I'm so, so tired......any ideas? Sorry, long....

[Earthymama]

My mother is 90 yrs old, suffers from arthritis, COPD, anaemia in addition to being partially sighted and very deaf. I'm an only child.

She has been in and out of hospital over the last year. She lived in sheltered accomodation, which she liked. I was visiting twice a day, via public transport, doing shopping, cleaning etc etc.

After her last illness and spell in hospital, she moved to a Extra Care facility at the end of my street. They sent her home from hospital with no care in place, I stepped in and it was sorted after 2 weeks.

I'm still doing washing and cleaning but ther's a care package in place. I arranged and delivered a party for her birthday last Sunday.

I popped in last night and she said she wishes she was dead. She won't participate in any of the activities, not even join others in the dining room for lunch. I feel as though yet again I've made the wrong decision. The care manager has rung just and shouted at me because she asked for the medication to be arranged differently, did not explain what she meant, so I did not do as she asked, (through lack of information).

I'm so worn down by all this; don't get me wrong, I know people cope with much more, but I have psioritic arthritis, a history of severe depression connected with my relationship with mother, work full-time, and am just at the end of my tether with having to constantly make decisions, and being made to feel stupid by people who have power over my mother.

DP says I should give her an ultimatum; either she engages in the community where she lives or she goes in a home. Mother always prided herself on not having put her mother in a home, and I don't know if I could deal with the guilt.

Any ideas of how I get to have some sort of life again; since she was ill last year I feel as though I've lost all my friendships, have no time with Dc and DGC.

Sorry this is so long, will be back later just off to sort medication.

[3littlefrogs]

Earthymama - I feel so sorry for you. You are doing the best you can, but you are worn out. If your health breaks down completely your mum will have to go into a home where she can have full care - whether she chooses to join in with activities or not.

It is outrageous that the care manager is shouting at you. IME these people often have no understanding of the fact that carers may have jobs, families or poor health themselves.

If your mum has a social worker - and she should - you need to contact them as a matter of urgency and insist on a full carer assessment. This is your right. Your mum's care package needs to be reassessed on the basis of your health problems, because it sounds as if you are not fit/well enough to be providing care. Can you get supporting documentation from your GP?

Her medication should not be your responsibility - it sounds as if she should be in a care facility where all that is sorted out by the staff.

HTH

[swag]

Keeping this bumped for you

[Earthymama]

Thank you so much, i've got so used to doing everything that I put up this stoic face while underneath I'm screaming. I was going to have my 2 DGS to stay over tonight, but have a sore throat and pounding head so I think I'll just go to bed early.

You're going to think I'm really petty, too, but when I called in earlier the HUGE box of Thorntons chocs she received as a gift had disappeared. i asked her where it was and her selective deafness came into play. I think she's given to a carer. I'll be peeved cos DD, DP and I worked so hard last week to make the party a success.

She values the opinion of strangers so much more than ours. I'm really sad today.

Cheers for support EM

[VooJu]

EM

Nothing constructive to help, just a hug and a bump for the afternoon crew

[Earthymama]

Thank you, I'm feeling little better today. I spoke to the care manager who basically told me to let go....to accept I can't be there for her all the time and that the carers will look after her.

This is such a hard relationship, love and anger and resentment and gratitude all mixed up together.

[skinnygirlNOT]

Earthymama I'm in almost the same position as you. My mother is 10 years younger than yours and also has COPD, arthritis and she too is partially deaf. She lives on her own at the moment and I also care for her(and work full time with 2 school age children).
I am also screaming inside and feel that any minute I'll have a breakdown.
Does your mum accept help? Is she stubborn and does she have tantrums? These are new sides to my mum's personality which I can't cope with.
Really can't offer advice but sending you a hug and letting you know that there is someone who understands.

[Earthymama]

skinnygirlNOT please please listen to me now.

GET YOURSELF SOME HELP, YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE!!

The reason I'm being so assertive is that I have started to unravel; I've got shingles and a middle-ear infection. I think my immune system is shot because since returning from holidays last year, I've felt totally overwhelmed. You must get some help, your children must come first and if you fall apart, they will be badly affected too.

My mum has always been a martyr; she's always worked hard but I've always been expected to guess what she wants, as she would refuse to state it clearly. Thus, I always got things wrong. This has had a profound effect on my life, and has hampered my confidence greatly. To be honest, I lived away for 20 odd years, and would not have come back if I had realised what was in store.

That makes me sound heartless but I'm not, the opposite, in fact, and as a result I take too much on board. I've had counselling to try to deal with this relationship, but when I'm exhausted I lose all sense of proportion.

It's like having a young child without any control over what they say or do. My heart goes out to you.

Contact Social Services and explain the situation; tell them you are struggling and ask for their help. find out what they can put in place.

Then you must talk to her and say that you cannot go on without some help. Say you love her but you need to support your family too. There are people out there who can help her and you have arranged for them to come to talk to you both. Explain what your normal day is like, and say how you feel.

If your ma is like mine she'll be selectively deaf, she'll cry etc etc. Make her look at your face and Say firmly, I love you but I need some help. If I fall ill you will have to have help, please think of me and talk to these people.

