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Year 3 DD being bullied by Year 6 boy.

(36 Posts)
TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Sun 18-Oct-15 20:14:37

angry sad DD was 7 in July and has just gone into Y3. She's a tiny child (slightly premature) quiet, shy, anxious, gentle. She's not been herself the last few weeks and last Wednesday I heard her sobbing in her bed when I went to the toilet at 9:30pm. Muffled sobbing. I went in and got in bed for a cuddle, she was shaking and really sobbing, took me a good hour to coax it out of her.

Year 6 boy has been following her, staring at her, creeping up on her, shoving her, screeching in her face, throwing things at her during break and lunch times. How the fuck the supervising staff haven't noticed is beyond me - its 1 class per year and no more than 30 children per class, with Y3-6 sharing a playground.

ExDP and I immediately went to see the Deputy Head the following morning. He assured us he would have words with this boy, check on DD after each play time and ask staff to keep an eye out. DDs teacher was horrified and said she'd keep a close watch.

It also transpires this boy lives on our street (its more like a square) although I don't allow DD to "play out" so that's neither here nor there. I've never seen this boys parents at school so have no idea who they are/what they are like.

The boy hasn't approached DD since BUT has continued following her and staring at her. DDs friends, bless them, have "guarded" her, but why the fuck should they have to?! DD has been in tears tonight about school tomorrow and ExDP says she's been wonky all weekend (he has them Fri-Sun EOW) so I said after we drop younger DD off that me and her will go talk to the Deputy Head again.

What do I say this time?! To me, bullies follow to wait for an opportune moment to pounce. Or at least, the bitch who bullied me for 5 years liked to do that. Whats the next step? Do I have a right to know if they've laid any punishment down and what they plan to do next? For context I'm 23 weeks pregnant and suffer anxiety/depression, so I'm never quite sure if I'm handling things right. What I'd like to do is Hulk out and kick off, but instead I'll scream into a pillow and be nice but firm with Deputy Head tomorrow.

Any advice would be wonderful.

TheGonnagle Sun 18-Oct-15 20:20:25

Um. Tiger mum time.
I wish I had, instead I pulled dd from the school and said nary a word (mainly because I work in the same LEA, etc etc).
If I could do it again it would be all guns blazing.

(That might not be the best advice, but it's certainly the way I wish I'd handled similar with 20/20 hindsight)

In my experience it's the parents that shout loudest that get heard.

TheGonnagle Sun 18-Oct-15 20:21:31

And please give dd, and yourself, a big hug from me. It's just so soul sapping and crap flowers

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Sun 18-Oct-15 20:36:49

Gonn Tiger Mum time it is then! Nobody likes to piss off a pregnant woman, as DH has just told me grin

We moved her schools halfway through Y1 for various reasons, she never settled there, total school refusal. Moved her to this school and it's been hard to keep her away, even if she's got d&v she wants to go in, so to see her like this is absolutely heartbreaking sad

My first reaction was to pull her out, but I don't see why she should miss out on her lovely friends, teachers and all the clubs she loves because of one asshole child, who, apparently, is well known for this sort of thing angry I've heard through the grapevine there are major issues with his homelife, but my priority is protecting MY CHILD...

Sorry to hear about your DD, its so shit.

TheGonnagle Mon 19-Oct-15 22:19:11

How did it go Till?

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Tue 20-Oct-15 17:27:16

Badly sad Yesterday morning the support worker brought the boy in to the room and gave him a very stern talking to in front of DD (who was shaking like a leaf at being in the same room as him, I had no idea they'd planned that) however it did absolutely fuck all to deter him.

DD broke down just before Brownies yesterday and told me he'd been stood just a few feet away from her, staring at her silently confused And all 3 of her friends who she was with were shouting at him "go away" but he stood there for around 10 mins before going. Then he crept up right at the side of her later on and again stared at her.

Its menacing and creepy. She was terrified.

The supervising staff are either not paying attention or are turning a blind eye.

I called school and their solution was to take todays morning break time from him. I said that wasn't good enough and that every one of DDs break and lunch times have been made Hell since the start of term, this child has been sternly told off twice in 4 days and has actually escalated his stalking/harrasment of her and that I'd be in touch.

I sent a long email detailing my displeasure and that DD will not be returning to school for the foreseeable future. DSis had to take DD2 to Nursery this morning as DD1 wouldn't even go up there just to drop her off sad

I don't even know what to do next.

Choughed Wed 21-Oct-15 06:37:03

Hugs OP. I don't have any experience but have seen others recommend asking for a copy of the school's bullying policy and involving the Governors.

What shits they are.

