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The school just rewarded the bully

(46 Posts)
kingpin20 Tue 14-Feb-17 13:54:30

I'll try to keep it as short as I can. Just after advice as to what you would do in this situation.
This is real by the way as you'll probably think I'm making this up when you read it.

So DS1 (age 10) was bullied all through year 5 by this kid and the school did fairly little about it. I intervened a few times and eventually it seemed to stop. A couple weeks ago however it started up again, lets call this bully AholeKid for the purpose of this story.

So AholeKid had recently asked DS's older sister out (shes 14!!) can't blame him for trying. So at school the next day DS was ribbing AholeKid about this. Lets face it, he set himself up a bit there. But I don't condone any teasing of any kind just so we're clear.

So AholeKid gets angry at DS and starts punching him. He shoved his head into a wall and hit him a few times until DS was able to get him off and DS ran off. AholeKid gave chase, caught him and starts beating on him again. DS shoved him off, a teacher came over and AholeKid ran off.

So, obviously teacher was asking what happened, gathered various child witnesses and they established that DS was teasing AholeKid and AholeKid got mad and started punching.

Following so far?

So DS had a trip to the headteacher where he was given a 'yellow card' (yellow cards can add up to red cards if given too many and mean there is a punishment of some kind) He was given it for the teasing.

But.... AholeKid got nothing. No card, no punishment, nothing. So DS got punished, missed his football game and AholeKid was out there playing and having fun and goading DS about not getting punished for beating him up.

I thought, there must be more to it than this so I went to the school the next day to find out their version. And OMG it matched my son's version exactly.

The reason they gave for only punishing DS was because (these are the teachers exact words, I recorded the convo on my phone)
AholeKid has anger management issues and DS knows this so he should not have made him angry. It was DS's fault he got beat up and he was lucky he was not left in a bloody mess on the floor as he knows what AholeKid is like!!!

Oh theres more...............

AholeKid was rewarded I kid you not - the word used was rewarded because he 'removed himself from the situation when he did, before causing DS too much damage and they wanted to reiterate to him that that was the right thing to do'

I still can't understand how I didn't knock the teachers head off. I felt like screaming are you fucking kidding me??? Not slamming my kids head into a wall in the first place is the right thing to do!

I'm still fuming.

So the fact that DS removed himself first and AholeKid gave chase apparantly stands for nothing.

I assured the teacher their method of 'reward' isn't bloody working and whats more it undermines everything we stand for as parents. We teach our kids not to hit and yet school is telling him its OK if you don't hit too much.

My DS often has said that the naughty kids at school get picked to join in loads more stuff and that he should start being naughty. I mentioned this to the lovely head teacher and she said (again I have it recorded on my phone)
' We do have to offer greater rewards to these types of children to encourage them to be good'
OMFG. I offered DS the chance to not go back to that school but he has friends there and wants to see out the rest of year 6. I have already put in an application for DS2 to move schools.

I just can't believe it. Yeah DS should not have teased, but surely hitting was much much worse. When little AholeKid has a girlfriend in a few years and she gets a bit mouthy off at him, is it ok for him to hit her then?? If he doesn't do it too much? Afterall she must know what he's like and effectively is asking for it.

What would you do? I feel so sad for my DS having had to put up with this crap for the last 2 years.

Tracey300884 Tue 14-Feb-17 18:14:13

I actually cannot believe what I have just read! When all the comments start piling in from people on here, please screenshot and email to the school!!

My only child is only 2yrs old so I'm not there yet but I can tell you I would have gone off my head and actually called Social Services as that School are effectively putting all the other kids in the school at risk and in danger by re-enforcing AholeKid's violent behaviour!! And that is exactly what they are doing - reinforcing it!!

helensburgh Tue 14-Feb-17 18:17:44

This is awful. I would try and take it further I'm. In Scotland so I'm. Not sure how you can..
Just awful

walkingtheplank Tue 14-Feb-17 18:20:12

You need to make a formal complaint to Governors etc.

MaisyPops Tue 14-Feb-17 18:21:49

Thats making me pissed off!
Sadly AHoleKids parents probably spend a lot of time making sure their special little bully feels untouchable.
I'm a teacher and was hit by a child like AHole (but secondary) and when the school pulled the parents in they looked at their doting little angel and said "but if the teacher understood his issues she wouldnt have asked him to sit down and work because that makes him angry" me and school were speechless.

Sadly, your school seems to roll over to brats like that.
I'd be right on the phone to the head and putting in a formal complaint. AholeKid is only going to get worse.

LovingLola Tue 14-Feb-17 18:23:11

I would also contact the police and make a complaint of assault.
How old is AHoleKid? Presumably closer to your 14 year old dd's age than your 10 year old ds?

Oliversmumsarmy Tue 14-Feb-17 18:25:55

Unfortunately it doesn't surprise me.

Ds walking out of school was tackled by 2 boys. They had him on the ground and one was straddling him punching him in the head whilst the other was kicking him. They were pulled off by a couple of parents. I arrived a few minutes later.

The HT was told immediately and the boys pointed out.
Reply, "oh I cant believe that. Those are nice boys they go to church"

Ds never went back

Chilver Tue 14-Feb-17 18:28:48

Over the age of 10 (age of responsibility?), contact the police for assault?

