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Help me get daughter to go to school

(33 Posts)
unsure111 Tue 07-Jan-20 09:24:18

Having a few issues with daughter actually going into school. Waking up most mornings she's fine, getting dressed she's fine but once we're outside the classroom. She goes pale, cries and refuses to go in she's just turned 9.

We are having problems with a couple of other kids in school, bullying, leaving her out, and 2 incidents have happened wont say what they are as they are outing but my daughter was heartbroken and embarrassed by these.

I've had meetings with the teacher and deputy head. They won't use the bullying word because they haven't saw what's happened. They just think the main one is high spirited. My daughter now has no close friends in class and doesn't know what to do at breaks and dinner which the school have been trying to help with.

I'm in the process of transferring schools and took the forms in the be done. Has anyone got any experience how long this can take? I'm at the point where I'd rather go off sick from work and keep her at home until she's into the new school? But not sure that will help? I'm not sleeping, constantly got a sick feeling in my stomach and just feel dread every night and morning.

PlanDeRaccordement Tue 07-Jan-20 09:35:41

You could call the office that does the midyear school changes and ask them the processing time. If there is a place in the new school, it can be as little as two weeks. Some areas it is an office in the county council that does that transfer. Others if it’s different schools within same Academy trust, the academy does it. They should be able to look up school and year, tell you if there is a place open and a timeline for when she can start at new school.

As well as meetings, have you written a letter detailing the bullying and asking a file be opened and steps taken? Call it what it is. Once you send written notice, schools are required to open a file and look into bullying. It’s an Ofsted inspection item. If it’s just verbal complaints and meetings, they don’t have to open a file and do investigations/take action with bully’s parents and so tend to be evasive and dismissive.

unsure111 Tue 07-Jan-20 12:19:03

Thanks @PlanDeRaccordement

I will give them a call.

No just meetings we have had. Will write a letter today and get the ball rolling

unsure111 Wed 08-Jan-20 09:46:26

Just to add this morning I had to hold my daughter in the class while trying to close the door while the teacher stood staring at me. When the door finally closed I had to stand outside the door keeping it closed otherwise daughter would of got out. It wasn't until I stared back at her and the other kids had to say can we lock the door. If I had let go of the door she would of darted straight out the door which I would of been a task again getting her back in and disruptive to everyone!

LuluBellaBlue Wed 08-Jan-20 09:50:40

Oh my goodness! Please please don’t do this to her!
Take her out and go off sick.
This will literally scar her for life, poor love she sounds terrified.
She is in genuine distress and clearly school is not a safe place for her.

Goawayquickly Wed 08-Jan-20 09:54:37

Keep her off, she sounds terrified.

MollyButton Wed 08-Jan-20 09:56:59

If she can't go into school - or starts crying - then turn around and take her to your GP. Get him to record her stress and mental health issues - which she must have from the bullying.

Please do not physically force her into the classroom like that!!!!
Can you imagine how much worse the bullying will be after everyone has seen her being forced into the classroom in such a way?
And you have told her that you are not a safe person - but regardless of how much she is hurting and afraid you will make her go into a torture situation.

unsure111 Wed 08-Jan-20 10:23:30

According to the teacher she settles afterwards and yesterday she was helping other kids in the years below.

It's the the going into school which is the problem. The 2 girls seem to have left her alone now. I had a meet up with the mum of the main girl and they haven't said or done anything since.

She is desperate to move schools though. And this morning had made me feel awful so I can imagine how it must make her feel. If it happens again I will definitely just take her back home. I just don't know what the teacher was thinking

MollyButton Wed 08-Jan-20 10:38:37

According to the teacher she settles afterwards and yesterday she was helping other kids in the years below.

Teachers have said similar things to me about my DDs. In one case I reported to them for 4 years that she complained she had no friends - for them to just say "oh of course she does". After 4 years of this being something I mentioned every parents evening, even though to me it seemed she had friends. A teacher set a trainee teacher to observe in the playground - and it was reported back that my DD spent every break sitting in a quiet area and reading - because she had no friends.

unsure111 Wed 08-Jan-20 10:48:38

@MollyButton that's exactly what my daughter is saying. She has no friends the one good friend she had has now gone with the girl who was bullying her.
The teacher has asked to pick 4 people from the class to play with but she knows and has said she feels like they are just being forced to play with her.

The school I wanted her to go to has just let me know that they have no places left. So I'm stuck at what to do now.

LuluBellaBlue Wed 08-Jan-20 11:12:54

I’ve been there with my son and it’s a horrible sickening feeling and I too felt totally lost.
I honestly would give her some time off school, she sounds like she desperately needs it

unsure111 Wed 08-Jan-20 11:37:30

@LuluBellaBlue she's just had 2 weeks off I thought the break would do her good. If someone could just support me getting her into the actual classroom I would be happy. But it seems the teacher isn't interested anymore.

