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Boy with ASD is bullying my DD

(52 Posts)
ThanksForAllTheFish Wed 02-Nov-16 16:48:59

I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

DD is in P3 (year 2 equivelant). This year the classes have been shifted around and this boy is in her class for the first time. DD is one of the smallest in her year and this boy is almost twice her height and about 3 times her weight. She has been telling me about incidents with this boy for the past couple of months and from observing at drop off and pick up times (as well as birthday parties) I can see myself that his behaviour is a bit boisterous.

There have been too many incidents to list them all so I will just list a few recent ones.

Last week DD said he walked up to her at lunch, looked her straight in the face and tipped up her lunch tray so it fell on the floor / spilled over her (she had just collected lunch and was walking to a table). When the lunch monitors asked what happend DD told them but he said it was an accident so nothing was done.

A couple of weeks back I noticed DD had a large bruise on her chest and 2 smaller finger shaped bruises on her arm. When I asked her what happened she said at playtime this boy grabbed her arm and spun her round then punched her in the chest. He did get in trouble for that but the school didn't inform me of the incident.

On Monday DD went to school with her brand new shoes and by collection time they were all scraped on the front of one toe. Now DD is generally not one to wreck shoes so I asked her if she had fell (I was worried the shoes might have been too big and causing her to trip etc) but she said that this boy had slammed her against the wall and her shoes had scraped, she said her knee was also sore and grazed from it (it's also bruised) Again she told the playground monitor what had happened and this boy said he was just play fighting and it was an accident so nothing was done.

Now I do understand this boy has ASD so he doesn't understand the same way other children do. I know the school are working with him and his behaviour (he gets a well done sticker on the days he doesn't hit anyone). I have spoken to the teacher about it and she has moved DD to another table so they no longer sit together. I also understand he is like this with several of the other children and not just my DD and since starting this year 2 parents have moved their children to another school as this boy was terrorising them. I have spoken to these parents recently at a birthday party so I know for a fact they moved school because if this boys behaviour and the lack of action taken by the school.

What do I do now? This is knocking DD's confidence, she often doesn't want to go to school. I've started to keep a log of the incidents myself but not sure what, if anything we can do. I've told DD to avoid him but she said he seeks her out and follows her around so she sometimes will just spend playtime in the girls toilets rather than the playground as he isn't allowed in there. I should mention we are in Scotland as that might make a difference as to what procedures I can follow.

youarenotkiddingme Wed 02-Nov-16 16:52:21

You speak to the teacher about what's happening to your DD and ask what they are going to do about it - but discuss your DD only.

Back up any discussions with email for a paper trail.

You can't discuss the boy or what they a re doing for him.

Iamthecatsmother Wed 02-Nov-16 17:03:59

Your poor DD.

I have a DS with ASD (he's not aggressive) so i do understand the challenges but this isn't fair on your DD. I'd speak to the Head and after that the Governing Body. Your DD deserves,to be safe at school.

JennyOnAPlate Wed 02-Nov-16 17:07:20

I think you need to have a meeting with the head at this point. Talk him/her through each incident and ask what they intend to do about this failure to safeguard your child.

ThanksForAllTheFish Thu 03-Nov-16 12:47:01

Yes I can see I do need to arrange a meeting to discuss this. I have just been a little reluctant to do so before now as I know the boy has his own issues but clearly the school needs to do more / get more support in place. I think I've been delaying as I don't want to put another 'black mark' against the boys name. I can only imagine how his parents must feel getting told he's been hitting yet another child etc.

If it were in normal circumstance I would have been to see them sooner. On a plus note she didn't have any problems with him yesterday and she said he was well behaved in class so that's something. I think I do need to get something on record though so I will still arrange a meeting.

BishopBrennansArse Thu 03-Nov-16 12:48:46

You need to ask the school to better meet the needs of this boy to stop his behaviours causing problems for your DD.

Whatever systems they have in place obviously aren't working.

BishopBrennansArse Thu 03-Nov-16 12:49:42

Oh, and don't delay.
It's not his parents' fault the school are failing to meet his needs.

Ginmummy1 Thu 03-Nov-16 13:08:10

Make sure you follow up the meeting with a written summary, preferably in an email so there is a reliable audit trail.

Summarise future issues by email. Every single noteworthy one. Follow up every meeting with written evidence. Write down agreed actions, and follow them up.

If you hear of anyone else in the playground mentioning issues with this boy, encourage them to record them in writing/email rather than just verbally.

Hopefully the parents of those children that have left the school because of this boy have also put their concerns in writing.

I understand from other similar posts on MN that a large number of written complaints will have a much greater effect than lots of verbal chats with teachers / head of year / headteacher that may not get formally recorded.

The school may be looking for a way to change their provision for the boy, and the more evidence they receive, the easier it will be for them.

Obviously I hope they are able to improve their provision for him and the situation improves for your daughter.

monkeywithacowface Thu 03-Nov-16 13:13:19

I agree with putting this in writing and challenging the school to find a solution to this. It looks from your posts that many of these incidents are happening during play time or during unsupervised periods. Now the school are not obliged to tell you what support this boys gets but clearly they are not adequately supervising him during play times and this needs to change for everyone's sake.

