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dd1 is being bullied and she refuses to tell the teacher :-(

(57 Posts)
nailpolish Fri 23-Jan-09 09:43:58

its a long story
the other girls in her class are calling her names and ignoring her when she goes to play with the crowd at playtime
dd1 reacts by shouting "you are horrible" and then storming off
the girls then tell the teacher my dd is being mean to them
i spoke to the teacher this morning as dd1 told me everything last night
i said "she is reacting in that way because the other girls are calling her names"
the teacher then gave my dd into trouble for not coming to her instead shock
yes she should be telling the teacher and i have to remind her ofthis daily

tots2ten Fri 23-Jan-09 09:58:37

I had this when my dd1 first started full time school, she was in a different class in nursery, so she was a 'new' girl in that friendships had already been built up the previous year.

I used to go in weekly and talk to the teacher, because at one point my dd would make herself sick rather than go to school, or i was getting phonecalls from the school as she was sick in school.

If you dont get anywhere with the teacher then please go and see the head teacher. Its sounds like your dd is afraid of talking to her teacher. i am shock that she got into trouble. How old is your dd1?

newpup Fri 23-Jan-09 09:58:51

Horrible isn't it. DD1 had some bother with one particular girl when she was in year 3. The teacher was not very effective in dealing with it and made a big deal about DD1 coming and telling tales. But, if someone is physically hurting you, I would have though it better to tell the teacher rather than hurt them back! DD1 ended up in trouble for shouting at the girl but she had had enough by then and was simply telling her she was a bully and to back off!

Fortunately (or unfortunately) the girl then moved on to someone else. By Year 4 they had a much more effective teacher who dealt with the girl really well and had a zero tolerance to bullying.

It is really hard to teach them to stick up for themselves and then watch them get into trouble for it. We would absolutely not tolerate violence so DD was using her voice and reasoning to deal with the situation, which is how she will have to deal with matters in the outside world.

nailpolish Fri 23-Jan-09 10:35:31

i hate the way the teacher talks down to me
i feel like reminding her i am 35 not 5
why do teachers do that?

yes, i have told my dd to stick up for herself. its just she does it to her bullies, not to the teacher. she says the teacher ignores her anyway. teachers often ahve their favourites dont they
usually they pretty ones

SixSpot Fri 23-Jan-09 10:39:01

Oh poor dd, naily.

It is really good that she sticks up for herself, though. I was bullied at school and it didn't stop until I started hitting the bastards back (obviously this was when I was much older than your dd, but I still think the principle of sticking up for yourself is important).

expatinscotland Fri 23-Jan-09 10:39:14

I'd talk to the head.

That teacher sounds like the P1-P3 teacher at the school where DD1 was supposed to go: a cow.

nailpolish Fri 23-Jan-09 10:42:15

i was mid sentence when she put her hand in front of my face and said "can i stop you there"

ARGH

i ws shaking but i had to keep going to stand up for my dd.

i found dd trying to stretch her hair in the bath becasue she gets teased about having short hair (its not that short its like a jaw length bob) sad

SixSpot Fri 23-Jan-09 10:47:10

Oh I hate it when people do that.

The other one I hate is when they address you as "mum".

Aaargghh.

expatinscotland Fri 23-Jan-09 10:48:01

Wow! How unprofessional. I'd be tempted to write a complaint letter to the head in your shoes, tbh.

nailpolish Fri 23-Jan-09 10:50:04

i would like to talk to the head but i worry the situation would just explode

dd has been having playtime problems for a while - i spoke to the teacher a couple of months ago and she suggested dd goes to the library a couple fo times a week for a "quiet lunch"
there is a handful fo children who do this - to get away from the playgroudn

now this has just become something else for dd to get teased about sad

Lemontart Fri 23-Jan-09 10:52:36

your poor DD.
The class teacher sounds like she is so used to controlling and talking over the kids that she has forgotten how to talk and LISTEN to adults. The hand thing would have made me livid.
If nothing improves today and your DD comes home still unhappy, I would go in on Monday morning and ask to make an appointment to see the headteacher. You have told the class teacher, felt her response unsympathetic and focussed on the wrong element (ie - her own defensive reaction that DD did not trust her teacher enough to confide). I would be expressing not only my concern that my daughter was being bullied daily without any teacher’s picking up on it (who is supervising the lunchtime sessions??!!) and that her attitude and approach towards both you and DD when you broached this sensitive issue was inappropriate.

SixSpot Fri 23-Jan-09 10:52:56

naily has dd got any allies who will be "on her side"?

expatinscotland Fri 23-Jan-09 10:53:05

so basically this child has been bullied for several months, the teacher knows and hasn't done anything about it, and then has the audacity to get annoyed when the child goes to her own mother rather than an ineffectual authority figure.

nothing to lose by going to the head if this has been going on for a bit and this teacher doesn't do anything effective about it, IMO.

'can i stop you there?' i'd have replied, actually, no. i'd like to finish my sentence and be listened to like as an adult, the same courtesy i'm affording you.

Lemontart Fri 23-Jan-09 10:55:24

Nailpolish - that tactic is awful. Telling children to avoid the bullies and be almost hounded out of the playground solves nothing. That is disgraceful. Do not worry about it exploding - it might just need to be serious in order for them to act.
I am stunned by the quiet lunch idea - dreadful. Fancy dealing with the bullied kids rather than tackling the ones doing the bullying - sounds like something out of the 70s.

