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Very confident girls making out they are victims.

(15 Posts)
Storminateacup74 Sat 22-Sep-18 15:46:10

My DD is almost 13 and having a hard time within her friendship circle. She has 4 friends who have all known each other since pre school and who all went on to secondary school together. My DD has matured a lot since leaving primary and is thriving at senior school however these 3 friends are still acting like they are at primary school with silly child like behaviour ie throwing shoes into the road. My DD loves to impress adults and do the right thing but these 3 girls love fighting the boundaries now. One of the girls is a ringleader and loves getting my DD into trouble. Although these girls are very immature in the way they act they are also very very confident and are able to turn a situation round to blaming my DD as they put on the tears and use their confidence and great acting ability to make themselves out to be the victims. Also they all do an out of school activity together and every week they mess about and my DD hates it so she tells them to have respect and stop messing about and this makes them do it all the more and end up blaming my DD yet again by using their tears and saying my DD picks on them. The workers always take their side as the tears win them over!!! After a disastrous first 2 weeks back at this activity where they were all so upset my DD quit and now this week the activity was so much calmer apparently as my DD who all the adults think is the 'instigator'. All the girls involved have been on social media today saying that it has proved now that my DD is the problem as this weeks activity was stress free. The abuse has been shocking "we pushed u out, we knew u would leave, we won "!!! But adults never see her side because she isn't as confident she cant fight her corner she just takes the abuse. Any advice?? She does have other friends but finds it hard socially as at this age girls already have their groups of frends. Any advice. She just wants to do the right thing. She is just so down and upset about it. I just want her to get her smile back.

cheshirecat777 Mon 24-Sep-18 15:41:52

It sounds a complicated situation which has evolved over many years could your DD start some different activities and just put some distance between herself and these other girls?

spinabifidamom Tue 25-Sep-18 17:50:44

Personally I think that they need drama lessons. Speak with the teacher about this.

Ask for your child to be physically away from these children. Bullying is not appropriate. Also contact a local therapist for advice and support regarding what to do now. If nothing happens I recommend pulling her out of the school immediately.

What happens during lessons? During lunch time what happens?

NorthEndGal Tue 25-Sep-18 17:54:54

If she already has other friends, she might want to spend more time with them.
As well, perhaps she can find ways to improve her own self confidence, and learn how to be clear with her own boundaries.

catkind Tue 25-Sep-18 18:04:35

The abuse has been shocking "we pushed u out, we knew u would leave, we won "!!!
Don't suppose they put that on social media where you can screenshot? If you have firm evidence I'd send it to the activity staff so they know to keep a careful eye on that group. In any case can you talk to her form tutor at school about what's been happening? They may be more aware than you think of the dynamic. Or at least be able to help keep them separated. I was on the receiving end of a similar group at your DD's age, was much better once I found different friends who were actually nice. Bullies escalated at first though when I stopped caring about being friends with them, just to warn you.

zzzzz Tue 25-Sep-18 18:09:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Storminateacup74 Thu 27-Sep-18 22:44:24

Unfortunately it has started at school a lot more now but these 3 girls have gone to head of year and said my DD is bullying them. From what I can work out they love to create a drama and like to create situations where they can run to the teacher/head of year, and their acting ability and tears win the teachers over. My DD can't stand up to them and when questioned by an adult she gets all tongue tied. I have e mailed today and have had to say how manipulative these girls can be as I have seen it with my own eyes many a time.

Teateaandmoretea Sun 30-Sep-18 08:02:06

I think you need to go into school and talk to her tutor or head of year. Ultimately why would 1 girl bully the rest of her friendship group so she got pushed out - it makes no sense and it won't to the teachers.

I would be asking for support in making new friendships, it doesn't sound like these girls are a good fit anymore. Girls do swap around friendships in secondary groups are not entirely set in stone.

continuallychargingmyphone Sun 30-Sep-18 08:04:52

I’d encourage her to not tell them things like ‘have respect for adults’ tbh. Let the adults deal with it.

ThanksHunkyJesus Sun 30-Sep-18 08:18:41

She needs new friends. For whatever reason they've all grown apart. Your dd sounds quite bossy, always telling them what to do.

ScattyCharly Sun 30-Sep-18 08:23:19

You need to screen shot the social media abuse and take it to school. Sit down with HOY and explain.

Bullies pretending to be the victim is a common strategy. There is a kid at my ds school who cuts things up. Having damaged a lot of other kids’ stuff up, he then damaged his own stuff to avoid suspicion.

Cancook Sun 07-Oct-18 09:07:35

Why would one child bully a group of 3?
Maybe she could try a few clubs at school or after and try and make a new friendship group. At this age kids seem more open to accepting new friends in to their groups.
Totally empathise. We’ve been there and things will improve.
Do speak with the Head of Year though about your concerns and maybe note particular incidents.

GreenTulips Wed 17-Oct-18 19:53:22

can she's move tutor group?
Have a fresh start?

Thing is teachers aren't daft but they do have limited time to deal with girls falling out - so you need to make a lot of noise and make them listen to you! Ask for a parent teacher meeting asap. You don't need to tell DD why you are going.

Also friendships are fluid and this age and just because you've encouraged a tight knit group doesn't mean others have too!

Whilst she's with these girls she isn't actively seeking other friends

sollyfromsurrey Sun 11-Nov-18 20:31:29

Screenshot everything. Keep evidence. Keep a log.

sparkle789 Sun 03-Feb-19 11:45:46

Op how are things now for your dd? My dd is having similar issues, and I feel unsure where to go from here. She is desperate to move schools and I don’t know what to do for the best.

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