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Sometimes I feel like throttling certain children.

(21 Posts)
SixImpossible Tue 22-Jul-14 09:08:53

Y6 leavers' party tomorrow.

After a year of tormenting dd because she is not just tolerant of, but welcoming to and friendly with an autistic boy who attends the SEN unit at their school, these girls have way to torment dd: "I don't know why LittleSix is coming to the party, as she doesn't have a date." "There's not much point in LittleSix coming to the party, as she doesn't have a boyfriend to invite her."

With a group of boys mocking and tormenting dd over her intelligence, her eagerness to learn and her enthusiasm for class work, and a group of girls mocking and tormenting dd over her being socially different to the crowd, my little girl is being slowly and steadily crushed.

Hurr1cane Tue 22-Jul-14 09:19:02

What does 'not tolerant of' mean?

BravePotato Tue 22-Jul-14 09:20:37

Dates? In yr6? How sad.

It all sounds hideous. Is her next school better?

SixImpossible Tue 22-Jul-14 09:23:04

God I hope so.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 22-Jul-14 09:26:24

She said not *just tolerant of.

Your DD sounds lovely.

I am sorry she is going through this. Have been there myself. Kids can be cruel at that age.

aturtlenamedmack Tue 22-Jul-14 09:26:45

It was 'not just tolerant of' - I read it as meaning that the op's dd was friendly with the boy in question, where as the other children in the class didn't behave in the same way and just tolerated the little boy.

Hurr1cane I read it as 'Not just tolerant of' - so I'm guessing everyone else is intolerant of him, but OP's DD is friendly and welcoming.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Tue 22-Jul-14 09:27:33

If she likes him she should pursue that friendship.

SixImpossible Tue 22-Jul-14 09:28:03

You've miss-read, Hurricane. Dd does more than merely tolerate this boy, she is friendly with him. So of course these girls mock her and tease her that he is her boyfriend. She is as friendly with him as she is with several other boys, but he, poor love, is un-cool.

ElephantsNeverForgive Tue 22-Jul-14 09:29:03

You are not being unreasonable, my quirky geeky DD1 was far better friends with the slightly geeky odd ball boys (including one I suspect had AS) than the cliquey girls.

Fortunatly they were too shy for boys and active bullying, they just left her out of everything.

Here's hoping her new school is better and it will be better, but in may take until late Y9

(I was also friends with the geeks and outcast by the girls. Once you get past that awkward pre-teen phase of who's going out with who, it generally gets a bit better. Secondary school seems a much easier place to fit in as a geek than primary school)

SixImpossible Tue 22-Jul-14 09:40:50

Dd sees a group of four girls playing a game.
"Can I join in?"
"No, it's a game for four people."
"OK then."

A few minutes later sees that another girl or two have joined the game.

"I thought you said it was a game for four people."
"Oh, well we changed the rules so that So-and-So could join in."

What do you say to that? It bloody hurts! When they're not actively teasing dd, there's constant, low-level, tormenting going on. She's frequently confused about who her friends are, and I suspect that, whenever she gets comfortable playing regularly with anybody, these girls tease that person about playing with dd.

I just don't know how to help her. sad

Hurr1cane Tue 22-Jul-14 10:25:26

I re read three times and read not tolerant of. I've read again now and see what it actually says. That's sleep deprivation for you, I was really confused. Thanks smile

Hurr1cane Tue 22-Jul-14 10:26:19

Will she be in high school with these girls? hmm

Floggingmolly Tue 22-Jul-14 10:43:35

Since when did you need a boy to invite you to the Year 6 leaving party? confused

SixImpossible Tue 22-Jul-14 11:18:38

You don't! But that's not the point. They don't get a rise out of dd any more by pretending that she has a boyfriend, so now they're finding a different way of trying to get a rise out of her.

SixImpossible Tue 22-Jul-14 11:23:57

Yes, Hurr1cane, she will be. But, I hope, in different form groups. And, I also hope, in top sets with other children who actually want to achieve. Needless to say, most of the kids who pick on dd are not in the same sets as her. Two who are, will be going to other schools.

Hurr1cane Tue 22-Jul-14 12:51:44

Does she know anyone who will be in her forms/ classes? Can you throw some cool parties or days out over he summer with them?

whereismagic Thu 20-Nov-14 12:14:30

Kidscape runs courses for 6+ and also there is a bullying helpline for parents.

As to the situation with joining a game. At least one of the girls was mean but it also might mean that your daughter has difficulties with joining a group. It's a social skill that is difficult to learn. Different ages have different algorithms for it but none includes explicitly asking permission to join.

claraschu Thu 20-Nov-14 12:22:37

Whereismagic: If a child wants to join a game with a group of other children, I would think that asking: "Can I play?" is a very normal normal way to join in. Do you really think this is not a socially graceful thing to ask?

whereismagic Thu 20-Nov-14 15:30:15

I thought that too. DS has the same problem with joining in. At primary school level "Can I join in?" might not work because it gives an option of saying no and also it interrupts a game. There is a very subtle way of doing the same which goes "observe, identify, slot in the game". It actually makes sense if you think about game as work and not as conversation. Imagine that you and 2 other people are working on a fairly complicated project. If the project is just about manageable you distribute tasks, communicate and coordinate fairly easily. Now imagine that in the middle of all of this a coworker comes I and says that s/he would like to join you. What happens is that you will have to stop whatever you are doing (all 3 of you) and evaluate if spending the next hour explaining what you are doing and how and then rearrange tasks so that the new person can join in is worth it. The chances are you will say "I think we are doing ok at the moment", i.e. we don't need you. If you are a kind person who remembers what's it like to be new or if the project is becoming too much and you need help or if this coworker already did something similar - the answer might be different.

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