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Parental bullying & manipulative parental behaviour in Independent Primary school

(22 Posts)
snannak Wed 03-Dec-14 00:13:50

My child goes to a well known and highly rated independent Junior school in South. Over the past 4 years (since joined in reception), set of around five wealthy mums ganged together and bullying my child and few other children in all sort of ways.

Overall their kids and ours get on very well in the school and class. But, these parents don't like other children (+ minority kids) to be friendly with their kids. In order to achieve this, they will

a. intentionally avoid other children.
b. intentionally not invite other children to their kids parties (even if others invite everyone to the parties) and so on.
c. advice their kids not to mingle too much with other children

More importantly, they have made the school to re-group the class (last year) such a way that all top half social-economic parent's kids in one class and other (bottom) half of social-economic parent's kids & ethnic minority kids in the other class. IT has already created all sort of anxiety and stress among kids and parents.

School says that they don't have any control on the parents behavior out side of the school.

a. wonder what sort of impact it will have in other kids in long run, given that these kids are already manipulated/bullied at a young age by their friend's parents, which can be very demotivating.

b. have anyone experience similar problem in other schools.

c. experienced racial tensions between kids.

Thanks,

taxi4ballet Wed 03-Dec-14 10:41:10

Doesn't sound like a very nice school environment to me. I'd have my dd out of there and into another school in a flash.

What was the school's last Ofsted report like? (Not the academic side - the pastoral care)

BigBird69 Fri 05-Dec-14 11:42:15

I have experienced this and know exact where you're coming from. My child wasn't aware it was going on especially. It was more obvious to me. There were some "normal" mothers there but there was a group who considered themselves "above everyone else". My child has SEN (he had a stroke as a baby) and struggles to read and write. They would make catty comments about his work when it was out on the wall etc and assume he's "stupid" because his speech isn't clear. We have sent our son to a different school.

OutwiththeOutCrowd Fri 05-Dec-14 16:21:41

One of the unanticipated hazards of placing your child in an independent school is that you run the risk of discovering exactly where you are perceived to be perched on the social-standing tree. (In our family's case, it was on a very low branch indeed!)

If you are the sort of person who does not behave differently to others according to their 'social rank', it can be a bewildering and disorientating experience to find yourself judged and found wanting by other parents who do differentiate in this way.

I do not know how prevalent shunning of 'socially inferior' families is in independent schools, but it certainly happened to us.
(I don't think I'm being paranoid here!) At the adult level, the ostracism was subtle but firm. At the pupil level, the ostracism was much more overt. It could be that your situation is a more hopeful one in that the children themselves seem to be getting along okay.

If you and your family find yourself 'personae non gratae' in the playground, the best way forward depends on the exact circumstances. If your DC is really unhappy in general, then you might consider another school. If your DC is happy with the other children and the educational experience overall and the prejudiced attitude of the other parents only intermittently encroaches, you might feel able to ignore it or not let it get under your skin. (Easier said than done, I know!)

Would you be able to cultivate a more detached attitude to what's happening - as if you were an anthropologist like Margaret Mead watching the fascinating mores of the natives from a distance?

It's also true that being 'out with the out crowd' is perfectly fine and often more interesting. In my own experience, I found there were frequently childminders, nannies and grannies around at 'pick up' time standing on their own and happy for a bit of chat at the end of the school day. Funnily enough, dogs helped me stay sane too! Not allowed in every playground of course, but if they are, I have found they don't discriminate according to guesstimated bank balance. They are usually quite happy to come up to you for a tickle behind the ears, and give you a little of that 'I'm a sentient being - you're a sentient being' recognition that social animals require.

Or you could always buy a ski chalet in Gstaad, possibly available for borrowing, and watch the upper echelons of school society re-evaluate the charms of your family!

Not all of the above will be of relevance to you - just my experience of social discrimination in an independent junior school. There was no racial element in our case, and if there has been for you, I am really sorry to hear it.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:03

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:04

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 14:50:04

I have a similar problem - my 7 year old son has been the target of a hate campaign by the mother of a child in his class. Both the boys and the mother and I were good friends. The boys had a minor disagreement which was started by my son, but I made sure that he apologized and felt that the matter was closed. The next day, 'the mother' ignored me and I have found out that since that time, she has been going into the school (almost on a daily basis) to complain about my son. The head teacher is very good and has told me that she has spent many a playtime and lunchtime observing my son and that there is not a problem - my son is a delightful, kind child who is popular with his peers and that in fact 'the mother's' son and my child often play together.

'The mother' will not accept that there is NOT a problem and keeps going into the school. She has also started 'bad mouthing' my son to other parents - a child told my son that his mother had told him that my son was 'not a nice boy' - the consequences of her poison lies are that my son very rarely gets invited to birthday parties, even though the children holding the parties are his friends.

'The mother' is very friendly with another mother who is not particularly intelligent and she has completely poisoned this other woman against me - in fact we had a very heated argument in the playground recently, while 'the mother' in question skulked in the background, obviously pleased that her lies and manipulation had paid off.

The head teached is baffled by the whole situation and even asked me if 'the mother' was jealous of me.

I often don't go into the playground, but just drop my child off at the gate, because 'the mother' and her cronies make me feel so uncomfortable.

Her child has now started saying things to my son which could have only originated from her e.g. "this situation is all your fault" - doesn't strike me as being the vocabulary of a 7 year old.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how to resolve this situation would be appreciated.

moonrocket Mon 15-Dec-14 14:57:30

I take it there's a problem?
Rise above justamum. Ignore her.

justamum84 Mon 15-Dec-14 15:02:03

That's easier said than done. It's now affecting my son's health - he is displaying anxious behaviour.

I am thinking of reporting her to the school governors.

Miggsie Mon 15-Dec-14 15:07:30

I would question why this school is so highly rated when the head teacher and class teachers seem unable to maintain their running of the school in the face of manipulative parents.

I have seen a parent do this in a school my friend's child was in and it boggles me that educational professionals let parents get away with this stuff.

Go see the head but start looking for another school.

snannak Tue 16-Dec-14 08:39:28

Schools always say that parental politics is something outside of school's control which is pity.

taxi4ballet Wed 17-Dec-14 23:49:50

As long as the parents are paying their fees, then the school will be happy to take the money!

Lonecatwithkitten Sun 21-Dec-14 19:36:48

I have to disagree with Taxi. I have seen an independent school remove children from their school role due top their agents repeated bullying behaviour. Children, teachers and other parents. The school gathered it's evidence and then used the mutual respect clause in the contract to remove the family from the school.

taxi4ballet Tue 23-Dec-14 14:48:19

That's good to hear Lonecat, hopefully the OP's school will act appropriately as well.

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