handed over the responsibility for him to them.

It seems likely that they weren't able to provide sufficient care for him to live independently once you made it clear you were not willing to assist (again I am not judging on the rights or wrongs of this). I would imagine therefore he has now been placed in some sort of residential where he can be appropriately looked after.

I am not sure about this but I would imagine that as you are not a blood relative SS do not need to inform you of his whereabouts.

With regards to the property it is not a police matter. It is not theft. They do not appear to have 'dishonestly appropriated the property' as I would imagine they entitled to beleive that the property within the residence belonged to the occupant unless he said otherwise (which he may have not). If you want to recover the property I would go to CAB or get a solicitor to write a letter on your behalf. This is a civil matter not a criminal one.

DoubleBluff Mon 08-Dec-08 21:07:33

maca is right. Not theft atall.

worley Tue 09-Dec-08 15:09:07

We dont regard ourselves as next of kin, that would be his biological father, who was supposed to come and move with him, who then decided the week before hand that he didnt want to. (his father also has learning difficulties) so we were left with him again, we tried to get him into a residential home but he refused, fair enough.
dp worked for a mencap residential home for many years and his old manager there also happens to be a social worker befor he had enough of it. he openly told us that while we were still going in to help him social services would not put an adequate care plan into place and provide for him as they should as we were in efect doing their job for free. tis is why we felt in the end that only way to carry on as before and visit him every few weeks was to let the social sort it out.

we didnt ask to suddenly end up with an extra child in an adults body as it fact we had already had discussions with mil a long time ago about his future care and we made it clear that we could not provide for him as well as our children and ourselves, she told us she had made arrangements, mil died very unexpectedly at 54 last dec from pneumonia, this was when we found out she hadnt made any arrangements at all. dps brother lives in america so he cannot help us either.

im sure he would have told the carers that the things werent his, they carers had been very sneaky and opening any post that was still arriving in mils name. we told them that they were not allowed to open mils post but they then said that he had opened it. tez has never opened a letter before and in fact before any carers were visiting it would still be on the doormat where the postman dropped it. so we know he wouldnt do it. so we are sure that he would have told them it was our things we had lent him.
surely it would be common sense to ring us and say"look do you want your mums photo albums"??

but we dont know where he is to check.

soo much has happened scince mil died last year it has just been a very rough year, we found out she was literally thousands of pounds in debt, the disability people "lost" her motorbility car and were trying to claim back compensation from us, even though the car was returned and we had reciept. the councils housing benefit dept wanted to take us to court for her rent arrears, we had reciepts from them 4 times to say we had handed copies of death cert in etc, till in the end my local mp stepped in to help ( my dad is also a councillor so was disgusted at the way the council was treating us)
sil decided that once they was back in america they were going to buy a house and therefore didnt want to/couldnt afford to pay for the funeral. !!! and to top it all mil had no life insurance to cover any of the expenses so we are no so in debt ourselves having to pay for everything. as we arent on any benefits we did qualify for anyhelp towards the funeral.

doubltbluff,this is why we just couldnt carry on looking after someone,it was dp's parents that wanted to foster not him or his brother, and then we were left with him with ss and his "dad" expecting us to look afterhim. How i have no grey hairs yet i dont know.

JennstarOfWonder Tue 09-Dec-08 21:02:20

Flipping heck Worley. Just seen this thread. Sorry you're going through such a rough time. If dh can help you in any way writing letters, you know what he does.

cheshirekitty Thu 01-Jan-09 18:12:09

Just think some people on this thread are a bit judgemental. Hope everything works out for you Worley.

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