They have a duty of care to keep everyone safe and they are failing by leaving this child to cope in the playground when clearly he can't do that yet.

allwornout0 Thu 03-Nov-16 13:15:59

Speaking as a parent of a child with Autism, I would say this child is just a bully, nothing to do with having ASD.
I would put your dd first and complain, complain, complain. She goes to school to learn, be safe and be happy, not to be afraid.

monkeywithacowface Thu 03-Nov-16 13:20:34

IF you are a parent of a child with autism you will know that all children with ASD present differently and you cannot possibly say based on your individual experience that this child's behaviour has nothing to do with his ASD. That would be silly a silly thing to say if you are a parent of a child with autism wink

happymumof4crazykids Thu 03-Nov-16 14:05:56

Message deleted by MNHQ as we believe it is disablist. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BishopBrennansArse Thu 03-Nov-16 16:55:18

I've reported the disablism on this thread i.e. A diagnosis being an 'excuse'.

Whatever a child's diagnosis it shouldn't impact on any of the other children because the adults in the situation should be preventing it from happening.

BishopBrennansArse Thu 03-Nov-16 16:56:40

Oh and happy the staff in your scenario sound completely incompetent perhaps you should have pulled them up on that.

abbsismyhero Thu 03-Nov-16 17:02:13

Its the schools that use it as an excuse my daughter was bullied at school they refused to deal with it because she had poor home conditions as soon as my daughter retaliated they were on the phone to me

If the school had dealt with the incidents appropriately she would never have found it necessary to react

MaddyHatter Thu 03-Nov-16 17:10:29

as another parent of a child with ASD who is known to be aggressive.

It could be that this boy is being rough with her in play.. however that being said when my DS was doing it with a friend who was barely half his size i did tell him repeatedly that he shouldn't be playing those kind of games with her because he would hurt her.

I did also tell the school to please keep an eye on them and that i had no issue if they made sure they weren't allowed to play with each other on the playground (ie only in class under supervision)

His diagnosis is in no was an 'excuse' for his behaviour, the school should be monitoring and managing him to make sure he isn't hurting other children while playing with them.

Please do speak to her teacher, speak to the school. Make a polite noise about safeguarding, because if this is 'accidental' and simply him having no boundaries or idea of his own strength then it can't be ignored any more than direct bullying... it needs handling appropriately and sympathetically.

Just because he has Autism its not an excuse for the school to ignore rough play if its making your DD feel intimidated.

OurBlanche Thu 03-Nov-16 17:11:43

Disablism? Already?

1 poster, parent with a child with autism, makes a comment that is pleasantly refuted by A N Other poster... all is good. We learn something.

Why report and make a fuss?

Posters with no experience of kids with autism, or any other SN, will ever learn the realities and complexities of living with them, teaching them, supporting them, if all posts are reported, presumably deleted and,more importantly, people stop discussing such issues for fear of such immediate and uninformative snarky retorts!

Lunar1 Thu 03-Nov-16 17:12:45

From you perspective it doesn't make a difference why he is behaving the way he is. The school have a duty to protect your child and they are no looking after her. I'd want to know how they plan to keep her safe and happy.

MaddyHatter Thu 03-Nov-16 17:13:51

blanche, i think bishop meant Happys post.

OurBlanche Thu 03-Nov-16 17:17:49

I read Happy's post as being very much the same as Brennan's observation... the school used such excuses, Happy did not think that was acceptable... which is exactly what Brennan said - the schools should deal with it such behaviour better!

Is it just the word 'excuse'?

DixieNormas Thu 03-Nov-16 17:21:26

I think happy post comes across as dismissive of any sort of dx they deem a behaviour problem

monkeywithacowface Thu 03-Nov-16 17:24:34

Discrimination and disabilist exists within the special needs community too sadly. Saying "I have a child with ASD"and then going on to make a disabilist comment doesn't make it less disabilist or acceptable. Just like people who say things like "I'm not racist because my best mates black" and then going on to say something racist about Asians

MaddyHatter Thu 03-Nov-16 17:28:34

i always say his diagnosis isn't an excuse its an explanation. Its WHY he behaves like this, it doesn't give him a free pass to be left to get on with doing it.

The school, and myself and any other adult in charge of him at any given moment, have a duty to him and other people to try and either re-direct or prevent other people from being hurt as a result of his behaviours.

babyapril Thu 03-Nov-16 17:29:54

I think the main problem is that mainstream schools ( for the most part) have no idea how to help children with ASD. The teachers have their agenda & unfortunately don't have the time to understand how children will present in the classroom.
Mainstream staff members would really benefit from spending time in a specialist school environment. They would learn so much more than they realise.
Parents ( rightfully so) are given the choice of where they'd like their child to attend. It would help if the school of their choice knew how to help. I'm sorry for your DD - it sounds like a very difficult mess for all involved. Does the little boy have a 1:1 / someone to help watch him?

OurBlanche Thu 03-Nov-16 17:51:57

And I think Happy's post come as across as frustrated with a school environment that does no justice to any of its pupils, dx or not!

She is allowed to be frustrated that her DC are being hurt, clothing damaged etc yet the school have not put in place adequate support and safeguarding for all pupils isn't she?

If you think not then surely you are committing the same disablism Bishop was decrying... allowing a dx to be used as an excuse!

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