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Telling on each other?

(10 Posts)
colie Fri 03-Oct-08 22:54:25

Not sure if this is bullying.

Dd1 is 6 and in yr2.

She seems to play with a circle of about 10 girls. She tells me they all call themselves the "girly" group.

Anyhow one girl, Jane, joined in with the group in about May. My daughter and Jane seem to have been having issues with each other since then. DD says Jane is always telling tales on her and if dd says she is going to tell on her then Jane runs and makes up a tale to tell first. Dd said Jane is faster than her so always manages to tell first. She has also said that Jane pushes her.

The other day some of the group were playing in the playground after school. I had my eye on dd2, when dd1 came over to me with another friend, and told me Jane had pushed her again. I told her to ignore her and go and play. She was back again 5 mins later saying the same thing,.

When I looked over, Jane was standing next to her step dad and both were sort of looking at me. Dd 1 was crying so we just left.
I have had Jane back for tea a few weeks ago, in the hope it would defuse the situation. So, I kind of know the mother.(as mum stayed, whilst Jane played). Anyhow, the mother approached me the following morning and said there was some sort of dispute going on between the two girls and she had told Jane to just try and be nice to my dd. I told Jane's mum I was hoping that we could get the girls together when they are playing after school and just speak to them nicely about the situation. We did this that afternoon, I said I thought they should just try and play nicely as friends together with the rest of the group, then the mum said, you's don't have to be friends but just be nice to each other, don't say mean things and don't be calling any names!! I was taken aback by her "don't have to be friends bit," but then just said, "yes, be nice to each other and no more pushing!

On speaking to my dd later that evening, I asked if she thought what me and Jane's mum said was ok. She said it was but that she had not been calling anyone any names. I believed her, I think I can usually tell when she is lying. Anyhow, dd said yesterday was fine, Jane didn't tell on her and didn't push her.

Today she said everything was fine, but said another girl, called Mary, told on her. I began to think, it must be my dd who is causing all this telling on each other thing.
Anyhow, a couple of hours later she was telling her Dad that she was crying in school today. The story emerged that she told Jane she didn't like Mary. Jane then told mary and told her to tell on dd for saying it. So, dd ran up to the gate and was crying because Mary told on her. Dd said all the "friends" had followed her to the gate and looked at her and then walked away.

Dh thinks todays incident is nothing to do with Jane and is fed up now listening to it. I think he thinks Dd deserved to be crying for saying she didn't like Mary. I feel it was a bit snide of "Jane" and that Jane is now just being sneekier. She is apparently a very bright little girl. Her Mum told me this, not in a braggy way really, and that she thinks Jane is bored in school as the work does not stimulate her.

Not sure what to do really. I have said to Dd to go and play with others when Jane starts this but she says she can't find anyone else to play with. Also, Dh had felt that was punishing Dd as both Dd and Jane want to play with the "girly" group, so why should Dd be the one to go and find another friend.

I don't really want to speak to Jane's mum about it again as I would have to say Jane is pushing her etc. and being underhand. I am sure she feels that my Dd is calling Jane names etc. (due to her little speach to the girls). It will just cause anamosity (sp)

I just feel all this telling on each other can't be a good thing. If watching them the other afternoon is anything to go by. Is this normal for 6 yr old girls?

I think I want to speak to their teacher but Dh says I can't speak to the teacher everytime someone tells on her or she tells on someone.

School is having a curriculum eveing, hmm, as oppossed to a parents evening, on Wednesday. Does anyone think it is ok to mention it then. Or am I making a mountain out of a mole hill, and should just speak about the curriculum that night. Not really sure what we are suppose to speak about that night.

compo Sat 04-Oct-08 13:12:24

Hopefully someone will be along to give more advice but it does sound like normal gilr stuff
It might be an idea just to ask the teacher how your dd is doing socially?
fwiw don't think Jane's mum was wrong when she said they don't have to be friends, just be nice to each other. If they genuinely don't get on then you can't really force them to

hippipotami Sat 04-Oct-08 13:19:14

I agree wtih compo. This appears, sadly, to be run of the mill girl's stuff. Dd is 5 and in Y1 adn I have already noticed this is starting to happen. Luckily dd is content not to be one of the gang at times, but I do know she sometimes gets upset when someone tells on her for something or when she is not allowed to play with the others.
I also agree with Jane's mum about 'you don't have to be friends'. Because no-one has to be friends with someone they dont' get on with. As long as there is no nastiness not being friends is fine.

hippipotami Sat 04-Oct-08 13:20:25

Oh, and don't bring it up at curriculum evening unless you ahve one-to-one time with the teacher.
Perhaps better to ask the teacher at drop off if she can spare you a minute at the end of the day and ask her then, in a casual way, if dd is okay socially. Don't go into the whole Jane told on dd unless the teacher tell you there is a problem.

