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would you talk to the parents?

(27 Posts)
IamAporcupine Wed 31-Jan-18 19:28:31

My DS (Y1, just turned 6) has been having issues with a couple of boys at school, one of them in particular as he is the one who tells the other what to do. It started with minor issues but has escalated to the point that he is now making 'a team' against my son.

We know the boy's parents and get on ok with them (not really close, just friendly hi, how are you).

I am getting more and more concerned about this and will talk to the school (again) about it but I am wondering if we should also talk to the parents? Or is that a total no-no?

Myddognearlyatethedeliveryman Wed 31-Jan-18 19:31:43

I wouldn't. The issue might blow over but the dps won't be so forgetful. . Leave it to school imo/e .

Greensleeves Wed 31-Jan-18 19:33:58

Others may differ, but imo it rarely goes well. Parents get defensive, are scared and angry at the thought that you might get their child into trouble, you see red because they are minimising/calling your child a liar, all objectivity and common sense goes out of the window, neither of you has any credibility with the school because it's seen as an undignified squabble between parents. And if the kids patch it up and become friends later, it's excruciating for you all.

Go back to the school. Ask to see the bullying policy if it's not on their website it should be). Stay calm, persistent and logical. Don't be fobbed off. Ask for face to face meetings with the class teacher and the safeguarding lead if you're not satisfied that they're being proactive enough; bullying isn't a normal part of school life that kids have to learn to roll with, it's completely unacceptable and the school has a duty to act decisively to stop it. But give them a chance to do that before you get really angry, and insist that they keep you involved and informed of exactly what they will be doing.

IamAporcupine Wed 31-Jan-18 19:35:26

I am new to all this - will the school talk to teh parents at some point?
This has been going for a few months now.

Greensleeves Wed 31-Jan-18 19:37:46

If there has been definite bullying by a particular child, then speaking to that child's parents should be one of the measures the school will take. You need to make sure they keep you informed of everything they are doing about this - don't be put off by "thanks, we'll deal with it". If you're not happy it's enough, ask for a meeting.

123namechanged Wed 31-Jan-18 19:39:51

I mentioned to a couple of the parents that DS was a little upset because their children were teasing DS, saying that DD was his girlfriend because they would play together at school.
DS is year 1 and DD is reception.
The two boys are in DS class and were also in his reception class so I was friends with the mums.
One of them was not happy with her son at all, and made him apologise to DS in front of her.

If my children were bullying then I would 100% want to be told.
I would advise speaking to the teacher first to see if they could do anything though.

IamAporcupine Wed 31-Jan-18 19:47:45

If my children were bullying then I would 100% want to be told

That's the way I see it too, and I would prefer to be told by the parent and not the school, but I understand not everyone will react the same way.

Lymmmummy Wed 31-Jan-18 19:52:26

Tbh I would just approach the teacher and if no joy then the head.

These things are v difficult but you really need to let the school deal with it - the only exception I would make is in the situation if say the boys had been close friends previously so you knew the parents very well. Either way I think approach the teacher and if you are getting nowhere escalate to the head keeping a log of what has gone on etc

IamAporcupine Wed 31-Jan-18 19:56:08

Yes it is definitely one child in particular. He is very popular and has some 'followers'. Started with a bit of pushing and hitting but it's getting worse. Maybe less physical but definitely more nasty.

At first I probably minimised it, hoping it was just a phase, but DS came back today looking very upset saying it is getting worse and that it's '4 against 1' now.

IamAporcupine Wed 31-Jan-18 20:06:07

Yes, sorry, we did talk to the (substitute) teacher last year and things got much better, but this year they have a new substitute teacher and things started to go bad again. I mentioned it briefly last week and they said they will keep on eye....

RandomMess Wed 31-Jan-18 20:14:02

You need to take this up with school and ensure they follow their anti bullying policies, tell them that it's bullying and ask how they are going to start protecting your DS and quickly.

IamAporcupine Wed 31-Jan-18 20:15:02

Also, I am concerned I might be told that this is just kids behaviour and that they do fall out with each other, they cannot force them to be friends etc etc

Is gathering a 'team' of (ex) friends of DS and turning them against DS, normal kids behaviour?

GreenTulips Wed 31-Jan-18 20:21:07

It's not no real behaviour at all.

You should speak to the teacher and ask their view in the last week.

The longer it goes on the more tit die tat it gets and unraveling becomes harder

Ask them if they have spoken the parent aorbintend to?

