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what to do for 4/5yr old bullying? bit long

(10 Posts)
mel1981 Thu 15-Jan-09 11:49:10

My son is 5yrs old and usually such a happy little boy he is very popular at school and LOVES going to school- he even wants to go in the holidays!
He has mentioned a few times of different kids hitting him at school at playtime/lunchtime, I try and do the right thing by telling him not to retaliate(sp?) and tell a teacher. He complained of two kids who hit him yesterday a boy and a girl, I asked did he tell a teacher and he said yes so I pretty much left it at that.
This morning he was his usual self getting ready, going to school & then all of a sudden in the playground he came running up to me crying asking me to take him home, he didnt want to be at school I asked why and he said he didnt want anyone to hit him again. I said he had to go then he started saying he felt ill and had a sore throat and wanted to go home (im certain this was just to try and get me to take him home). I felt so upset& sorry for him I never realised he felt this way. He was the last through the doors -hes usually the 1st.

I spoke to the teacher she said she was on playtime duty and didnt see anything and said that it wasnt like one of the kids I mentioned to hit another kid. I agree, but I have also been present when his mum told him if a child hits him then hit them back. Also another boy I mentioned is know by teachers and parents for bullying at the school.
She just didnt seem overly bothered TBH even though she said it was completely out of character for my son to behave the way he did this morning.
Im not saying my son is completely innocent or didnt start an arguement, etc as im only getting his side of the story, hes no angel but he is not a horrible/nasty boy usually quite gentle.
Im just not sure if I should of pushed the teacher harder to do something or am making something out of nothing. Ive never been in this situation before and am just so upset that my son has reacted the way he did, I never thought it was that bad. I thought it was Just kids being kids I guess.
Anyone have any advice please?

PuzzleRocks Thu 15-Jan-09 12:29:11

Bumping for you.

mel1981 Thu 15-Jan-09 13:16:40

Bumping again - please any help or advice appreciated. x

CrushWithEyeliner Thu 15-Jan-09 13:25:10

I think there might be more going on here than meets the eye. I don't think hitting to the point where the child is scared is acceptable behavior and should have been NOTICED and NOTED. I am not sure what step to take next but hope things work out for you and you get some good advice here.

Katiestar Thu 15-Jan-09 15:04:44

i think it is probaby something and nothing if it is just the one occasion.
The playground is a very boisterous place and when I first started helping at school I was surprised at how 'physical it was.Not fighting but swinging each other round charging up & down -limbs flying all over the place and lots of accidental bumps.
Perhaps your DS accidentally caught this child and following his mums advice whacked your DS back.
I think if your Ds was truly upset, he would have been showing signs long before you got anywhere near the school.
I think you did right to mention it to the teacher though ,and I hope he is happier tomorrow morning

GJB Mon 26-Jan-09 21:44:39

I do NOT think this is "something & nothing".
I am going through EXACTLY the same thing with my 6yr old son. (I have twin boys who were 6yrs old in Dec 08)
STOP THIS NOW BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER!!!
My son began to misbehave in Nov 08. I put it down to his regular class teacher being unavailable and a supply teacher being bought in to cover. After 3 wks his behaviour continued to get worse - at school AND at home - and he made constant excuses as to why he should not go to school. The week I finally discovered why was a week when I had been pulled aside by the supply teacher for the THIRD time for her to report my sons' "unruly behaviour". I asked him if anything was wrong. HE said nothing. It was his twin brother who told me about the bullying! Once his brother had "broken the ice" my son told me 3 boys were (on a daily basis) kicking & punching him,flicking & poking him in the face and squeezing & pinching his genitals. I saw his teacher about it. She "had a word" with the bullys and "made them apologise" to my son. One of the bullys stopped attacking him, one had the occasional attack but the third carried on regardless. I saw his teacher AGAIN. The bullying continued. I've been in meetings with the headteacher. She said "I think you're mistaken about the bullying, none of my members of staff have seen a single incident involving your son."!!! So, just because its not seen, it does not happen?
Why do I have the parents of other children in my sons' class approaching me to say their son/daughter has been going home telling them that my son is being bullied by this boy?
If the children are seeing it, why aren't the staff? BECAUSE IF THEY ADMIT TO IT, the bullying will have to be noted and that will affect their precious "good record"!!
I have found the rules for this. 1. Report to teacher. 2. If no joy, report to Head teacher. 3. If no joy, report to school governing body. 4. If no joy, report to local education board. 5. if no joy, report to the Secretary Of State For Education.
I am between point number 2 & 3. I wish you more success than I have had so far...but, PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE THIS...it will not go away!! If you dont stick up for your child, who will?
Good luck and fond regards x

thecloudhopper Thu 19-Mar-09 21:51:08

I am sorry but at this age they genrally do not bully in the sense of the word you mean. They are still exploring different behaviours and what is aceptable and what is not..

Boys will be boys Im sorry to say.

seraphpendragon Sun 14-Jun-09 17:09:30

I'm no parent, but as I guy maybe I can offer a different insight.

Don't tell your kid to not retaliate. Indeed, he will have to stand up for himself. He need not become a bully himself, but when someone is picking on you, a boy needs to "man up" and put his foot down. Teachers can only do so much. The bullies obviously find time in the day to attack your son, and this can be before or after school when there is no one around. If they start messing with him, it's on. They continue to pick on him precisely because he's not fighting back and it's entertaining to them. In any conflict the aggressor sets the rules. Even so little as a shove is a challenge.

So, your son is going about his business, and the bullies come up for their routine. Say they shove him...he should shove back, throw whatever he's holding (bag, books, etc) down and tell them, "Let's go. You guys want me, well you got me!" It sounds insane, and it will be scary, but he's ARLEADY getting beaten up, so he has nothing to lose. And even if they get him again, he can make it NOT fun to pick on him. Given the choice between picking on someone and having him hit back, and picking on someone you can have your way with, clearly a bully will go for the one who just takes it.

HowlingAtTheMoon Mon 12-Oct-09 10:27:32

I am on here this morning because my Yr1 DS is being hit and kicked by another boy in his class and his cronies. My son has only told me little bits and I have tried not to get too wound up thinking that it is probably just playground games but now I ma being told by other children that he is being pinned down and hit and kicked. I talked to him this morning and told him if he was ever unhappy about something that happened at school he must tell me and the teacher but I also told him that he shouldn't let anyone make him scared and if this boy hit him again to hit him back harder. I know this goes against all advice but I agree with seraphpendragon a bit here. I had the same experience myself at school and one day I just fronted it out and said OK lets fight and they totally backed off. I know this doesn't work for everyone but I want my son to know it's ok to stand up for himself seeing as no-one else in the school appears to.

tghrmum Mon 19-Oct-09 10:02:41

I agree with the steps GJB gave you. Would not recommend talking to parents unless they are of the friendly and reasonable variety.
The child who stopped is probably from such a family and knows he's crossed the line. Unfortunately the boy who persists probably doesn`t or knows no one will disapline him.
I think your right to worry about your sons change in personality. I am in a similar position and trying to give my DS lots of love and suport.
I had a similar experience as howling at the moon. I flew at a girl kicking her with all my mite after she picked on me. Afterwards I felt no different but she strangly wanted to be my friend.
Wouldn`t tell this story to DS but would love him to come home with similar happy ending.

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