FranSanDisco Sat 04-Oct-08 13:25:21

Ok, will keep this brief. It's not just a girl thing. My ds (6yo) was crying yesterday after school for similar reasons. His face was so blotchy I knew he was genuinely upset and must have been crying for some time. As I talked to him, one of his friends cam over and said to me "X tells lies". X (ds) burst out crying again and I said to the boy "No X doesn't and he's very sad". The boy ran off laughing. I decided, with ds's agreement, to speak with his teacher. THis boy and another and ds have been telling tales on each other all day and at some point in the day each had cried.

Now, I have been through similar with dd who is now 8 yo. THis tell taling is a pain and they need to learn to deal with it without adult involvement. I know the teachers got bored with it. I have told dd and now ds that we may not like everyone but we can be pleasant and not make people's lives sad by being mean. If someone is constantly horrible we don't have to play with them either. It comes down to empathy imho.

Ds's teacher told me he gets on with everyone and she seems quite fond of him (even though he can be a live wire). He is fine today and I've told him start afresh on Monday.

compo Sat 04-Oct-08 13:25:36

I agree with hippipotami in that it does sound like normal 6 year old girl stuff
My sil told me my neice drives her mad with all the telling on people stuff
Whenever we meet up she is constatnyl comign up to me telling me that my 4 yr old pushed her, looked at her funny etc etc

compo Sat 04-Oct-08 13:26:50

crossed posts,noraml 6 yr old stuff then!

wheresthehamster Sat 04-Oct-08 13:52:43

Agree - normal.

Remember your dd is only telling you the bad stuff. 99% of the time everything will be fine.

She needs to see that the incident about Mary 'telling on her' started because she was nasty about Mary. I know you feel Jane was being sneaky, but I bet your dd has also done things that Jane's parents would consider sneaky too.

Really we only ever hear one side - the side of our perfect, non-aggressive, truthful, angelic child. And I'm not being horrid - I've been there myself many times!

colie Sat 04-Oct-08 15:26:13

Thanks ladies.

Also, thanks for reading all that.

Now on reflection I can see you's are all right.

wheresthehamster - I hadn't thought of that. Think you are 100% with the "bet other parent thinks my dd has done a sneaky thing or two".
I find it hard putting it all into perspective. Got too try harder at this.

I suppose at the end of the day dd has to learn herself, who she plays with who she doesn't etc.

Her and this little girl clash all the time and she has to learn how to deal with that for herself. If I keep interfering she is never going to learn.

This parenting malarkey is just too hard for me!!

Thanks again ladies.

AJ2008 Tue 21-Oct-08 21:47:46

Just because it appears to be "normal" does not make it right. Check your school's antibullying policy - they have to have one by law and they have to allow you to see it, if it is not on their website. There will be a definition of what the school terms bullying and I bet it will be something like:

"Bullying is any repeated action that causes discomfort and upset". they will then go on to define the sorts of actions that they will try to prevent e.g: name calling, exclusion (no you cant play) and spreading false rumours. There will be a lot more.

I agree that you cannot make children be "friends" but you can make them be polite and considerate to each other, including people they do not like.

I would also suggest that you ask to see the teacher and dont wait for a parents evening - 10 minutes is not long enough to discuss something like this. The other suggestion I would strongly make is that you stop discussing it with the other Mother as it has gone on for awhile and as my children's Head Teacher said when my daughter was being bullied, once the parents start arguing, it makes it harder for the school to deal with it.

As for the other girl being "bored" well that is no excuse for her to behave the way she is.

You are not interfering, you are supporting your child. At the moment the children are running things and at 6 years old, it should be the adults who are in charge.

I hope you manage to get it sorted out.

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