PGTip Tue 14-Feb-17 18:30:39

Wow just wow. Sorry but I would be going back to the school and involving the governors. I would also tell them that if this isn't dealt with to your satisfaction you will be contacting the police and reporting it as assault

RandomDent Tue 14-Feb-17 18:30:42

Ugh. I used to work with children with behaviour issues and we would never have gone down this route. This actually makes me cross. angry The children I worked with never got away with any poor behaviour. The school's explanations suck and I'm embarrassed for my profession. So sorry to hear about your son's troubles. sad

cingolimama Tue 14-Feb-17 18:35:22

Unbelievable, OP, I'm fuming on your behalf!! The fact that Ahole Kid has so-called "anger management issues" is irrelevant. He assaulted your DC. The school's argument is one that we used to hear about domestic violence against women - "well, she provoked him, didn't she?".

Outrageous on every level. Please take this further.

scaryclown Tue 14-Feb-17 18:35:38

Fuck. My school was like this and the 'hard' kids got all the sympathy from in my opinion weak teachers who were actually appeasing and scared of them. What out of control bully kids need is instant big voiced disapproval and distain and later, the trigger work .but without approval. Gloating rights are awful. I think you have to do similar to the school. poimt out they are rewarding violent behaviour and assault as a resource to be used by problem kids when the find themselves in situations they cant handle..to governors perhaps? . and that this is setting up hard kids to effectively lock themselves into.prison culture, but that this puts kids at risk of assault too.in effect they are saying 'finely tuned violence is ok' which is a very nasty message.

In my school the pandering to hard kids dropped the performance of good kids as 'effort' was rewarded so attainment wasnt which is the further risk.

Its the chasing and secomd assault that is the most dangerous to reinforce. Have you considered police?

Buzzardbird Tue 14-Feb-17 18:37:42

I definitely would not leave it there.

TheTantrumCometh Tue 14-Feb-17 18:40:01

I would absolutely take this further. That's totally unacceptable

missyB1 Tue 14-Feb-17 18:41:18

A. contact the police
B get your child out of that school ASAP, it sounds shockingly bad!

littleducks Tue 14-Feb-17 18:41:20

Go to the police about the assault.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Tue 14-Feb-17 18:43:23

I agree police.

The school have failed to deal with the assault, but are not denying it took place.

Maybe the prospect of a criminal record will get him to stop bullying DS and your useless school to admit their policy of rewarding bad behaviour doesn't work.

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 14-Feb-17 18:43:29

Police and governors!!

I am an ex-governor. I would be appalled if this was happening on my watch so to speak!

JennyOnAPlate Tue 14-Feb-17 18:46:42

Find out what the schools complaints procedure is (the school office will be able to give it to you) and then follow the procedure.

SequinsOnEverything Tue 14-Feb-17 18:50:24

Police and governors!!

Yes! You need to take this further. The school are spectacularly failing both boys. Your poor son should not have to put up with this.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss Tue 14-Feb-17 18:51:02

If he's 10 or over he's criminally responsible.

Go to the police. Inform them if the incident and the schools ineffectiveness. They may or may not do something. Either way the boys behaviour is logged.

Give the school the incident number. Write to the governors and explain that your child was assaulted and managed to escape but has been punished by the head and the bully has been rewarded. As a result you've had to go through police channels

Then when you leave, explain to the school and LEA that you are leaving due to an assault in your son that was badly handled

seekerseeker Tue 14-Feb-17 18:53:27

I'm sorry to say this happens in my DCs school far to often I've complained and now am the annoying mum that moans at the teacher every morning! My DS has been bullied by the same child for 3 years straight each time I've recorded the incident as soon as I'm told by my son and not the school. The school never seem to tell the bully off in fact reward him on special days out, gets to pick a treat from the teachers draw every Friday, constant stickers if has been good. Gets head teachers award name is always in the newsletter under some praise for something but yet is a horrid child that hurts and bullies so many children including my DS. This boys parents are no better had one scream abuse at me in the playground because I wouldn't let my DS give his DS his new toy (was show and tell Day) the boy got angry and broke the toy on purpose. No apology whatsoever. The school has had three head teachers and no matter how many bruises, bite marks, cuts or bumps my son comes home with they do not care. I'm in the process off arranging for him to be moved isn't straight forward apparently but anything has to be better then facing that daily. It's sad to see that all the kids that just get on with school and do the right thing are never praised for doing so or rewarded it's always the ones that do the complete opposite.

VioletRoar Tue 14-Feb-17 18:56:41

I wish I didn't find this believable, but I believe every word. Have experienced almost identical. Are you able to move your son for his safety? Until then ask the school how they intend to stop your son from being physically assaulted, unless they need you to call the police.

CherrySkull Tue 14-Feb-17 19:00:32

omfg.

my ds is 10, he has autism and he gets violent if he has a meltdown. There is a boy in his class who thinks its funny to shout "BANG" in DS's ear.

Last time it happened, DS had a meltdown and punched him.

The school dealt with it appropriately.

The boy was told he knows DS is violent if pushed, he ought to know better.

BUT

He was punished for provoking DS in the first place.

ALSO

Ds was put in isolation for the day for hurting him, and has had to go through some special 'social stories' for how to deal with his emotions in these situations and about removing himself before he has a meltdown or telling the teachers...etc.

At no point have they ever rewarded him for violence on another pupil, even in meltdown.

Janet80 Tue 14-Feb-17 19:03:28

My daughter goes to a catholic school, when she got bullied the head teacher said "we don't punish children or hold grudges, we repent every evening and start the next day afresh"
No lie, I was like shockshock some people should not be in charge of children!

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