Don't think I can be a carer anymore and feel so guilty

[MessTheStress]

Firstly, before I start, I feel so awful for even typing this but I need help.

I'm the youngest of a big family. Around 10 years ago, my Mum became disabled and I had to stay at home to help her. In hindsight, I was staying because of the "risk" that she might hurt herself. She refused to move into an apartment and my siblings were happy enough to let me do everything. I was told, repeatedly, that I shouldn't move out and leave Mum on her own. While I'm in my 20s, they're all in their 40s and have married and settle down. I've had one sister who is very good but the other siblings are awful.

Fast forward - I meet someone and settle down and because of work commitments, I agree to move to her house around 3 hours away. I tell my siblings I'll still be with our Mum a couple of days a week, if they want to commit to a rota. They refuse. And, in short, they go nuts when I ask them if they can look after Mum for a week while I am away on holiday.

I love my Mum so much and she is a good person but I feel like my 20s were taken from me because it was just the easiest option for everyone if I stayed at home. If Mum needs go to hospital with an emergency, I have to get out of work to do it - the others refuse and say they "can't" get out of work.

A big part of the problem is that Mum doesn't help herself. I feel so guilty but I can't get my own work done when I'm here because she expects me to constantly do things for her. She refuses to help herself. She'll refuse to go to hospital when it's obvious something is wrong and it's my day off so I can take her - but then things escalate and I'm in work and we have to go to emergency. She needs to go into a supported living complex but refuses nice places offered because they're too small or for some other reason. The problem is, she makes bad choices which then impact me. I'm meant to be moving out this week? She now has to go to the emergency department because she didn't get checked out 3 weeks ago when I told her to. I feel so awful but I am so tired of my whole life being spent managing her because she won't help herself. And when anything bad happens, my siblings blame me. Turns out Mum's not been making her lunch while I'm in work, even though there's plenty of food in the fridge? My fault.

I feel awful but I am so, so tired of it all.

[lpchill]

It's not just your responsibility it's your siblings too. Yes you lost your 20's when the rest of your family should have been helping.

If they won't help physically then thy can share the cost of having a carer come in daily to help/check up on your mum.

[pinknsparkly]

I can totally understand why your siblings are unable to share the care with you, but that means that now is the time to get outside help, NOT that you should be expected to continue shouldering this completely unreasonable burden.

Unfortunately, humans are a pretty selfish species and often choose to ignore the impact these things are having on the people (like you) providing the support. If they noticed the impact then they'd have to do something about it, by ignoring it they can pretend everything is happy and rosy!

I completely agree with chill - it's time to get some outside help. Whether that's carers coming to her house or moving her into a more secure caring environment will need to be decided by your mum, you and your siblings.

As horrible as it will be, you have to leave the house and not be guilted into staying. Fingers crossed, the act of you leaving may actually force everyone into action. You cannot stop living your life just to support your mum (and anyone that loved you and had your best interests at heart would also want you to be free to live your own life).

Best of luck with this, and hope you have a wonderful future with your new partner!

[MessTheStress]

Thanks so much, folks. I needed to vent and make sure that I'm not being a total bastard for wanting my own life. Appreciate the advice!

[Pinkyyy]

You need to tell your siblings exactly what you've told us. Tell them you've done your part and you're stepping down, and that they need to now take over as you've already given up so much of your life. Please look into professional help for your DM

[Echobelly]

Yes, it's not like they can accuse you of being selfish for wanting to step away without being utter hypocrites! You were the youngest so it fell 'conveniently' to you to look after your mum, but you gave everything up, so either they need to stump up the cash for professional care, or one of them will have to scale down or give up on their work to look after her like you have.

[MumUnderTheMoon]

Look if your mum has the mental capacity to know what she needs to do and then simply refuses to do it you have every right to walk away and never look back as far as I'm concerned. If, however, she is incapable of making her own decisions you should look into getting a legal power of attorney for her and then you can decide where she should live. No parent I know would expect their child to sacrifice their whole life for them.