DD being bullied by new "friend" who is driving wedge to others

[Thisdoesnotgeteasier]

DD is a very sweet natured, popular and pretty girl in year 6. She has generally had a good relationship with the other kids in her class over the past six years (bar one instance of being bullied in year 3 by a girl with behavioural issues who has since left the school).

Last year a new girl ("XYZ") joined the class. She had been badly bullied at her old school and her parents moved her. She seemed like a lovely kid and DD and her hit it off pretty quickly and became good friends.

However, in the past few months, dynamics have changed significantly. XYZ has started low grade bullying of DD that seems to be getting worse. She is telling DD that she is fat and ugly and calling her "brace face" (DD recently got braces). DD is not fat (she is slim and athletic) and objectively she is very pretty - everyone tells us so and we tell her as well. DD is also one of the first girls in the class to start hitting puberty and the other girl is making fun of her breasts.

The sad thing is that DD's old best friends are now friends with XYZ and, while not saying anything mean to DD, are standing there when things are being said. I also get the impression that they are taking about DD negatively behind her back - she certainly thinks they are.

It is also a bit complicated by DD having a crush on a boy in the class (a bit young for all that, I know, but it all appears very innocent) and XYZ has moved in to claim as her "boyfriend". DD keeps a daily dairy where she records all this (we have read it without telling her obvious) and it is so sad to see how she is feeling about herself ("fat, ugly") and the pain she is feeling about being picked on. She has also confided a little in my DP without giving all the details.

We are not sure what to do. We don't know the XYZ mum very well but she strikes me as the type of person that would be appalled by her daughter's behaviour, given how she was bullied herself. We are worried that if we mention it to her, she will address it with her daughter and that will spark even more negative behaviour towards our DD. Our DD has also sworn my DP to secrecy and we don't want to blow that trust - especially as we want her to be able to turn to us in teenage years when problems will potentially be more difficult.

Any thoughts on how we should handle this? Thanks

[Pandamanda3]

Morning op
It would seem xyz has picked up the wrong end of the stick from her experience, she certainly needs to be checked so that she clearly understands that's not acceptable and having been bullied herself is no reason to bully your daughter.
Have you mentioned it to your dDs teacher?
Id say I would make that your first step, the teacher will be aware to keep an eye out and maybe if its seen by the teacher then she/he can nip it in the bud first hand and they often have good ways of dealing with this type of thing. The school maybe able to put some education support in place to teach the girl it's not acceptable before it gets out of hand.
But id also encourage your daughter to stand up for herself were possible answer back to some of her comments etc so she knows your daughter isn't going to accept being picked at.

My ds had horrific bullying so I understand how you feel, have you spoke to school?

[Thisdoesnotgeteasier]

Thanks. We should probably talk to the teacher who really likes DD. The conversation my DP had with DD (and subsequent diary reading) only happened last night so we are still processing things.

We had a sense towards the end of last term that friendships were not what they had been but without the details. Christmas was a break from school and then DD was focused on exams up until recently.

[Brighteyes27]

I feel for you no advice other than try and nip it in the bud. I am in the same boat with my DD in year 7. She has also been the victim of low grade bullying in year 6 and 7. By another child in her class. This girl didn't name call so much she is much more sneaky than to be seen to stoop to those levels. More like subtle excluding and turning long time friends against one another etc. She creates situations whereby kids feel sorry for her. They want to protect her, be friends with her and are flattered she has chosen them to confide in and be friends with and are ready to believe the worst of their best friends in no time. My DD is really tall and she is tiny no one would believe it. She's pretty and confident and looks like butter wouldn't melt but she's very devious and manipulative. She has broken up or tried to break up more friendships in year 5, 6, 7 than you could believe.

[langdale2016]

Brighteyes - our daughter is having the same type of experience in year 7 and now in year 8. We are at our wits end. We have had the school involved but it hasn't happened and they have tended to side with the bully (butter doesn't melt in her mouth and she has a celebrity parent). This particular bully has now taken over her old friends (who are also bullying her!). We are looking to move school....

[FriendofBill]

Read the school policies of bullying.
Also on sexual harassment, because making fun of her breasts is sexual harassment & I would be calling it such and using that to get leverage.

Totally unacceptable.

[user1486737884]

Brighteyes and Langdale, we are having similar problems, my dd is in year 10.
Currently waiting to hear from the school.
My dd is ill from the stress.

[BrieAndChilli]

DD is in year 4. She's a friendly girl and gets on with everyone and anyone.
Last year a girl joined the school and something happened which has coloured my view of her (she was very nasty to a reception boy - DS2s good friend so I knew all about it)
Anyway DD got quite close to her this year. Just after xmas this girl A fell out with DDs best friend B.
DD came to me saying she was fed up with A and B both moaning to her about the other and I gave her the advice to tell them she was friends with everyone and wasn't going to take sides.
Unfortunately this escalated to the point that if DD dared to play with anyone other than A she would get dirty looks and nasty things said and A was going round telling the other girls not to play with her etc.
We spoke to the teacher and she spoke to all the girls in the class about friendships and then spoke to A and DD separately, A admitted she had been nasty.
All seems ok now and but I won't be encouraging the friendship