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Stepdad with dementia, mum not coping and trying to pretend everythings ok, what can we do?

(5 Posts)
mansfield Mon 11-Jun-12 21:42:41

Just looking for advice. My stepdad has vascular dementia (diagnosed about 3yrs ago) and myself and my brother feel he makes my lovely mums life a misery with his controlling, sometimes aggressive behaviour. Hes always been domineering and my mum, for an easy life has nearly always let him take charge. Shes such a lovely person who wants to keep everyone happy but I just wish she'd hold her hands up and accept some help. I am 250 miles from them with my own family and when I see them I get so upset and sad at how my mums life revolves around 'keeping the peace' and not ruffling his feathers. I feel that everyday for my mum must be a living nightmare as she cant go anywhere without him and he literally trails round behind her.

Hes now at the stage with his dementia where you cant hold a conversation with him as he cant express himself and gets frustrated so my mum basically has to speak for him and decifer what he wants to say. His dementia though is not advanced enough yet for him to have respite or to go to a day centre and I dont think he'd go anyway.

Even though my dad cant speak properly he still has a way though of controlling situations. When they visited us this week I booked a table to eat at 5.30 and at 4 o'clock my dads pacing the room with his jacket on wanting us all to go out to eat. My mum then gets anxious as hes getting frustrated and she doesnt like that to bother us and we all end up getting wound up.
My mum is becoming increasingly anxious and nervy as she trys to keep him happy and makes out that all is ok so as not to worry myself and my brother. I've tried to explain to my mum that she needs to maybe seek advice and try to be a bit firmer with my dad but for some reason she's afraid to. My brother has made an appt. with their GP next Monday to discuss things but I'm not sure what else we can do. Any advice please for us and my mum? thanks

gingeroots Tue 12-Jun-12 04:19:54

Oh dear that sounds so hard .

Have you tried the Alzeihmers society - they deal with all dementias and I was v.impressed when I met one of their outreach workers once .They might be able to give your mum some emotional support and practical advice ?

And maybe also post over here ? []][

gingeroots Tue 12-Jun-12 04:20:28

mansfield Tue 12-Jun-12 19:31:29

Thanks for info. I have emailed the local dementia group near my parents to see whether they could maybe do a home visit. We'll then wait for my brother to speak to GP to see whether he could visit them and stress the importance of a referral and possible help.

royguts Tue 25-Sep-12 15:25:16

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