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My child is the bullying boy

(16 Posts)
Cjc4306 Wed 13-Jun-18 21:25:50

He is the one enjoying or making himself feel better by been a bully . advice help please .

ALiensAbductedMe Wed 13-Jun-18 21:31:45

Have you talked to him about it?
What has he been doing?
Anything happening that may explain (not justify) what he is doing?
How is he aside to this?
How old is he?

AuditAngel Wed 13-Jun-18 21:32:44

Has something changed recently that might have caused this change in his behaviour? Or has he always behaved in this way?

Thistles24 Wed 13-Jun-18 23:11:09

To be honest, I'd be down on him like a ton of bricks if it was my son. Ban on all extra curricular activities, no friends round, no screens- give him plenty time to think about his actions. I would find out why- it may be that he's also having problems, but even so, needs to learn that you don't solve your problems by making life miserable for somebody else. Where is the bullying taking place? I'd be in talking to teachers or club leaders and letting them know what I knew about the situation, and asking how you could work together to resolve it. It must be horrible for you as a parent to find out your child is acting in that way, but great that you are wanting to take steps to stamp it out. Good luck flowers

Cjc4306 Thu 14-Jun-18 09:50:12

I have revoked all of his privileges but l am not sure if this will help I think its a bully tactic to counteract a bully I need him to understand the impact on the other person/people is there any help to do this without bullying him of course I will do this if it is a way to deal with it . just want to know if it is advised or is there another way has anyone else dealt with this ??

MrsMozart Thu 14-Jun-18 09:52:40

Ha he said why he's doing it?

How old is he?

Who is he bullying?

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 14-Jun-18 09:58:51

Discipline is not bullying!

HsD2975 Sat 16-Jun-18 20:33:37

How old is your child? Where is he bullying? Who is he bullying? And how is he bullying ie. name calling, violence etc.

I agree discipline in not bullying. By revoking his privileges is not bullying him, it is teaching him that his behaviour is unacceptable and there are consequences to his actions.

Benandhollysmum Wed 11-Jul-18 01:48:50

Bullies bully because ,
They are bullied themselves or been bullied

Either way a bully is a deeply unhappy person inside you need to find the root of it

Arum51 Wed 11-Jul-18 02:18:03

I completely disagree that people only bully if they have been bullied themselves, or that they are deeply unhappy. It is human nature to enjoy 'power'. Some people get that feeling through mastering a skill, or seeing the child they've nurtured do well, or running their own business. Some choose to get that feeling by sexually abusing children, or beating their partner, or bulling. They do it because they enjoy it, they get something out of it. People are usually very, very bad at doing things they don't enjoy.

OP, you need to work out what he's getting out of it. Attention? Control? Is it just spite? What is it about this (unpleasant) form of power that attracts him, and are there more positive ways he can get that instead? Obviously, if this is spite, you've got a real problem on your hands, but there are other possibilities. For example, if what he's looking for is attention and respect from his peers, there are far nicer ways to go about it.

HsD2975 Wed 11-Jul-18 06:25:08

Some bully’s will be being bullied. But to put them all under one umbrella and assume this is the case for all bullies is ridiculous.

My son has been bullied. The children that choose to treat him this way are children that have a nasty streak in them and do not understand how to treat my child respectfully.

I have brought my son up on the basis that it’s nice to be nice to other human beings. It really is that simple. Unfortunately not everybody leads life by this rule.

somewherebecomingrain Wed 11-Jul-18 06:43:08

I think the fact that you feel that disciplining him is bullying is important. I don't know what it means - could it be because there's a bullying dynamic in your family which isn't deliberate OR because he is someone who feels bullied by life because of some sensitivity in him? Or do you shrink from giving him boundaries (totally natural imho but sometimes needs to be addressed.) Hark at me, pretty guilty about my own parenting, but can you set boundaries in sorrow rather than anger, calmly and without authoritarian intimidation? But stay utterly firm? As for how other people feel, some people are better at this than others. My son is crap at it and gets bullied and even, when sticking up for himself, veers into behaviour that can be construed as bullying, although he'd never do it to someone who didn't start on him first. I'm not sure how you do this, other than show a lot of empathy and understanding to your child. I'd be interested to hear suggestions.

Benandhollysmum Wed 11-Jul-18 09:27:54

Well that’s that’s up to you to disagree, but it’s been found that bullies are deeply unhappy souls, they don’t prey on the weak they prey on those that are unprotected. A bully will never dare go near someone who has a solid group of friends who will stick up for their friend, they are opportunistic. So why they unhappy? Well it could be many things, jealous of the other person is the most common. The other person has something they want, ie fancy clothes, intelligence, looks ect.
How many really happy people go about bullying others? None because it’s not their nature to do so

somewherebecomingrain Wed 11-Jul-18 13:15:24

benandhollysmum this is true.

My son is really unhappy at the moment and he's feeling aggressive. When he gets pushed by his bully and has his lunchbox thrown around he replies angrily "when are you going to stop being a bully?"

Unfortunately one of the first things he said when he met his bully at the beginning of the school year (he was new in yr 4) was 'I've been told you're a bully' ie a very provocative and unkind thing to say (although he didn't mean it like that - he's just socially inept and probably wanted to head off trouble) .

I'm trying to talk to him at the moment about the difference between causing trouble (saying 'i've been told you're a bully' to somebody who's done nothing at all yet) and sticking up for yourself. I think this is a legitimate difference.

What is more the bully stares at me in the playground and sometimes he's a bit sneery but this morning I saw a deep unhappiness on his face.

Unfortunately, my son's unhappiness, which is pretty bad at times and is all because of school, comes first. But in an ideal world I'd get to know the bully and we'd all grow and learn together.

Benandhollysmum Wed 11-Jul-18 23:38:32

Your son is giving the bully exactly want bully wants, a reaction! Instead of replying angrily about stop being a bully, your son should try reverse psychology like whenwill you start being my friend? If bully replies never he should just shrug and walk away It may shock the bully into thinking wow my actions wasn’t getting the attention I was hoping for..
clearly this bully is a loner as you don’t mention the bullies friends, so make sure your son approaches with caution as a lone bully might hiding something serious, such as he has a mental health illness or he’s being abused at home..which he could be looking to vent on someone and don’t want it escalating onto your son..

Your son might benefit from a martial arts class as well.. it’s one thing I recommend to all parents whose kids are being bullied. Not to fight violence with violence but to gain self esteem lost through bullying as the knowlegde they gain to be able to know how to fight back seems to have a positive effect on children.

MaryPeary Sun 05-Aug-18 10:53:11

Would it help to talk through with your son how it makes the other child feel? There's often confusion about what is 'banter' and what is acceptable. I found this poster a good starting point for talking with my own kids. You could also look at these pages from the Anti-Bullying Alliance and discuss them with him.

My child has been accused of bullying , also from the Anti-Bullying Alliance, may give you some help.

This can't be easy for you, but hopefully your son will learn and grow.

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