Usually these kids have form and parent sknow their own child! They don't hide it well at 6

HamishBamish Wed 31-Jan-18 20:25:43

No, I would go through the school. Going to parents never ends well.

That said, you have to rely on the school to deal with it appropriately. We once had the bully's parents come to us months after an incident involving their son which had been dealt with by the school. He had moved onto another victim, so they had been called in to discuss it. The teacher actually named our son as the previous victim. Next thing we know we get an email from the parents demanding to meet us to discuss it. Poor DH had to meet the father for coffee. It was water under the bridge by that point and no hard feelings, so it was pretty pointless.

GreenTulips Wed 31-Jan-18 20:28:33

Poor DH had to meet the father for coffee
No he could've said no

123namechanged Wed 31-Jan-18 20:31:11

My DS will be 6 in a couple of days and I would be shocked if this behaviour was happening and the teachers wouldn't get involved.

Try the teacher, then the head. But if you're comfortable enough to speak to the parents, then do.

Obviously some parents won't want to hear it, but if you're careful with how you worded it then I don't see why there would be a problem.

Alexindisguise Wed 31-Jan-18 20:39:12

Go through school and ask for a meeting with the head. They have to follow their anti bullying procedures.

It's awful and I'm so sorry your ds is going through this, it's heart breaking.

My ds was being bullied a few months ago, it was terrible to see how much it was affecting him. Unfortunately I made the wrong decision and approached the parents as we were friends, it didn't end well at all. I wouldn't advise anyone try this.

partydownseason2 Wed 31-Jan-18 20:40:58

Is the class teacher not there? It is possible that the information isn’t being passsd on from one supply teacher to another. Try and speak to a permanent member of staff.

Please don’t speak to the parents. Some people might prefer to know but if it goes wrong it will go very wrong. The school might tell the child’s parents which will be fine as it will be a very different dynamic from another parent addressing it.

Good luck, I hope the school get this sorted.

MyNameIsNotSarah Wed 31-Jan-18 21:22:03

Always go through the school, if you are not receiving feedback ask why. Keep a diary of events and pass this on.

IamAporcupine Wed 31-Jan-18 22:00:19

Is the class teacher not there? It is possible that the information isn’t being passed on from one supply teacher to another.

No, the class teacher is on sick leave. I talked to the new supply teacher last week and she was aware of the situation as the previous supply teacher had mentioned it. She said she is keeping them apart during class, but all this happens during play time. I really do not know who is with them then, my guess is that TAs?

if you are not receiving feedback ask why. Keep a diary of events and pass this on.

I will start a diary of events, thanks
When should I receive feedback? I talked to the teacher last Thursday, but things didn't improve, quite the opposite

IamAporcupine Wed 31-Jan-18 22:13:45

It's awful and I'm so sorry your ds is going through this, it's heart breaking.

It is. And I realise I am finding it particularly difficult.

DS struggled to make close friends. He was very happy last year when this other boy became closer to him; he would tell him not to care about the mean boy and was really sweet and kind of protective.

Yesterday DS told us that his good friend decided to be 'on the other team' now. It broke my heart.

IamAporcupine Thu 01-Feb-18 12:14:44

Was talking to a friend of mine just now, she seems to think this is just a stage. Children asserting themselves.

Is that the case?
I know I find it particularly difficult, so I find hard to know if I am over-concerned and should just let the children sort it out themselves?

GreenTulips Thu 01-Feb-18 12:39:51

Your friend is wrong

Some kids are mean
Some kids are kind

Some kids need pulling up on their shitty behaviour

Yes they are young - yes they are learning - but bully boy here is learning power gives him a kick and he loves it -

Don't let your son be miserable for one more day and speak up !!

IamAporcupine Thu 01-Feb-18 12:55:09

Thanks GreenTulips

I am going in today again to talk to the supply teacher, if things do not change I will ask to see the HT.

I am slightly worried I might break in tears at the meeting!

You mentioned seeing the school's bullying policy - are these different from school to school.

GreenTulips Thu 01-Feb-18 16:24:11

The anti bullying policy is rubbish to be honest - it states 'we don't tolerate bullying' bullying is defined by....'

But rarely shows consequences! Ie ignore you are found to be doing x y z behaviour and won't stop they A B and C will happen.

Most behaviour policies don't refer to bullying -

But get a copy of the complaints procedure - this gives you a parent guide to expected levels of what the school will do

Example outs says - in respect of bullying the bully child's parents will be called into a meeting and will agree an expected level of behavior

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