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My 6 y o dd bullying other children...I need advice / help pls! Sorry - bit long

(4 Posts)
nameshavebeenchanged Mon 29-Jun-09 11:22:40

I'm feeling very low about this. My 6 y o dd, in yr 2, has had a rubbish experience of friendships so far at school and has recently started bullying another girl in her class.

Let me explain a bit...

When she started at school the other dc in her class were already in friendship groups from preschool (we had moved recently so dd didn't go to the same preschool as everyone else). Also the rest of the dc in her class lived at the other end of the village to us and the girls had played together since babyhood. Also dd was the only child in the (small) class not to have an older sibling at the school, so the other mums all knew each other and I found it so hard to get to know them as they were extremely cliquey.

So through dd's Nursery, reception and yrs 1 and 2 time, the thing that's happened with the girls in her class is that she's been excluded from playground games, and gone off to find other dc to play with. I have invited the girls round so many times, but the parents always make "Oh, that would be nice some time" comments, but never fix anything (and when I've suggested dates, it's always been "Oh, we're busy this week..." with no effort to suggest any different dates) and of course dd has nee been invited round to any playdates at their houses. I think the other mums / dc just don't need any more friends, they've got enough already.

So dd became friends with a boy last yr whose mum was so unreliable. We invited him round lots of times and his mum would just forget. As he as dd's only friend, she got upset every time he didn't show up, so eventually we stopped inviting him round. And of course she was never asked round to his house. I think that she didn't fit the profile of the kind of friend she wanted for her ds (being a girl) and also that she was a bit empty-headed anyway.

So this yr (yr 2) a new girl started at the school and struck up a friendship with dd. She'd had a bad experience of friendship at her previous school and became very clingy with dd. It all seemed like a wonderful friendship, but then lots of things emerged about the girl that were not good, and dd found the clinginess really annoying.

So anyway this last month, dd set up a gang to bully the poor girl. I found out about it and gave her a real talking-to about bullying, and also talked to the teacher and to the girl's mum. So this particular incident is now sorted.

But yesterday we were out with a bunch of (non-school) friends and I saw her doing the same thing there - choosing one (young and therefore vulnerable) child and organising the rest of them into a gang to exclude the little boy. She knew exactly what she was doing. I gave her a real talking-to again, but I'm really shaken by this whole thing.

I've read through the "Is your child a bully?" page on the Bullying UK website and the answer is yes, she is. I also read through the "Are you to blame?" page and I don't thikn (in all conscience) that I do any of the things that contribute to her behaviour. It seems that I do (or try to do) all the right things.

This morning, the other dc in her class didn't want to play with / talk to her, and it really upset me.

How wuold you statr to deal with this?

nameshavebeenchanged Mon 29-Jun-09 11:34:45

bump...?

nameshavebeenchanged Mon 29-Jun-09 14:08:12

bump again?

BCNS Mon 29-Jun-09 14:16:57

how upsetting for you.

we happen to be the victim in our case.. but.. actually you can get the same type of help for your dd etc. And it's great that you are so aware and wanting to be on top of the situation.


you could have a chat with the school as they may jolly well be able to help out.
Maybe ask how they could work with you and dd to help sort this out.

you could also ask if there is a parent Family support advisor that you or the school could set up for you and dd. it's a chance for your dd to talk to someone about how they are feeling, why they do different things etc etc. And a PFSA might be able to give you some insight and tips on how to help deal with it.

bullies need as much support as the bullied IMHO.

HTH

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