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child isolated because of me

(25 Posts)
ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME Sat 17-Jan-15 14:45:26

I have never fitted in even at high school and feel i am almost in the same position on the school run. My daughter does well at school is in lots of clubs and yet she still struggles to get invited to parties and to friends houses.
It came to a head last week when i saw on facebook all the mums were out with their daughters which my daughter is friends with. It breaks my heart because i am friendly and can talk about anything. I don't drink though and not one for 'partying' and i am wondering if this is the barrier.
I don't want to change my life style just so my daughter has friends but i almost feel like i am back at scho because i don't meet their standards.
Has anyone got any advice how i can make it easier for my daughter or are we just in a generation where no one goes round for tea anymore? Thanks.

pilates Sat 17-Jan-15 15:03:31

How old is your DD? I'm presuming primary school age. I really wouldn't worry when they hit secondary school, mum's don't get involved in childrens social life. Have you invited your DD's friends to your house, taken them out for the day?

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME Sat 17-Jan-15 15:07:49

She is junior school age. I have invited them but she never gets invited back its strange as they always play nicely. She tells me she is lonely despite going to all these clubs.

lemisscared Sat 17-Jan-15 15:11:10

i sympathise. you could be me. its really hard isnt it

In your position I'd keep inviting to yours for your DD'S sake (because she's said she's lonely) even though it's not being reciprocated. It's sad she's not getting invited back, but on the plus side at least her friends are happy to come to you and parents happy to bring them. You may feel a bit taken advantage of, but you're doing it for your DD, not for the other parents, and making the best of it for her.

misssmapp Sat 17-Jan-15 15:19:14

It is the same with my ds'. I work fulltime, so never do the school run and am not part of any groups, although I do chat and know other parents . I invite the boys friends over every school holiday ( I cant do after school) but they rarely get invited back.

Having said that ds1 never gets invited, but ds2 has a good group of friends who do return the invite and more, so maybe it is down to ds1 being a bit quieter and not quite 'fitting in'

I don't really have an answer, but I am just going to keep inviting their friends here and hope it keeps friendships going.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME Sat 17-Jan-15 16:44:19

Thanks. Some wise answers there. Its so easy to become bitter isn't it. I am sorry others are in the same boat women can be cruel. Xx

joozy Sun 18-Jan-15 12:27:40

Do these parents live near each other? It sometimes contributes to cliques. Totally understand - there are probably other parents who feel exactly the same at the school. Women can be cruel, although I would call it more 'insecure' .. they feel safer in a group. We enrolled our dd in some out of school activities and she has made lots of new friends, which means school feels less important - would recommend it. x

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME Sun 18-Jan-15 13:58:38

Yes they do not live near. i moved here so i guesd they will already have their cliques from knowing each other at school? Even mums at swimming group don't say hi and we have been attending a year!! Someone even said to her friend why is she smiling at us. I thought how rude!! I am thinking of looking into gymnastics for her on the day she is not at a school club.

joozy Mon 19-Jan-15 09:14:40

Good idea.
Yes, that is rude ...
I bet there are some open friendly parents there somewhere. They are probably the ones standing on their own too! This sounds really patronising and I don't mean it to, but (speaking from experience) when you give up trying too hard then it changes. You'll probably draw the right people towards you and your dd x

GillSans Mon 19-Jan-15 09:35:06

I would wait this out, in time your dd will make close meaningful friendships which will last.

I'm a bit like you too. So, when my dc's started at primary, I went out of my way to make friends and was part of a several group that met for coffee and went on nights/days out regularly etc. However, it just wasn't me. I found the meet ups cliquey and a bit bitchy, and wasn't comfortable with that. Also, I realised a lot of these mums expected their kids to only be friends with the other parents kids. Parents and children from outside the group were disparaged and excluded.

I extricated myself, hopefully without any upset, but I know I was talked about by most. Since then, I have allowed my own and my dc's friendships to develop naturally an separately. Of course, this happened at a much slower rate, and my dd in particular has been aware that we are now excluded from the cliques outings. But several years on (though still at primary, just) I find both mine and my dc's friendships, although fewer, are stronger and more genuine than anything I ever had with The Clique.

Greywackejones Mon 19-Jan-15 09:40:44

Why are you assuming the other mothers are drunk when out and partying all the time? That's highly unlikely isn't it? And assuming they are out two-three nights a week why were you to be there would you need to drink? You can buy coca cola in a pub... Or drive.

