The future terrifies me

(4 Posts)
SundayGirlB Sat 08-Feb-20 18:52:39

Just wondering how people cope caring for their parents and want to get this off my chest really.

My mum suddenly and unexpectedly became disabled when she was in her early 50s meaning my dad became her carer. It was a shock but we coped. She finds it v tough to have lost her career and freedom but my dad does an amazing job.

My dad has been recovering from an operation this week so has been unable to care for my mum or himself. I am currently on maternity leave and so have been looking after them both (plus baby). It's been exhausting and I've not even been doing the full caring role, just housework, meals etc.

So scared for the future. I'm in my early 30s but my dad is 15 years older than my mum and so expect caring duties will fall to me sooner rather than later. My brother died when I was in my 20s so it's just me. They have no money so I don't know how care would work.

How on earth do people juggle work, family and caring duties?! I love them to bits but genuinely terrified for the future.

OP’s posts: |
Dreamersandwishers Wed 12-Feb-20 14:33:22

@SundayGirlB, came across this thread, and wanted to suggest you ask MNHQ to move it to Elderly Parents , where you may get some replies from people with more experience than I have.
Rules on help & funding vary across the Uk, but Age Uk can help if it comes to that.
Meantime, can you talk to your parents about the future at all? So you can gain an understanding of what they think or expect? For example,I would not be surprised if your dad would be upset at the idea of you performing his personal care; also, if your mum is disabled, she may be entitled to more help, but perhaps has declined this at the minute.
I wish you well and am sorry that you are facing this without siblings to share. 💐

Sparticuscaticus Wed 08-Apr-20 06:37:35

@SundaygirlB

Your parents ask adult social care for an assessment under the care act , for support if they are unable to purchase care support privately. Look up their Local authority (county council or unitary council) on google, then go through selecting adult social care options til you get the telephone number.

Hopefully your mum is applying for PIP (disability benefit)

It's wonderful if you can and want to help support them. It can feel like a job you get no time off from.

If they do get agreed social care, Direct payments are a great scheme for people who want to stay in charge of their care support. But it all depends on level of /if she has/ needs.

caramac04 Wed 08-Apr-20 06:47:55

Please talk to your parents soon about the future. Before behaviour and expectations become entrenched. While their opinions can be swayed by frank discussions about what additional support and care might look like. Old people often refuse to have carers in and in these enlightened times it is their choice to refuse. Your choice counts for less. You might well be happy to visit and help but struggle to provide all the care needed. You and your family count too and I would advise setting the boundaries before you potentially end up with too much on your plate. Visiting and helping out is wonderful but doing everything can be draining and have a negative effect on your relationship with dependent DP’s.

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