Please consider going in to see the head. It does not need to be a fight, just an on the record discussion about your concerns. You have given them time to sort it out and they have not done it. They have a duty of care towards your child and are not meeting it. Please don’t let them bury it.

nailpolish Fri 23-Jan-09 10:56:06

thanks lemontart

there are 2 supervisors in the playground at any time

example -
2 girls were chatting on the bench. giggling and looking over at my dd1. dd2 thinks they are talking about her so goes over and says "what are you talking about?"
the reply "we are talking about our sleepover that YOU are not coming to so go away"
dd1 says "YOU are horrible" and storms off

the supervisor sees this and asks the girls what happened
the 2 girls say "SHE called us horrible"
my dd doesnt say anything AT ALL
so my dd gets into trouble

i told the teacher this and she told me "your dd needs to come and tell me when this happens not shout back mean things"

ARGH

Gorionine Fri 23-Jan-09 10:58:05

The situation will not explode, you really have to go the the headteacher but if you think you might be a bit too emotional take someone with you that can explain things calmly, giving facts rather than feelings ( coul your Dh, your best friend or a member or your family do that with you?)

Usually school have an Antibullying policy, now is time for them to put it to practice. I feel sad for your DD.

muppetgirl Fri 23-Jan-09 10:58:45

I posted this on my antenatal thread on bullying

Les - very hard situation for you...My brother (the middle one, not the very popular one with the surprise daughter who has the morals of an alley cat ) was badly bullied physically and mentally. The school thought he 'brought it on himself' as he was 'a quiet boy'. What cured it was moving schools and growing to 6 foot 6. He had to go back to the original school to do a levels where the boy came and tried to shake his hand whereas my brother promptly flattened him. Never a problem again. He still talks about it now as being a hellish time and I think most people who are bullied never forget.
Does K do any sports? Maybe this would help as it's seen as an acceptable thing for a boy to do. Have you thought about a self defence discipline like judo, karate ect. This may help him give off 'don’t mess with me vibes' without actually him having to get physical.

I would also keep a log and write all the incidents, what when where ect and maybe specific lessons, who was involved and what they said. Take it to the teacher or head and you are then presenting them with hard evidence which makes you appear much more determined and less easy to fob off. You will have a document that you can give to the governors (don’t forget they employ all the teachers including the head, not the lea) and anyone else you choose. Remember to record how the bullying is making K feel.
Give it a time limit so K knows there is an end. Have a look at the anti-bullying policy and see if you can quote back to them their failings using their own documentation, you can include this in your incident log as it all helps.
This may sound heavy but it sounds like K needs something more and the school don’t want to consider it as it is a verbal discussion between you and them and nothing is on paper. Btw, any meetings you have with the school take notes and get them to sign them before you leave the meeting as it will be a record of who said what and also their response to what you said. If they won't then note this (but you have put the willies up them which is what they need) They may get formal with you and surprise you with independent witnesses in any future meetings so always ask who will be at the meetings you agree to with school and if they are to have a witness, then you can too.

some of it's not relavent but I've got to go out so couldn't re do
Hope some of it helps
xx

nailpolish Fri 23-Jan-09 11:00:51

thanks muppetgirl
i forgot about antibullying policy

noonki Fri 23-Jan-09 11:11:58

Hi Nail polish -
My friends little boy was badly bullied and she got in contact with Kidscape here

they offered advice like suggests of 'role playing' to do with her. So she learns to react in a different manner and lots of other tips.

It sounds like it as horrible as it is still in a stage where it can be sorted without moving school. I think they help with how to get the school more proactive.

Putting them inside sounds a terrible idea, though I can imagine for some children it is sheer relief.

I was bullied for a while but managed to stop it, even then it took a lot of encouragement from my parents to make me feel good again. But can honestly say there has been no long term damage to me !

Hope you can sort it out smile

Metatron Fri 23-Jan-09 11:38:31

awww NP that sucks. Your dd is v pretty and clever and they are meanies.

I would see the head of infants tbh. Ask how they are going to sort out the bullying. Take a list of questions and a notebook.

sleepychunky Fri 23-Jan-09 11:43:48

NP - really sorry to hear what's happening to your dd. I second what noonki says- get in touch with Kidscape. They have a helpline you can ring to get advice. By the way the school must have an anti-bullying policy by law, so ask for a copy and see what it says.

nailpolish Fri 23-Jan-09 11:44:55

i have a copy of the anti bullying policy somewhere...

nailpolish Fri 23-Jan-09 11:46:32

thanks metatron

its such a tiny school - they only have 6 teachers, a deputy head and a head so the next person up i suppose would be the head

if i ask to speak to her would she have to ask the teachr along?

Metatron Fri 23-Jan-09 11:50:24

Make an app in class time and say you want to discuss it just with the head.

I just wiped out another car btw. sad. Was driving along and this clown decides to drive out of a side street into me, Ripped the car open at the side and the back bumper off. Kids ok, but I have whiplash.

Feel crap tbh. Think I should go to a&e but will need to wait until Emily gets home from nursery.

PrimulaVeris Fri 23-Jan-09 11:53:37

That is an awful situation. It sounds that it's not going to be resolved with teacher support - I know you dont' want to but it has to be taken further.

Make an appt to see the head - you dont have to say what it's about and you have a reight to see her on your own. Make a list of point you want to bring up, write them down. Give examples of evidence - date, time, place.

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