Your looking for very odd reasons as to why your dd is not as involved.

You can't make stuff happen. Just keep inviting the girls over. Keep making efforts at the gate. Just do what you can. Nothing suggests either of you is 'at fault' some people just have smaller friendship groups.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME Tue 20-Jan-15 12:58:12

Well facebook has its good and bad points doesn't it.
Photos showing they are out. So i guess i need to look else where other than schoolrun for friendships. And hope in time that my daughter will make some good friends at school.

DeanKoontz Tue 20-Jan-15 15:05:52

This is one of the many reason I'm not on facebook.

I saw this today....

DeanKoontz Tue 20-Jan-15 15:06:34

I'm not usually one for those soppy quotes. But I liked that one.

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME Tue 20-Jan-15 16:30:37

I know. One of them friended my best friend when they said they had come of it to me. So i think it's sad that people judge you from your profile or because of what someone said. Oh well their loss in the end because my daughter and i are both fabulous ;-)

claraschu Tue 20-Jan-15 16:38:17

I would keep asking the other children over to your house, and keep being friendly. Not everyone is cliquey and mean; some are thoughtless, busy and already have their social patterns set up. It doesn't always mean they intend to exclude you or your daughter, even if that is the way it comes off.

TheFriar Tue 20-Jan-15 16:46:21

OP same over here. Ive tried for years to 'fit in' and still don't because they all have friendship groups that date back to when the dcs were babies/when they were young and you just cannot fit into the group.
It was very visible when they were little but as the dcs are growing up and starting to go to each other houses, it does change. That where having invited them before, even wo a return invite, helps smile

And YY to other activities.
Again as they grow older, thru do include children from other places than just school and it's a big help for them to have friends.

Also I would be careful re your dd being isolated. Bored because she would like a friend to play with isn't the same than being isolated (no friend at all at school to play with or no one wanting to come over fur a play date).

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME Tue 20-Jan-15 21:33:44

Thanks all for your posts. :-)

caliopexx2015 Thu 12-Feb-15 09:09:56

Just wanted to add that I know exactly where u are coming from, have been there myself. It is hard being on the outside of a group and heartbreaking to see our kids in the same situation - people wonder why kids can be so mean and exclusive, they learn it from their parents! x

momtothree Fri 13-Mar-15 14:12:15

Would agree with most of this. I dont do clique! I also dislike the `bestie` culture. I want my kids to have lots of different friends and enjoy a wider social life. I know if mums who choose their kids best friend based on the parent not the child, which causes untold issues. How are u getting on?

takeallday Thu 30-Apr-15 15:59:49

Op I know it from my own experience you are not alone. I don't do facebook though. Now my dd1 s in yr 7 so I m not involved with her social life much. I don't know if it s becouse we are regarded as outsisders. I mean dh and I didn't grow up in this district. flowers

takeallday Thu 30-Apr-15 16:47:51

Just to say I don't think it s just a mums' thing I ve known some dads are just the same.......

opalfire Tue 05-May-15 23:36:25

OP. I'm sorry that you feel like you do, but things might not be quite as bad as you are imagining. Yes some of the mothers may be friendly, and have a social life together but it doesn't necessarily mean that their children are best friends.

My closest friends now are the mums I met when my PFB went to nursery. Our children had play dates because we liked each other's company. As we slowly returned to work we helped each other out by picking up each other's children when another of us was late/busy. So the children came for tea more due to necessity. We still do have occasional outings, however, as they have grown up our children have chosen different friends.

The girls you are talking about might feel they are just as good friends with your daughter as with the others. My DD is now closest to girls whose mums I don't know at all.

Also as mums returned to work, going round for tea fizzled out. I suppose work leaves less energy for entertaining children! Great if they're invited elsewhere though! Now In year 6 it's quite rare but the girls occasionally go into the village in groups for an ice cream together. No parental involvement at all.

DS is at secondary school and has his own, completely different set of friends.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is don't despair. Even if the after school stuff isn't happening at the moment it will come as in-school friendships develop.

villainousbroodmare Tue 05-May-15 23:48:17

I would definitely agree with you re dd (an maybe yourself) starting a new pursuit or two outside of school. Horses and scouting saved me from feeling quite unhappy in school, and provided two totally new social circles which were much easier to break into and more fun as everyone there has something in common.

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