TheGonnagle Wed 21-Oct-15 08:51:42

If I were you (not cowardly me last time sad ) I would request to see the schools bullying policy and a detailed intervention strategy to be effected immediately. I would also cc the chair of governors in on all communication from now on, which should all be formal and by email to create a paper trail.
Both the bullied and the bully sound like they're being failed by the current strategies. If there is no positive message and genuine intent to improve the situation then I would inform OFSTED.
Good luck.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Wed 21-Oct-15 10:57:27

There are no contact details available for the Governors, do school have to give them to me if I request them?

I'm not taking DD back until they guarantee this won't happen again, none of this "bring her in and see" bollocks again.

hufflebottom Wed 21-Oct-15 11:07:56

The school should give you the governors details.

I'd be messaging LEA too, to make them aware.

Agree with PP re: bullying policy.

Skullyton Wed 21-Oct-15 11:22:05

I agree, you need to keep at the HT until this is sorted, make it clear what they're doing isn't working.

You need to ask to see the Bullying policy. Contact the goveners and also inform the HT you will be notifiying the LA.

You could also go and have a chat with the Police and see if there is anything they can recommend as he is clearly intimidating and harassing your DD.

You need to be tough, don't let them fob you off!

Quietlygoingmad67 Wed 21-Oct-15 11:33:58

I'm so sorry to hear this - fast forward to Yr7 and this was my daughter but 4boys! (I still to this day would go for those boys!) her school were useless and the boys had 'no consewuence' if they apologised! PLEASE BE THAT TIGER MUM - and make sure this is followed up. I can gaurentee the school haven't even informed his parents and are trying to deal with it in house! How would you and your exDp feel about asking the school to call a meeting with this boy's parents - If this happens I would get your daughter to write a letter to this boy telling her how he makes her feel and how scared she is and then pass it or read it to the parents during the meeting! ...

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Wed 21-Oct-15 11:35:02

I'm trying to get a meeting with the HT but it seems impossible! angry
They keep fobbing me off to the support worker. I've refused to discuss it any further until they give me a meeting with HT.

I assume I can Google LEA/EWO etc?

Quietlygoingmad67 Wed 21-Oct-15 11:37:25 daughter endured the school until yr8 mainly because she had a lovely pastoral lady to talk to and help her deal with the daily bullying and the subsequent issues - of which there have been a lot! This bullying had a profound effect on my now 18 yo who has BDD, low self esteem, has self harmed and an eating disorder. Good luck and I really hope the school listens to you and can get this boy sorted! Trouble is yr6 kids are BIG fish in a little pond and are cocky and think it's harmless! If the school won't do anything then I would go and do exactly the same as this boy is doing to your daughter to him! Xx

Quietlygoingmad67 Wed 21-Oct-15 11:38:22

Every school is assigned an EWO - I found the details from my local council - call them and they can give you details

Quietlygoingmad67 Wed 21-Oct-15 11:40:47

Please keep lines of communication open with your daughter - which im sure you are! My daughter shut out most of the bad stuff (mental and physical abuse) and didn't tell us! She did attempt to take her own life and also self harmed really badly so I am fully aware how serious these situations can be x good luck and sending hugs to you and your daughter

Quietlygoingmad67 Wed 21-Oct-15 11:41:56

Sorry another post - if the HT won't see you then stage a sit in outside their door - usually works!!

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Wed 21-Oct-15 11:53:22

DSis took an overdose at 15 due to bullying. Our mother knew and did absolutely nothing about it, after a year DSis had enough. Thankfully she's now a happy 23 year old but when I find out all Hell broke loose and I threatened the girl (I was 21 at the time - 7 stone wet through and a tiny 5'3 compared to the bullies 5"11 and she must have been a good 15 stone - I didn't even touch her, I just backed her into a corner, got an inch from her face, gave her my best death glare and steely Satan voice and quietly informed her what I'd do to her if she even so much as glanced at my DSis again) and then went fucking nuclear at our mother for doing nothing about it (I'd been NC with her for 2 years at this point but I had to go and say something to the twat)

So it's very important to me that my DD sees me doing something about it - which luckily she knows I am, we are very close and she is opening up more and more about it.

DSS is a strapping 5'6 13YO and it has been tempting to allow him to go stare menacingly at the kid, alas I have to be an adult even though I want to go and terrify him as much as he has terrified my DD.

The support worker is good, DD loves her but I want to go higher up the chain about it now as it seems nothing is a deterrent to this kid.

pearpotter Wed 21-Oct-15 12:10:19

This happened to DD1 with a Y5 boy when she was in Y4, he also lived on our street. School dealt with it pretty well in pulling him up on his behaviour, and I told her to tell her teacher/ a member of staff any time anything happens.

At home was more difficult- wasn't just him but his brothers as well, and a whole group of kids were being a pain, not just with DD1, but with other kids on the street when they were playing out. I was all for storming around to his parents and this of the other kids involved, but from speaking to other parents who had done so it had seemed to have fallen on deaf ears. Also when someone is only a few doors away and knows where you live you don't particularly want to start a neighbour dispute with them...

