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(6 Posts)
lottysmum Sun 05-Mar-17 09:24:24

I am not sure how to handle a situation so would appreciate some advice. Quite long ....

My DD is at an independent school, we moved her there a few years ago because she was getting bullied. During the last 2 years since she moved schools she has come on leaps and bounds ...I wouldnt say she has a very strong friendship (the school catchment is a massive area) base but she tends to be liked by a wide range of girls at the school and has a couple of close friends at the school.

She has recently become friendly with one of the girls (A) who is associated with quite a large friendship group who my daughter doesnt particularly engage well with (she was friends with a few of the group when she first started at the school but realised they had nothing in common and gradually engaged with other girls who she had more in common with).

(A) asked my daughter if she would like to go to the cinema on Saturday (the request was made on Friday), (A) stated that she suffers sometimes of anxiety attacks and would feel better if DD could go to the cinema with her and one of the other girls from school - she said she found DD quite calming. DD said she would speak to me and I said YES, arrangements seem to change from going to the cinema to going into town on the Friday evening - which wasnt a problem. There were 3 of them going into town and they were due to meet at 10am.

Saturday morning - very early snapchat to say (A) had a problem because her dad had booked a double piano lesson so could not make 10am but did my DD want to go to cinema at 11.40 (which was the original plan), my DD said yes OK and what time and where to meet.... A then did not reply to any snapchats (or even open the snapchats) or answer a call my DD made ...so I advised DD to just send a further text stating have not heard from you and assume you are not going to cinema therefore decided to go shopping this was just after 11.40 when the film was due to start.

DD then gets a snapchat about 1hr later stating that (A) is at the cinema with the whole friendship group which she is associated with (4/5 girls), they were watching the 11.40 film.

DD quite upset (I am too because obviously I had changed my plans to take DD to meet A) it looks like these arrangements with the friendship group had been in place all along (or made late Friday evening) and I am not sure what happened - whether A had not told the group my DD was going along until that morning and they didnt want her to come so they told A to not pick up Snapchats or answer the call.....or whether arrangements had been made the previous evening after DD had left (A) at school - my DD plays netball on Friday nights so doesnt engage in social media that night....it just didnt make sense - why invite DD if you already have plans (DD did not know about the other girls going) ....either way I'm not happy with (A)'s behaviour towards my DD she could have just cancelled in the morning instead of messing DD around and making my DD look silly to (A's) friendship group - especially when DD was effectively going to provide support for (A)...

I'm trying to give advice to DD but I dont know how she should handle this issue tomorrow - my initial thoughts are for DD to say hope you enjoyed the film, sorry communication failed but not sure why you invited me because you already had arrangements.....and then to cool the friendship (girl (A) tends to get involved in allot of the Yr 10 drama between all the girls - I wouldnt say she's popular but has been at the school since she was 7 !)

I just really feel for DD because she was happy that she had been invited out by girl (A).

JonesyAndTheSalad Mon 06-Mar-17 05:41:27

How old is DD?

This seems like it could be that the girl just expected DD to turn up for the movie. Then again, it could be meanness going on.

I think that you sound slightly over-invested to be honest. While this isn't nice, it's extremely common at this age...I assume DD is between 13 and 16.

And she really needs to sort it out. I would advise her not to mention it at all. To play it cool and to try to hang out with someone else.

If the girl has a problem with DD she will make it clear herself by avoiding her.

DD needs to gather her resiliance and move on....and find girls who don't play games.

lottysmum Mon 06-Mar-17 07:47:24

Thanks for reply ...she's 14....I dont think she expected DD to just turn up because they had not sorted out where to meet...and DD had asked about time and meeting place ...

I do agree with some of your comments just was so annoyed because all my plans were messed up for Saturday AM and I dont like spiteful behaviour.

Dd has been bullied badly in the past so I'm keen for her to talk to me about any situation and help where I can ..

fairy68 Mon 06-Mar-17 08:03:55

This is totally bullying. The exact same thing happened to my friends daughter. It caused her ill health - she complained to the school but they did nothing. In fact the worst of the bullies were then made head and deputy head of the school. A school in the north by any chance? Known for bullying? I only have boys and I think they are different but my advice would be a totally different group of friends - she must move herself away from this group straight away.

lottysmum Mon 06-Mar-17 09:12:30

Thanks fairy68, I did say to DD to cool friendship with the girl (A) now. DD doesnt really mix with the larger friendship group because she has little in common with them - I dont think they are keen on DD but that's fine.

My guess is that its probably bullying at two levels ...with (A) being told to ditch my DD by the larger friendship group. I do know some of the girls in this group and they come over as immature and in terms of the whole year group they are not very popular. I get the impression (A) is probably not that comfortable within the group but her actions mean that my DD will cool the friendship ....

Personally I think the school would frown upon the girls behaviour - its a very good school but my daughter's looking to become the form head next year and stands a very good chance of being offered the position so I'm not rocking the boat at this point - but I will if anything else happens.

Astro55 Mon 06-Mar-17 19:50:49

It's quite common for girls to 'do the wrong thing'

A invited DD but maybe then others found out and A didn't know how to tell DD she was now unwelcome - because A still wanted to go and didn't want to upset the larger group

So instead of being upfront - she ignored and hoped the problem went away

Maybe A does want to escape the group but isn't brave enough - maybe she doesn't want to risk the group friendship as she's unsure of DD

It happens - just encourage her to be friendly - that's all you can do

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