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Feeling really fed up - shouldnt parents take some responsibility fro their childs behaviour????...

(33 Posts)
becaroo Mon 19-Oct-09 09:34:00

...my 6 year old has been bullied by the same boy since nursery. He often comes home black and blue but refuses to tell us what has happened (other parents tell me!) Despite me telling him repeatedly he never tells a teacher either. I have never confronted the boys mother becasue her attitude has always been "boys will be boys" and genuinely thinks that the teachers have "got a downer" on him hmm this despite every techer he has had having probelms with his behaviour!

When they moved up to year 2 I specifically requested him not to be in this boys class I was so worried about it.

Anyway, this morning he told me that on thursday playtime this boy reapeatedly punched him in the stomach. He did tell a teacher (!) who told the boy off and made him say sorry but I am really fed up with this....My son is very quiet boy and although not perfect would not punch anyone.

Anyway, I had a word with this boys mum this morning and surprise surprise, she basically said "well they do like to play rough" and made it sound like I was being silly. Have just rung the school and explained the situation and am waiting for the head to call me back.

Am really furious with this woman - she said that it "wasnt done maliciously"!!!! FGS!! Wish I had not said anything and just spoke to the head. I knew what her attitude would be and yet I still said something...feel like an idiot.

What should I have done/do now????

becaroo Mon 19-Oct-09 09:35:01

sorry about all the typos...am really upset about this sad

biggirlsdontcry Mon 19-Oct-09 09:47:17

hi , you are NOT an idiot , your ds is being physically assaulted by this bully , & it has been going on now for a number of years , i am in a very similar situation with my ds , he is being bullied since he was 6 he is 10 now , & now i have had to get the police involved as it has gotten so bad , you need to ask the principle for a copy of the schools " ANTI BULLING POLICY" also send in a hand written letter explaining how worried you are & listing all the incidents your son has had with the bully , keep a diary of events , oh & send a copy of the letter to the chairperson of the board of management , just in case the principle does not take action , good luck x

biggirlsdontcry Mon 19-Oct-09 09:48:19

sorry blush principal not principle
crap spelling

becaroo Mon 19-Oct-09 10:31:03

Thanks BGDC...am seriously condidering HE..thats how bad its gotten.

giveloveachance Mon 19-Oct-09 10:38:13

What a horrid time you and your son are having.

that other mum has got her head stuck in the sand. She needs a wake up call. It is not ok, and she needs to know that NOT ALL BOYS LIKE TO PLAY ROUGH!!!! punching does not consitute play in my book.

Speak again to the school and push for something to be done, they have to take this further, it is their responsibility to make sure your son is safe when on their premises.

and like biggirl says, put it all in writing. Its gone on long enough and you are doing the right thing to tackle this head on as talking with the other mum is clearly not working.

biggirlsdontcry Mon 19-Oct-09 12:07:20

becaroo - don't approach the bullies mum again , you need to get the principal to take this seriously at this stage , by putting your complaint in writing it has to be kept on record iyswim , that way if things get further out of control as it has in my ds's case ( he was beaten up & kicked in the head & had to have MRI scans) that way if the police need to get involved the school has to show that they were aware of the situation & that they did not act on it . its just a back up for you . has the principal phoned you back yet ?

becaroo Mon 19-Oct-09 14:04:58

Hi.

Head phoned back and has had a chat with the boys - the boy admitted it and has been put on a "last warning" whatever the hell that means....

Am putting it all into writing as you suggest...just very angry that in the 3 years he has been there its still as bad as ever.

How do I stop him hating school?????

giveloveachance Mon 19-Oct-09 14:50:54

hopefully he has some nice friends there? could they come and play so he forms stronger friendships with some nice kids? does he like his teacher?

Can he do any after school or lunch time activities that he would really enjoy and therefore help him feel more positive about school?

biggirlsdontcry Mon 19-Oct-09 15:26:54

becaroo don't hold your breath , my ds's principal put the bully on his " final warning " two years ago & he is still on it even though he attacked ds last year & has beaten up half of the kids in ds's class sad . sorry cant give any advice on getting your ds to like school sad but you can keep him safe while he is there . i really hope you manage to get this all sorted , hopefully your ds's principal will be more helpful than ours is . x

becaroo Tue 20-Oct-09 13:29:59

Hello.

I have put my complaint all down on paper and taken it into school. I have said how disappointed I am that this boy is still bullying my son after 3 years and have asked;
1.what, in actual fact, does "last warning" mean for this boy and
2.for a copy of the schools anti bullying policy.

I have told them about a couple of incidents that have happened in the past - going right back to nursery in one case - and have stated that from now on I am going to keep a record of all the incidents and take ds1 to the GP next time he comes home covered in bruises.

Hopefully they will get the message hmm

The sad thing is, there are some really lovely kids in his class, this boy is in another class - the bullying happens at playtime and lunchtime sad

tghrmum Tue 20-Oct-09 14:22:44

Couldn`t agree more becaroo. When parents do nothing about, or worse make excuses for, there offsprings bad behaviour they condone it. The kid feels like they got away with it again.
I think coming home black and blue is assault. Imagine it happening in any other setting, the police would be involved.
I also regret talking to another mother last week and felt like a complete idiot(read our story if your want to know why). Don`t feel bad you attempting to make life better for your son. I think mothers like you are couragous. Hope the situation improves.

wanttostartafresh Tue 20-Oct-09 14:29:46

The bully is a bully because his parents are also bullies and are probably bullying him so talking to his parents is unlikely to get you anywhere.

