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10 yr old being constantly bullied for 3yrs now

(53 Posts)
pinklady5 Sun 17-May-09 22:03:28

hi , can any1 give me advice please , my 10 yr old son told me something at the dinner table today that has me in tears , i know he has been bullied for over 3yrs now , even beaten up twice , the school is aware of every incident , but today he said " mam you should hear the horrible names the boys in my class call me " when i asked him what they call him he said " mam you would only get upset , dont worry im used to it by now " , sad i asked him does his teacher know about this & he said " yes but she just ignores it " angry i'm so annoyed that my child has 2 put up with this treatment on a daily basis ,

nancy75 Sun 17-May-09 22:05:40

can you change his school? i was bullied as a child (was abit older than your ds) at the time the attitude was just ignore them, i wish my parents had taken me out of school and sent me to a different one.

thisisyesterday Sun 17-May-09 22:05:50

3 years???? can you not change his school or something?
what has been done by the school/you in that time?

ingles2 Sun 17-May-09 22:06:07

you need to do something about this now pinklady.
make an appointment with the head tomorrow. Put you foot down and stand up for your son. Insist the school deals with it and don't stop until you are happy with the outcome.

ingles2 Sun 17-May-09 22:08:06

I do agree with TIY.. why has it been so long? why haven't you done something before now?

poopscoop Sun 17-May-09 22:08:18

I am truly sorry you and your DS are going through this. I have been there and is is really distressing.

You can take him out of school and say he will not be returning until it is sorted out once and for all.

You could report the whole saga to the Education Authority, staing that you have done all you can with the school and now you are asking them to step in.

You could change schools, but i am not sure that this would help, as I would think he has not got long before secondary school.

You could do as we did in the end and Home Educate, if that is an option.

I was too worried about the same bullies going on to secondary school with mine, and then having a further 7 years.

I hope you get it sorted.

saintmaybe Sun 17-May-09 22:09:46

agree. Look at other schools, they aren't all the same. He needs to know you take it seriously and that this isn't what he should expect to put up with in life.

Hassled Sun 17-May-09 22:18:18

The school will have an Anti Bullying Policy. Ask the secretary for a copy, and go through it line by line, to see what they should have done and haven't. That means that when you see the Head, you're in a position to say "Your policy says you'll do X, and instead you did Y". If you're not happy with the Head's response, go to a Parent Governor for starters. Your case if you go to the LEA will be stronger if you've explored all teh school options first.

poopscoop Sun 17-May-09 22:22:22

My DS was hardly at school towards the end. We took things very seriously straightaway. Spoke with teachers, head, governors and LEA. But on each occasion he came home with any injuries we took a photo and kept him off school.

In the end it was easier to de-reg him rather than continue the fight. We were exhausted with it. And poor DS self esteem was in his boots.

We did get aknowledgement that the bullying had happened (luckily witnessed by staff) and apologies, and exclusions but it was all a bit late in the day.

pinklady5 Sun 17-May-09 22:25:17

we have gone up 2 his school every time there has been an incident , the time he was beaten up the principle told me her hands were tied & that there wasn't much she could do but when we wrote her a letter telling her we wanted action taken against these bullies she became more helpful , we have had several meetings etc , my son hasn't experienced any physical bulling since but when he told us finally that every day the other boys call him , freak , retard , etc my heart broke , we moved house 6 years ago 2 get him in2 this school as it has a GREAT reputation , my son shouted at me the last time i went up that i just make things worse by talking 2 the principle , so now we dont know what 2 do , unfortunately there is no other primary school around but have a choice of 2 secondary schools when he is older ,

smellen Sun 17-May-09 22:26:01

That is outrageous. I am so angry for you reading this. Please go in and kick up stink. The school is totally abdicating its responsibility towards your son. Don't let the head fob you off with an appointment later than tomorrow morning (if you can do it). I know that some parents are intimidated by schools/teachers, but they are supposed to be doing a job, and they're not in this case.

For more information, you could try posting on the TES website, they have teachers chatrooms, and I'm sure you'll find someone there who could help you make a formal complaint. Might be worth getting your son to note down incidences with rough dates, and any action that was taken (or not). If he has reported things to his form tutor or other members of staff, records should have been kept - if they have not then they are again failing in their duty of care.

Let us know how you get on. Big hug to your son.

poopscoop Sun 17-May-09 22:27:54

Well it looks as if you are on the right track with your complaining to the school. I think you should definitely go to teh priniciple, maybe dont let your son know at first. If you dont go, the bullying will continue and you dont want that. But you need to let the principle know that your son is very concerned about repercussions of your meeting with her if the bullies come to find out.

smellen Sun 17-May-09 22:28:28

X-posted there. Sorry that you are having such a hard time, hope didn't make you feel worse giving advice, just pretty outraged for you. I do think that someone is not doing their job properly there though.

thisisyesterday Sun 17-May-09 22:33:10

i agree that tyhe school are clearly failing here, but 3 years is a hell of a long time for this to be going on.

I can't help but think that if this was my child he'd have been out of there by now, if the school are that crap at handling it.

you do have to take some responsibility too you know. you can't just say "well, we've told the school and nothing happens"

this is your son! he's only 10 and he's been bullied for 3 years!
sorry if that sounds really harsh. but I was bullied at school and I would have done anything for it to stop, but my mum didn't do anything either (although in her defence she didn't realise how bad it was)

if the school aren't stopping this then remove him!

rachaelsara Sun 17-May-09 22:33:49

Haven't read the thread, I'm a bit tired. My dd2 is going into hospital tomorrow for otoplasty because she was bullied for one term at primary school-called a monkey etc. Bullying is horrible. Dd's school sorted it as soon as we realised how bad it was, I got dd to write a list of what had happened and it extended to two pages of A4. She'd coped as long as she could, but the damage is permanent.

