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Help and Advice needed - Dad with Dementia and my Mum having a breakdown I really don't no where to start

(11 Posts)
underactivethyroidmum Wed 18-Jan-12 11:07:14

Please can someone help because I really am lost.........

My Dad has dementia - not really bad but deteriorating all the time, which is as a result of him having a series of strokes.

He had another stroke just before Christmas which has resulted in a 3 week hospital stay and he is now in temporary respite to undergo intensive physio.
He is now unable to climb stairs and can walk no more than 10 steps and the physio yesterday told my Mum he is unlikely to improve. He is also now urinary incontinent.

They have a social worker who has now told my mum that they will discharge him within 2 weeks even if he is unable to walk and that she will have to arrnge for a bed to be moved downstairs and a commode shockangry

My poor mum is inconsolable. They live in a little terraced house and a bed and commode downstairs would have to be put in the living room which leaves virtually no room for anything else. She has a few health issues herself and physically cannot empty a commode, and although my Dad can wash himself he can't get upstairs to have a bath.

My Mum also minds my DS who is 2. He is the light of her life and the only time she goes out alone is to take him to the park or the local shops. Obviously a commode downstairs is not toddler friendly and my Mum is very tearful at the thought she won't be able to mind him. Last night in a very stressful conversation with my Aunt she said she has thought of commiting suicide but my DS and DD are the only thing that stops her sad

I really don't no where to start - can my mum get help with any care ? I have looked at stairlifts but the cost is way out of reach so what else can we do ? Does my Mum have to have Dad back at home ? I no she doesn't want him in a home but she also can't cope on her own.

Any advice or help is greatly appreciated as I really don't no where to turn ....

timetoask Wed 18-Jan-12 11:14:13

Hello, I am sorry I cannot help, but I was wondering if you have looked for any charities in your area that might be able to help your mum?

underactivethyroidmum Wed 18-Jan-12 11:34:07

No I haven't ........ Thank You !

Acumenoop Wed 18-Jan-12 12:08:13

IME the second she does anything Social Services will force her to do everything until she dies or attempts suicide. The only way I got any (very minimal) support was to have a serious breakdown and become suicidal. She is entitled to a Carer's Assessment but IME they are of no value. There's also various charities, like Crossroads, but again, I find them to be sops.

She needs to tell Social Services she is not able to care for your dad, and refuse to let him back in the house. She has no legal obligation to do so, and they then have the duty of care. They will then magic up agency care to support her because it's cheaper than a care home. There's no other way to get any help. I'm sorry. They will try to make her do everything, far far beyond what you could imagine, so her only bargaining chip is this cold fact.

They're totally fine with leaving people to wash in buckets and starve for days etc, sorry, they're hardened to all that.

(A commode is absolutely fine to have with a toddler - it's just a bucket and a chair with a hole in it. You don't leave the crap in there or anything. )

I'm sorry this is happening. Good luck.

Acumenoop Wed 18-Jan-12 12:09:10

Oh and once you've got care in place, Equipment and Adaptations will do the stairlift. You need a DFG.

gingeroots Thu 19-Jan-12 15:23:31

I'm sorry that Acumenoop has had such terrible experiences ,guess things vary according to where you live .
I'm in London and my experience has been that hospitals don't discharge unless some help is in place .
This is usually 6 weeks "rehab " care from hospital and then a care package organised by Social services .
it's not up to your mum to sort out a bed downstairs - if hospital soc worker not helpful I think I would advise you or your mother to go into complete emotional meltdown in front of hosp soc worker ,if you can't do that phone local authority social services speak duty social worker and explain the problem with hospital soc worker and ask what to do .
Ask your GP for advice .
Ask Age Concern for advice .
Try posting over here for more help
So sorry you are going through this .

underactivethyroidmum Thu 19-Jan-12 20:13:00

Thank you both for your advice - I'm going to post this in Elderly Parents

Acumenoop Mon 23-Jan-12 07:54:05

Sorry, didn't mean to be so grim! In Manchester they just chuck people out. I know a carer who found her grandmother wandering the estate in a hospital gown and a padded jacket. She lives alone, has vascular dementia and is nearly eighty years old and the patient transport just dropped her off, despite my friend saying there was no care in place at all. That's pretty normal for here. Every carer I know, anyway.

No one gets Reablement Care here. They just write on the form that you refused it, and you only find out if you force disclosure of the documents.

So if you're in Manchester, anyway, that's the only viable approach. If you're not, then apparently it is better in other places, which is very cheering!

sarah2312 Fri 27-Jan-12 10:13:57

have you asked the Dr about any of the telecare systems the government are going on about? It would give your mother peace of mind when she takes a much needed break. Friend has a system for her DF and she is over the moon with how well it is going.

Cornbury Sat 07-Apr-12 10:56:40

I found a helpful leaflet on memory problems here

Might be helpful

royguts Tue 25-Sep-12 15:27:31

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

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