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Victim now the bully !!

(22 Posts)
Ruby345 Fri 04-Dec-15 19:18:09

DD is now 12 in Yr8 and she's always been easy to handle. When she was 7 a group of girls went out of their way to Bully her, one of the reasons being that her younger brother is deaf and so attended a special school. DH and I tried everything to try and help but the girls were relentless and the school useless, after a year we ended up sending DD to a different school and thankfully things worked out wonderfully.

DD blossomed over the years, made a bunch of new friends and really came out of her shell.

Last year she started secondary and I found out that those very same bullies would also be attending, I did then consider trying to get DD into a different secondary school but she adamantly refused as all her friends were also attending.

I made the school aware of DD's history with the girls and prayed that nothing would happen. Much to my surprise nothing did happen until Easter.

When one of the mums of one of the girls gave me a ring, she still had my number from when I called her all those years ago, trying to explain that her DD was bullying mine only to be told that she couldn't believe it as her DD would never do such a thing

Ironically enough, she was calling to tell me that my DD had spread rumours about her DD and now she was in floods of tears and didn't want to go to school anymore, it felt wonderful to tell her, that I couldn't believe it as DD would never do such a thing.

Spiteful and Petty, I know but I couldn't help myself. When DD came home, I did ask her and she said that the girl had told her she liked so and so and DD had never promised to keep it a secret, so she told everyone.

I made her promise not to do it again and thought that was the end of it.

But DD came home today, ecstatic with a friend of hers, when I asked why they were so happy, they said that they'd tricked a girl, who was the ring leader of DD's bullies into walking into the boys changing rooms as they were all getting changed for PE by telling her a bunch of lies and then when the girl tried to explain to a teacher why she walked in there, DD and her friend lied and called her a Perv, now apparently the whole school is laughing at the girl.

I sat DD down after her friend had left and had a frank chat. She said that she's gone after each of her bullies and each incident sounded horrid (they left one girl in Thorpe Park by lying about the time the shuttle bus was leaving and then took her phone so she couldn't contact anyone, the girl missed the last bus and apparently burst into tears until one of the workers showed up to help her) DD thought this was hilarious.

When I tried to remind her how badly she had felt when she was being bullied, she shrugged and called it Karma.

She's promised that she's finished now, her actual words, because she's gotten them all back now.

I have no idea what to do, I've punished her by taking away her tech privileges, but she can't see that's she done anything wrong and I'm worried it's not over and that she's just going to continue and an eye for an eye isn't a mindset that I want her to have.

I have no idea what to do next!

Badders123 Fri 04-Dec-15 19:30:27

That Thorpe park stunt is really awful. That could have ended so badly!
I don't know what to suggest other than make it right with the need to take your dd into school and get her to admit what she has done to these girls.
I know girls can be spiteful, but what your dd has done is pre meditated and cruel.

lljkk Fri 04-Dec-15 19:30:50

That's a definite "stay out of it" from me. You've said your piece, let it go.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floggingmolly Fri 04-Dec-15 19:41:38

That kind of malicious aforethought (for want of a less wanky phrase) is quite chilling, actually. She's been brooding on this for 5 years?
The Thorpe Park thing, though... How did they "lie" about the time the bus was leaving? Surely everyone knew what time it left? And they "took" her phone? How?
Are you sure she isn't just fantasising??

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Fri 04-Dec-15 19:43:21

Not sure on this. She obviously iant over being bullied, and now feels powerful and in charge. Teens girls can get full of themselves, and she needs to reign it in. However, she is treating them how they treated her.
I would leave it for now. You know, you talked, give her the chance to stop it.
I wouldnt make her admit things to school, as that gives those girls the power back.

APlaceOnTheCouch Fri 04-Dec-15 19:45:41

But this doesn't really make sense - surely the girl left at Thorpe Park would have told the school that your DD told her the wrong time and took her phone?! confused Or did your DD steal the phone without Thorpe Park girl knowing? Does she still have the phone?

You have to have a bigger talk about this so you are clear on the facts. Then you need to tell the school. They need to know about this so they can keep an eye on the dynamic between all the girls. Your DD thinking she has evened the score does not mean that the other girls won't then decide they want 'revenge' for want of a better word.

fwiw you were petty and spiteful to the other mum. You mirrored exactly the same behaviour as your DD instead of being the better person

Badders123 Fri 04-Dec-15 19:47:01

Chilling is the word I first thought of.
I was bullied at school. Quite badly.
I would NEVER have done those things.