What I did do was go out to the group of kids and speak firmly to them after one incident (stupid comments and following DD1 and friends down the street), after then the behaviour seemed to improve.

All the time I was supporting DD1, aiming to boost her self-esteem and let her know that his (bully's) behaviour was unacceptable and he was the one with the problem. We read through a couple of books about bullying and dealing with bullys together.

The bullying stopped when she moved into Y5 and he was in Y6, which was good because they both ended up on the same sports team at one point, and he actually started being quite friendly with her when they spoke. It was a worrying time though in Y4 and it is never the easiest thing to deal with. The key thing I think is to make sure they can tell you about it and how it makes them feel, and for them to know that it is very much the bully's problem, that they can't change someone else's behaviour, you can only change how you deal with it.

pearpotter Wed 21-Oct-15 12:11:38

Also I meant to say it is important DD feels that you have her back, and it sounds like you do!

Skullyton Wed 21-Oct-15 12:34:40

i agree, go to the school and insist on seeing the HT right NOW.

zipzap Wed 21-Oct-15 13:35:20

If the bully is in Y6 there's a good chance that he is 10 or 11 - which means he is old enough to get the police involved.

It's not a route I'd usually think of jumping straight to - but given he has been harassing your dd for months now and the school don't seem to realise how serious it is, I'd ring them up and tell them that as they don't seem to be able to safeguard your child from the other child, even after the problem has been brought to their attention, you are going to report this to the police. It might give them a jolt to see how unreasonable and negligent they are being.

Then I'd ring the local police on 101 and ask for their advice. Even if they don't go down the route of fully reporting it, they may well come and talk to the child unofficially to start with, which might make him stop and think. Given that this has been going on for some time, the boy has been told off, punished and has continued to carry on with the behaviour despite knowing that the staff are supposed to be looking out to make sure it doesn't happen, then escalation to the police seems reasonable. It's not just a prank that went wrong or too far that could be excused (not saying that those things are excusable, just that this seems more serious) - it's continued nasty scary harassment which is not a nice mindset for a Y6 boy to have - which is another reason that getting the police to talk to him now (rather than 5 years down the line when he could have progressed to all sorts of different scary) could be a good thing to do. Yes, I could be projecting wrongly - but even if the boy's behaviour has come about because of bad things happening to him, getting it flagged up and dealt with rather than dismissed by the school staff can only be a good thing.

I'd also be asking the HT why it is your dd that is effectively being punished for being a victim - she is the one missing out on lessons and seeing her friends. He meanwhile gets to carry on with his education and his life regardless.

On a separate note, it's great to see that your dd has loyal friends who are prepared to guard her. If this boy harasses her again when she gets back to school and her friends are around, is it worth talking to her and them about some strategies to get your dd away from the boy and over to a member of staff asap? And asking them to ensure that he is kept over 20 metres (or whatever seems appropriate) away from her at all times - and that if he breeches this he will be automatically punished. And at times like assemblies where the whole school will be in a hall together so it might be tricky, then he needs to sit with a teacher as far away from your dd as possible, and avoid looking or interacting with her. But he needs to be the one that has to make adjustments, not your poor dd!

It sounds like you are very determined to get this sorted which is great for your dd as she will see your love and support - and won't feel abandoned like you and your dsis did when you were young.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Wed 21-Oct-15 21:11:33

This is really odd isnt it? Have they asked why hes doing it? Has he no friends to play with? Can he be kept busy or could younger kids have a differnet play time? Or different play area? You need to state what you want to happen.
Ask if his parent have been contacted and if the dinner staff informed.

InternationalEspionage Wed 21-Oct-15 21:27:51

Sorry to read this. My sister was bullied at school. School didn't sort it. That made it worse. My parents called the cops. All sorted.

Bullying is not ok. This boy needs a good sharp shock to make him stop.

You might also want to inform the school that you are requesting a meeting with HT to make sure everything possible has been done in line with their policies before involving the police.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee Thu 22-Oct-15 09:38:25

I have a meeting tomorrow morning at 8am.

I plan to ask:

- If they've found out why he's targeting DD

- If all staff have been informed as it seems break/lunch time staff are both not paying attention and turning a blind eye (DD tried to get inside to tell a teacher on Monday and the dinner ladies wouldn't let her!)

- What punishment they are setting down

- Have they informed the parents

- How are they planning to keep my child safe (none of this "bring her in and see" bollocks, no, it stops, NOW)

- What they plan to do if he continues

Is there anything else I should be asking/demanding? DD has said she'll go back after half term if I go up and supervise break/lunch time which I am more than willing to do.

This is the first year she's had a mixed age group playground - Nursery/Reception are in a totally different building, Y1 have their own playground as do Y2.

Personally, were I in charge, he'd be suspended for a week and lose all of his break and lunch times next half term. They've bollocked him 3 times already and it hasn't deterred him one bit.

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