What was the outcome for you In the end? I honestly don't know where, who or what to turn to. I constantly feel sick and not sleeping worrying about sending my daughter to somewhere she hates.

OvalCanvas Wed 08-Jan-20 11:45:01

My daughter was bullied op , it got so bad that numerous meetings with the ht did nothing. I removed her and home schooled her for a period while she recovered from it all. She was then found a place at a lovely school and was very happy there.

There is a template for letting the school know if you are removing your child for home schooling , it's easy to find. I'm in England and was able to legally do this , I think it's different if you are elsewhere.

unsure111 Mon 13-Jan-20 18:47:09

Sorry quick update I don't know who else to ask to get a few opinions.

Daughter went in school this morning at 9:30 then had to be held back by 3 teachers as she was trying to get out to me. I've gone back as she in such distress sat in a room with her for a while.

My daughter has said today one of the teachers threatened to get the headteacher for the way she was acting.

I said to my daughter she should of said yes my mums been trying to speak to her since October.
Am I right In keeping her out of school now until the new school place is offered?

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 13-Jan-20 19:00:00

Your poor, poor DD.

I'm really sorry that I haven't got experience of school refusal but I did have experience of one of my DC being hit regularly.

I did get to see the HT very quickly but mainly because I read the anti bullying policy, stated in a letter what had been happening and and asked for a written reply within 7 days. The quick response we got might have had something to do with the fact that we copied in the Governors and the LEA.

As for her being left out, do the school have any activities on at lunchtime and is there anything like a friendship bench?

Some of these books might help your DD too thanks

unsure111 Mon 13-Jan-20 19:07:31

Thanks @JiltedJohnsJulie I've done the same wrote a letter and printed off the school bullying policy and highlighted all the points that apply to daughter.

The headteacher hasn't got her own email address so will send the letter in tomorrow now I know she's not going back.

Yes they did do a few activities when I first brought it to their attention and they have a buddy bench which my daughter has sat on a few times but nothing has worked.

If I was to send this letter to the governors & LEA how do I go about that? Sorry I'm completely clueless to all this.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns Mon 13-Jan-20 19:08:52

Hi op I was your daughter many years ago and due to how bad the bullying became for me my mum kept me off for around 8 weeks until I found the courage to go back to school when I felt ready, 15+ years later and I'm still affected by how others treat me.

I really would advise you you to keep your daughter at home and ask the school for some work for her to do because if it wasnt for my family keeping me off school and not making me go I wouldn't be here today because the bullying was that horrific.

Keep her off school and have her do some work at home with you because she needs to know your fighting her corner for you as being bullied is one of the most horrible things you can experience and you feel so alone.

unsure111 Mon 13-Jan-20 19:08:51

Also them books seem great. Will order a few

unsure111 Mon 13-Jan-20 19:13:14

@Purpleneonpinkunicorns thanks for that. I will keep her off and go to the school tomorrow and see if they can give me work for her. If not my cousin home schools her daughters so will ask her for some advice.

So sorry you had bad experiences. It breaks my heart how much it affects people even years later.

What I'm scared of is the someone getting involved about her absence.

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 13-Jan-20 19:19:58

* What I'm scared of is the someone getting involved about her absence*.

Write and complain and keep records of all the letters and responses.

There is some useful information on who to write to I'm scared of is the someone getting involved about her absence here.

unsure111 Mon 13-Jan-20 19:54:00

Sorry @JiltedJohnsJulie the link didn't work. Would you post it again please

JiltedJohnsJulie Mon 13-Jan-20 19:58:16

Really sorry, have no idea why the link didn't work. It should be here.

unsure111 Mon 13-Jan-20 23:05:27

@JiltedJohnsJulie thanks for that. Very useful

AvaSnowdrop Mon 13-Jan-20 23:15:41

Poor child sounds terrified. How can you live with physically forcing her into a place where she’s being attacked and treated like crap? The only message you’re sending to her is that her feelings are worthless and her personal safety is irrelevant. You’re indoctrinating her to sacrifice herself and her own wishes, and do what she’s told even if it makes her feel afraid. I’m absolutely horrified to read the part about her being restrained by staff as if she was a criminal! Don’t be surprised if her self esteem is utterly destroyed and she becomes socially isolated or a victim of abuse later in life. Please protect your child from these bullies and don’t make her go back, there are alternatives.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns Tue 14-Jan-20 17:33:38

@unsure111 how did you get on today with getting school work and how is your daughter feeling.

I'm sorry that your daughter is going through this and yourself but your doing the right thing as for keeping her off. Did your cousin recommend and home schooling help? And as for worrying about the absences I would write the school a letter or email and i would report about the bullying and also go higher up so they know that the school isn't dealing with it appropriately just keep records of everything and sorry i cant help with who to get in touch with but if you ever need a chat I'm available.

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