I would press the school to take action immediatley and if not get the police involved. It is assault and needs to be dealt with asap otherwise your son will lose self confidence and self esteem which will affect him for years.

becaroo Tue 20-Oct-09 16:15:43

sigh....this goes from bad to worse....

The boys mother accosted me on the way to collect my ds1 from school. She told me that she spoke to him last night and that no teacher saw what happened but he did admit it and I quote "but he only punched him once" (!!!!) and it was "just a game that got out of hand". Typical response from her I am afraid.

I told her that, actually, things had been getting out of hand for 3 years but I had never raised the issue with her becasue I did not want to fall out or cause a scene but that I had now written to the school about the issue.

She then told me that she didnt believe most of what I said anyway, that people were always balming her son and that she was going to tell her son not to play with mine and stalked off.

I have handled all this really badly, havent I?

Had to go into school anyway re: ds1 excema on his hands - the teacher was concerned - so had a quick word there and then with the head and told her what had just happened with this boys mum.

She is having a meeting with the other head later this evening (yes - its jobshare!) and they will let me know whats happening re: this other boy tomorrow.

In not wanting to make a fuss, I have started a feud with another mother and mny son has suffered at this bullies hadns for far too long.

Feeling pretty bad.

AvengingGerbil Tue 20-Oct-09 18:20:18

You have nothing to feel bad about.
You are doing the right thing.
Chin up!

roneef Tue 20-Oct-09 18:29:18

What a cheeky bitch she is angry

The way she's carrying on you would think it was her son being bullied.

Take it all the way Becaroo. Your son shouldn't have to put up with it.

Hope you feel stronger soon. X

Homebird8 Tue 20-Oct-09 19:22:00

If the bully heeds his mother's advice not to "play" with your son then things might actually get better! I do hope so. What an awful situation for your DC to be in!

becaroo Wed 21-Oct-09 11:11:06

Thank you for your replies smile

Sadly, ds1 has been throwing up all night so he wont be in school for a couple of days - in fact I probably wont send him back as he breaks up for half term on friday anyway.

Rang the head this morning as I didnt want to leave the issue til after half term and she was in the process of replying to my letter and we have had a long chat.

She has spoken to the boys parents this morning - they werent aware that their son was bullying mine even in nursery (they are now although yesterday she accused me of lying about that fact) apparently they feel I am perscuting him (!!!????)

The head is fairly new and she is putting in place some new strategies for the teachers and also doing PHSE classes on what is appropriate behaviour.

I have told her that I largely blame myself for this situation as I should have reported this in writing long ago but did make the point that I have been alerting ds1 teachers to this since nursery and nothing has been done.

Wont be seeing the woman for a while so might give me a chance to calm down.

The head did try to make me see it from their point of view, but I honestly cant....how can they keep defending his behaviour when EVERY teacher he has ever had has had issue with him?

Will keep you posted x

wanttostartafresh Wed 21-Oct-09 13:26:25

I am sorry but i don't understand why you took no further action after reporting this boy's behaviour to your son's class teachers, who did nothing as you say. Why did you not then report it to the headteacher 3 years ago?

becaroo Wed 21-Oct-09 18:17:24

I suppose I thought that the teachers would do their job. I was evidently wrong.

I deeply regret not putting all this in writing long ago, but I guess I had faith in the school, as far as I was concerned I had raised the issues with the appropriate people and didnt want to cause bad feeling between me and the boys mother.

Turned out well, didnt it?

My advice to anyone else who finds their child being bullied even in nursery is to keep a recrod of every incident, every chat or phone conversation with a teacher and put everything in writing.

wanttostartafresh Wed 21-Oct-09 20:09:36

I am sorry again, but you said here that you "...didnt want to cause bad feeling between me and the boys mother..." I personally would not want to be friends with a parent whose child was bullying my child. What is more important to you, your friendships or your child's physical and emotional wellbeing which it is your duty to protect?

I feel very strongly about this, as if you are not looking out for your child, knowing that he is being bullied and that it has been ongoing for three years, then what have you been doing?

Louby3000 Wed 21-Oct-09 20:18:31

You are doing the right thing and dont feel bad that yo have not star a more formal approach until now.
My brother got off to a slow star with problem with his sons at his local school and he took it all the way. It was stressful but all worked out in the end. Just keep the pressure on the school ad work with them.

becaroo Thu 22-Oct-09 11:04:31

I do not want to be friends with her WTSF!!! However, I also did not want to be having arguments in the school playground either - not a great way to encourage better behaviour in children if they see their mothers behaving like children is it?!!!

I have been complaining about this boy for 3 years - obviously just not in the correct way i.e. the formal written way.

I deeply resent your assertion that I am not "looking out for" my child.....Sadly, some schools just do not take bullying seriously (just look on the bullying topic to see what I mean) and obviously my ds1 goes to such a school.

Bucharest Thu 22-Oct-09 11:09:04

Hopefully the bullying will now stop Becaroo...how awful for you and your son, and what a deluded other parent.

I would send something in writing to the governors as well. Having seen many threads on bullying here, sometimes HTs can be a bit ineffectual (maybe through time constraints, maybe through the misguided belief that one word from them makes it all OK). Maybe the LEA as well.

Good luck to you and your son.x

becaroo Thu 22-Oct-09 11:20:43

Thanks bucharest smile

I may well do that if the situation does not improve....I am really cross that the head has so few written comments (ie.e proof) from the teachers about my complaints...surely if a parent complains about bullying - even verbally - there should be a written record of that complaint on file?

Sigh. Very fed up about the whole situation.

Do you think I should write to the governers and ask that the school implement a new system that verbal complaints are made permanent record of???

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