My mother was really upset, wished she was dead, cried etc but has come round over the years to having carers, though this last week has been difficult.

I think I make it hard on myself too; DP has been caring while I'm ill and mother doing far more than she ever does for me!!

Sorry for ranting on, but I empathise so much. It'll be hell to sort it but you must put yourself first in this.

Blessings EM

[skinnygirlNOT]

Oh my God!
'My mum has always been a martyr; she's always worked hard but I've always been expected to guess what she wants, as she would refuse to state it clearly.'-This is my mum!
My brother and I always called her a martyr when we were growing up.She never cared about herself and always did what others wanted. Quite noble, but really I think quite selfish because she never ever made any decisions and virtually gave up on life once we left home and didn't need her any more.
Even though i know she is ill part of me feels very bitter towards her because I'm sure if she had a different mentality she wouldn't be as incapable of looking after herself as she is.
Would social services really help? Would someone come and wash and dress her? Is it possible to go on holiday knowing that someone will check on her? (haven't been on holiday since my eldest was 3-now 11).
Thank you for understanding, Earthymama and for giving me hope. Will let you know how I get on with social services.

[skinnygirlNOT]

The bit about wanting a holiday is for my children's sake. They are growing up so quickly and they haven't had any fun time away from home as a family.

[Earthymama]

skinnygirlNOT. Now read that again! the holiday must be for you too! YOU deserve it, as do your children.

As your mum is like mine, you'll have to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants yourself, and OK to meet those needs.

I do go away, Glastonbury being my favourite place, as there is such a sense of calm there. I'm definately going to Greece next year. People say, how can you do nothing for 2 weeks but it's what I have to do to recharge my batteries. I read, swim, walk, eat delicious food, drink cocktails, even dance if the occasion arises, and above all spend some time with DP, without running off to do something!! We didn't go this year and that was a big mistake.

There are other organizations you can ask for help:-
#your doctor re effect on you and family
#mother's doctor re her incapacity
#district nurse to assess
#social services
#Your local authority will have Carer's Association
#Hospital re COPD
#anyone else you can think of, I was a pain to everyone til I got care package

I've also got a brill (grown-up) daughter who steps in when I need her, though with 3 children it's hard on her as mother loves the children but can only cope with short visits.

Let me know how you do...if I can help I'm here, though I'm going to bed now.

[pooka]

Would recommend Age Concern for advice about what help you may be entitled to.
My grandmother is 92. She has dementia as well as the other illnesses of old age - arthritis, incontinence and so on.
She lives at home, on her own. Is visited 3 times a day by carers who get her up, get her washed and dressed, change pads, make her meals and at the end of the day, they put her to bed in the final visit.
This is paid for by attendant's allowance, I think.
Have you got power of attorney over your mother's estate?
If possible, set it up early in order to avoid difficulties with the Court of Protection later on. My mother and uncle have power of attorney for my grandmother, and fortunately this was set in place before she was diagnosed with dementia.

[Earthymama]

just realised that I know you in RL swag, thanks for bump and everything else.
EM
skinnygirlNOT have you been in touch with Soc Serv?

[snowfunwhenyoureknackered]

am keeping this thread in fav's as my mum is 80 and I'm alone in the middle of all this two and my youngest is 6 so I'm pulled in all ways

will contact age concern too

its all about finding the time to do stuff, sometimes its impossible

[Earthymama]

Just thought I'd bump this to see how everyone is doing.

Not much has changed, still plodding on but after major meltdown have tried to change how I think and feel about it all.

I've been asking for help, taking time for myself and reading 'Heal your Life' by Louise Hay.

I've made sure that I have time with the kids as the really do give out so much love. I've been for some help with my health problems.

I still have some down times but re-reading this thread made me realise how absolutely awful I felt.

Please let me know how you are all doing,
snowfunwhenyoureknackered, skinnygirlNOT,
blessings EM

[skinnygirlNOT]

Hi Earthymama
Good to hear from you.

My Mum had pneumonia and was in hospital for 3 weeks. Unfortunately they discovered a 'mass' in her lung which they think is lung cancer. She is too weak for treatment.

However this turned out to be a blessing as while she was in hospital they realised I couldn't cope with caring for her and she now has an excellent care package in place.

I'm slowly beginning to reclaim my life but I am still permanently exhausted and can't shake off feeling stressed, though I'm sure with time I'll feel better.

Have been meaning to come back to this thread but was obviously busy with my mum; I'm glad you bumped it.

Take care Earthymama

[Earthymama]

Hi am writing in despair, mum's been in hospital again, after becoming really confused. She responded to antibiotics but was very down when she came home.

She slept constantly, did not engage wiith me or carers. The last few days she's been manic, emptying cupboards, not knowing how old she is, or I am, thinking she's moving, cooking food for dead people, only in her mind though. she's not been keeping the oxygen on and has been taking her clothes off, not knowing if it's day or night.

I rang the out of hours doc and because she knew it was Sunday, though in 1008...nothing wrong. I'm so scared she'll wander off and fall down the stairs.

So it starts again, and no-one believes me or the carers.

Hope everyone else on thread faring better