Take it to the top. Make them understand how massive the problem is.

Good luck.

piscesmoon Sun 17-May-09 22:33:51

I think it is outrageous. Demand to see the anti bullying policy and make them follow it to the letter. If they don't make big waves- go to the governors. He shouldn't have had to put up with 3 days of it, never mind 3 years.

pinklady5 Sun 17-May-09 22:38:33

thanks for all the responses , I'm in tears so upset that my 10yr old thinks its become NORMAL 2 be called names like this sad
he is a very soft child , not in2 fighting or football etc loves computers , maybe the other boys think he is nerdy , I'm thinking of writing another letter to his principle as she seems 2 take more notice of letters whereas if we go up we feel like she pawns us off , my son says he doesn't care about the name calling he's just glad the hitting & kicking has stopped .

piscesmoon Sun 17-May-09 22:47:30

I would write down the incidents and go in tomorrow in person and show them to her. Ask for the policy, read it in front of her and ask her why x, y and z hasn't been done. Tell her that it is appalling that a DC in her school thinks it normal and ask her how she is intending to show him that it isn't normal and what she is going to do to have him treated with kindness and respect.
Don't leave until you have some answers and a clear idea of what she is going to do about it.

pinklady5 Sun 17-May-09 22:52:01

the boy that used to beat him up has been on a final warning in the school for the last year now yet never seems to get expelled , i know of several other boys that have been beaten up by him , when the bullies mother found out i had seen the principle over her son kicking my son in the head etc she tried to have a row with me & started shouting in2 my sons face & wagging her finger at him , i told her to back away from my son & walked him into school, when i got back she was still standing by my car waiting for a row , shock i told her if her kid ever touches my child again ill go to the police , got in2 my car shaking .
her son just stood there smiling the whole time .

BarnMummy Sun 17-May-09 23:01:58

I feel so sad for your ds. A good friend of mine never told her parents how badly she was bullied at school (for 7 years) until she was an adult. You have the opportunity to prevent this.

I just did a quick search and think that this site might be helpful - best of luck with it.

pinklady5 Sun 17-May-09 23:10:14

thanks barnmummy for that link , and every1 else for the great advice , i am going 2 sit him down in the morning & ask him 2 write out a list of all the names he gets called etc & then i am going to arrange another meeting with the principle , dh is taking time off work for moral support , ill show her ds list & ask her what is she going 2 do 2 stop this , ill also ask for a copy of the schools anti bullying policy , ill let you know how i get on , thanks again ,

smellen Mon 18-May-09 07:33:55

Been thinking about this over the night. Am sorry if most of our responses have been outraged calls of "get the school to deal with it" - which I think should be one of your first ports of call, but is also fairly facile advice, as your own emotions must be quite complicated.

I would imagine you are feeling not only angry, but a bit guilty about not realising how long the bullying has continued, as well as frustrated by your own powerless to protect your DS.

It is incredibly hard for a school to deal with bullying (not that I am excusing the school here - I think they are not fulfilling their responsibility here), as often "wading in" can exacerbate the situation, and also it takes a lot of work to get a kid expelled. Although it can be done. (There are financial penalties for school when they exclude children though, which can make some heads quite reticient to do so).

I spoke to DH last night about this, He was bullied (physically and name-calling) for a similar amount of time in his early teens. I asked him if he felt that being kept at home would have helped. Clearly whilst not helping his long term education or social development, he did say that his overwhelming feelings were those of depression and anxiety. As he says, you have to go to school, but if you are being bullied, you don't want to go. And, as a victim, you can feel really trapped by the system. He says he was probably picked on because he was quite skinny and sickly as a kid, and lacked self esteem, so was probably a magnet for bullies (who only pick on the weakest ones in the pack, little sh*ts).

The one thing that got him through (apart from quite a bit of truancy, unfortunately), was that he joined an out of school club (similar to sea cadets) where none of the bullies went, and he was able to make new friendships and learn new skills (e.g. sailing) that built up his confidence. You wouldn't know now that he had been through such a horrible time (unless you knew him very well), and he is a pretty nice and successful guy, so I am sure your DS will get through this with the right support.

Perhaps you could think of ways to help him build up physical and mental strength outside of school. DH says having a close bond and spending time with his parents also helped him through it.

Hope this helps.

piscesmoon Mon 18-May-09 07:56:19

I think that the out of schools activities is a great idea-anything to build his confidence and show it isn't his fault. It makes me mad to think that a DC can get bullied just because they are fairly soft or don't lkie football etc.
I would suggest contacting Kidscape this page for parents
I would read this link before you go in and also give them a ring-they deal with it everyday and I think that you could do with some moral support before you deal with the Head.
(if he is pysically hurt again I would follow through your threat and go to the police).

piscesmoon Mon 18-May-09 08:03:43

Make sure that you read this page on the school and anti bullying policy. I haven't looked at their download but I would print it out and take it in with you. Don't get fobbed off. The page that I have linked shows you all the excuses the school might make-I would also print it out and show it to them, if they use one! Be prepared. Good luck-let us know how you get on.

Chinwag Mon 18-May-09 08:24:31

Read the information for parents on the Kidscape web site. I found it really helpful.

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