Son fighting back against the bully

[Mumdev]

My 9 year old son has often complained over the past year his ‘friends’ push him in the playground, call him names and are generally mean to him. I’ve often told him to let it go as I know from experience that my son can give as good as he gets.
However, since being back at school (we live in Scotland) he’s come home most days upset saying that his friends are bullying him and he now plays by myself during break times. During an incident where the boys were pushing him my son snapped and got into quite a serious fight with the boys resulting in the boys getting hurt. I’m torn as my son is the only one seen to be doing wrong now as his friends are quite sneaky, what do I do as my son can now be seen as the bully? Help!

Thank you in advance.

[pilates]

I think you need to go in and have a chat with his teacher and stress you are worried about him retaliating after being provoked by the boys bullying him.

[Sethis]

"Friends" is the wrong word to use. They aren't his friends. Guys shove each other or call each other names in a fairly evenly distributed fashion, and they stop when someone is visibly upset - if they're friends. If your son is being targeted and nobody else is, and they're not stopping when he gets upset, they aren't friends. They're bullies.

I'd make sure your son knows that retaliation is not a failing on his part. Very often the school will trot out the line "You should just ignore them" or "You mustn't let them make you angry". Which is rubbish. You can't prevent your own emotions, and ignoring them encourages them. Tell your son that you love him and you're proud of him, and that standing up to bullies is a very brave thing to do.

As a matter of urgency, I would encourage him to look for friends elsewhere. In school if possible, out of school if not. Encourage him to try new activities if you can possibly organize it - things like sports, especially things like karate, fencing etc are great for a kid that age. Scouts would also be a good option. Anything where he can meet people his own age or a little bit older, find male role models and generally have better luck finding friends. Being able to work out some of his anger physically might also make him happier, even if it's just something like tennis.

Lastly, arrange a meeting with whoever his teacher is, or head of year, or head of pastoral care, whichever. Say clearly and calmly that your son is a sensible boy who doesn't just attack people for fun. He's responding to a sustained campaign of harassment in the only way open to him, in the absence of effective intervention by the school itself. Say that you understand that violence doesn't help them, but that your son also has a right to defend himself, and to try to disincentivise further bullying any way he can, and that ignoring it isn't going to be an effective deterrent if the teachers are not implementing any kind of plan to deal with it. Above all, keep calm, stay professional as much as possible, and don't take anything the teachers say as a personal attack on yourself or your son. They're professionals who genuinely do want to help, 99% of the time, but they are under huge amounts of strain and pressure, and your son being in fights isn't something they want to have added to their list of problems. Try to agree on solutions together and schedule a follow up meeting in a week or two, to re-evaluate the progress or lack thereof.

From my personal experience as a bullied child, it took two major fights before the bullying dropped to an acceptable level. One with my own classmates, when one ripped a page out of my book, and the second on the bus back from school, when I was being bullied by kids from a different school. Both times, I attacked first after "snapping" just like your son has, and I managed to get in some very solid punches to the face before being pulled off them. After that, the bullying dropped from near constant to rare. The teachers both times told me I was in the wrong, but it turned my life from living hell into tolerable.

Your mileage, may of course vary, but best of luck.

[Sethis]

Oh, one strategy that might work is if you ask the school to assign an older student (17-18) to keep an eye on your son and his peers during breaks, with permission from the teachers to intervene if things seem to be getting out of hand. Somewhat counterintuitively, this actually works better if it's a girl than a boy. At that age boys often respond to challenge from other boys with aggression, but challenges from a girl elicit confusion and compliance.

[PaulMorel]

Bullying is a very common issue nowadays. I think it would be best if you will talk to her teacher about that matter. I'm a bit proud of your son because he was able to defend himself against all those bad "friends". If still that case can't be resolved, then It would be better if you will transfer him to another school where he can study and play peacefully.

[Yinkakin]

My daughter made new friends when her old ones started picking on her. They were 10 yrs old. Soon it was all forgotten.

However that doesn't work for everyone as she makes friends easily but others (like me) don't.

If he likes animals like horses or dogs, try pairing him up with that. Like volunteering in a rescue centre etc. It might help ease his pain as animals have an amazing way of connecting to us. Again if he likes drawing or sports, anything to lift him out of feeling down and it's also something to look forward to for him.

As a parent though, I would be talking to the school. Sometimes talking to the other parents helps. If they are reasonable, they will team up with you and put an end to this. My kid was in 5 different schools by the time she turned 7 (father was a diplomat) so she had a wide range of experiences. I made friends with some of the bullliies & their parents. We are still friends today, again this does not work for everyone but unfortunately there is no magic bullet that will fix this.

Sorry to hear what you are going thru and hope it works out for you.

[cheshirecat777]

Sorry to hear about this BUT really well done to your son for standing up for himself - sadly no number of meetings or warnings or kind words will change the actions of a bully the only solution is stand up to them or remove yourself from that environment, just say you understand why your son did it and you love him and are proud of him. So sick of bullies going off crying when they provoke all the time - there is one of those in my sons class and I have told my son if G hits you, you must show him you will stand up to him and if you get in trouble so be it. (Btw G known bully who has no SEN)