Ruby345 Fri 04-Dec-15 21:22:21

More info on Thorpe Park, since everyone's asking questions - one of the girls kept everyone's return receipts and they all told the girl the shuttle was leaving half an hour later than it actually was. Then they all charged their phones in one of those lockers, which DD kept the key to, they told the girl they were going to the toilet and asked her to get some drinks, got all the phones, except the girls out of the locker and left with the key. So technically didn't steal the phone but made it so that the girl couldn't possibly get to it on her own. Staff thankfully had spare key. DD says that the girl did tell the school but it was DD's words and her friends against the girl, they lied and said they told her right time and assumed she had a spare key, which is why they left her phone. School couldn't prove otherwise, didn't give me a ring or let me know in anyway about this. So just dropped it.

@flogginmolleg definetly not fantasising, I called Thorpe Park staff and they verified the story.

@sallyhasleftthebuilding Only reason I'm thinking about not telling the school is I'm worried how it will effect DD with those girls.

@placeonthecouch I know I was being spiteful and petty and it would have been a great time to be the bigger person but I sadly didn't and let old feelings get in the way.

I know she's done terrible things and I want to nip it in the bud before it gets even worse, but I don't know if taking her to the school and confessing is going to help or make things worse.

somepeopledontknowthat Fri 04-Dec-15 21:37:56

Sorry but a 7 year old's culpability and 12 year old's culpability are totally different IMO.

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 04-Dec-15 21:40:18

It will help to go to the school with this as the school will know that your daughter and a group of her friends are ganging up on other children.

You can request that the school treat this in confidence but it will ensure that each incident (should be) is investigated fully.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrandNewAndImproved Fri 04-Dec-15 21:46:32

I wouldn't tell the school what your dds done.

I would however have a word and explain that your dd is still lashing back at these girls and you want it nipped in the bud and to be kept informed on any incidents that may occur.

I don't really think removing tech is a great strategy. I would be trying to find ways of making my dd more compassionate. It sounds like she needs counselling before it gets really out of hand.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenGirl1 Fri 04-Dec-15 21:54:55

Agree with BrandNew - she needs counselling.
Being bullied messes you up. That doesn't excuse what your DD has done, of course, but as someone who was bullied I get it. I might have done the same at 12. It takes a lot of maturity to be the bigger person and have compassion.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helenluvsrob Fri 04-Dec-15 21:59:17

The was victim, is now the bully scenario is surprisingly common. I think in an " I'll get my strike in first " or just not knowing how to be a non victim without lashing out.

However your daughters thought proscess sound scary. Like the plot of a novel- which I kind of hope it is, and this is a troll thread. Worryingly I think you are probably for real.

How is your daughter going to teach herself to find the middle ground and not inflict spiteful " karma" (aka punishments ) on those she perceives sleight her in the future? For instance leap ahead of her on the bus without malice aforetought?

NickiFury Fri 04-Dec-15 22:03:42

That's absolutely hideous behaviour. I'd be very concerned if my child was behaving in such a cold and callous way. In fact I am having trouble believing it. Sounds like a plot for a teenage novel.....

Anyhow, what are you going to do next? You sound rather wishy washy about the whole thing to be honest.

NickiFury Fri 04-Dec-15 22:04:49

Oh I didn't read your post Helen. Glad I am not the only one thinking it all sounds rather far fetched.

exLtEveDallas Fri 04-Dec-15 22:12:02

definitely not fantasising, I called Thorpe Park staff and they verified the story

Do you have any idea how many people work at Thorpe Park? And you managed to not only get hold of the one that dealt with this, but they actually remembered this incident in amongst the 100s of others that they would have dealt with?

It's a duck, people.

AcademiaNut Sun 08-May-16 09:02:30

I would contact each of the mothers to arrange for the girls to meet 1:1. I'd insist my DD use this opportunity to apologise to each girl in turn.
I'd explain to my DD that at 7 years old the girls didn't have the maturity or insight of others' feelings. While the same can be said of children your DD's age, she ought to have the sense and skills to be able to express her deep seated resentment towards them without resorting to bullying. Karma sometimes takes the form of an apology. It doesn't need to take the form of revenge.

Tamarandave Sun 15-May-16 18:54:15

I am one of the most anti-bullying people out there, but it seems to me your dd is not a natural bully, but is now confident and popular and getting revenge in her mind against the 7 bullies from the last school.

She has a valid point in her own mind, that they deserve it. They are getting justice dealt out. Its also not unhealthy for her to take out her ire on those who victimised her. Far better than she victimises random people. It is perhaps better she gets this out of her system now, than when she is older and some poor work colleague pays the price instead of the bullies themselves.

Also, the very fact that you are not approving and actively discouraging her, demonstrates that she is clear its wrong and wont make a habit of it.
But keep a check on it in any case to make sure it doesn't reoccur.

All that being said, revenge taking it is not a nice trait to have develop in ones child and it would be well to give her chores, jobs and responsibilities of a caring nature to make sure she develops as a giver and a forgiver and not a revenge taker

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