Persistent bullying of dd 14

[Carolj4725]

My dd has been bullied by a group of boys, 2 of which she has known since they were babies, both on the bus to school and in her form group. The school dealt with it as soon as we told them, but it had been going on for months before ds told us about it . Dd refused to talk, but eventually broke down after threatening to leave home, and told us , they were taking her stuff from her on the bus, calling her names, being physical with her, put up a Facebook page about her, emptying her school bag in form room and taking her books, this went on every day for months. It all seems to have died down after school came down fairly hard, but now dd is constantly teary and lacks self confidence, and says she is becoming aggressive when other kids are mean to her. How can we help her? March 2014 Hi again, the low level stuff has started again, and she is really unhappy. She has asked to move forms and we are supporting her in this, but the school are refusing and saying it is not policy to move form groups. They recognise the problem and have said they will ensure she is in different teaching groups in yr 10 as they are at different academic levels and all of Their options apart from 1 are different. They have also said that they will put them in different re, citizenship and pe groups. All this is great, but they are refusing to move her form group. Hoy has been very helpful and supportive, dd has accepted a counselling referral from the school. She gas to get the bus with this boy, both husband and I unable to drive her the 20 miles each way to school. She is still upset over form group not sticking up for her and still some kids making comments and being hurtful. I am trying to encourage friendships in the form ( she has a girl here for a sleepover tonight which I virtually made her do) but I don't know what else to do. I think the hoy hinted that they could move her form group if the gp was involved, but I don't know how this would impact on her in the future! I don't know if she needs a cams referral, or how this could affect her university prospects ? Do unis get info like this from schools? Sorry to go on, but I just don't know what to do for the best. Surely if they recognise the problem and are willing to separate them to that extent, they can move her from that form? Or do we continue to encourage her to see the positives in the new academic year in September ? She says she wants to move schools if she can't move forms, but I really don't want to do this as she lives her teachers and lessons and has chosen a very specific set of gcses. Please help with some advice!

[AnneOfCleavage]

No advice but thought I'd bump this for you. So sorry you and your DD are going through this. Hope someone will come along who has had a similar experience who may suggest a solution.

[Carolj4725]

Thank you, I don't know how the whole chat discussion thing works, I just don't know where to go with this. The boy who started it all has problems at home I know, and it had appeared to die down. The problem us that she now appears to be the whipping boy for the class. I don't know whether we are making things worse by contacting the school or what. She is a lovely girl who gets on well with older and younger children, but really seems to struggle with her peer group. She was disparate to get in with the cool group, but seemed happier to be on the outside when she realised that they were actually not great people. School have spoken to her again today, and to him, but I don't know if we are making things worse by insisting she moves forms, or whether to accept what they have offered.

[Shockers]

So she is the one being bullied, but she is also the one expected to get help/counselling about her behaviour?

I think the person who went to the trouble of setting up a fb page, in order to make another human being's life miserable, needs some 'help' sorting his behaviour out too. 'Stop doing that' isn't enough.

The whole form sound like they need PHSE input too.

I hate that this is being treated as your DD's problem;t's giving her completely the wrong message about herself. I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't receive counselling, but that she shouldn't be the only one.

My friend has told me that she was systematically bullied by two boys and two girls at school for being slightly overweight and coming from an overweight family. She is now a personal trainer with a wonderful social life and a lovely husband and children. The bullying was not her fault and she does not have some kind of victim mentality where she imagined slights where there were none; it was real and affected her whole school life. Those children should have been made to see the damage they were doing. However, in the long run, their behaviour actually made her stronger.

Good luck to your DD. This has made me so angry on her behalf.

[Sparklingbrook]

Is there any option to move schools? I know it sounds rash but we did if for DS1 at then end of Yr8 when enough became enough.

[Carolj4725]

I know, I don't want her to feel like she is the one with the problem, which is why I am loath to go down that route. We have said that the counselling could help her with coping strategies and help her realise that's it's not her fault, we are not an anti therapy family, I have had counselling training in the past as I almost went down that career route. I know sometimes she struggles in social situation she is very sensitive but also would always say what she thinks, which is not a great combination for her. Unfortunately this has led to her becoming less confident and withdrawn, I can see anxiety issues creeping in with some of her behaviours and she has confided that she has tried to self harm in the past. She says she is not doing it now and doesn't want to.

[Carolj4725]

Bump

[Sparklingbrook]

Could she move schools?

[Pinknfluffy]

She loves the school and we don't know if it would follow her, it's a small place but has 4 good secondary schools and she would know people at all of them. We just don't know what to do for the best.

[Sparklingbrook]

It worked for DS1. We just had to get him away, he didn't want to go to school any more.

[Pinknfluffy]

How did the transition go?

[Sparklingbrook]

He had a taster day and he loved it. He knew 5 or 6 boys there already and he was put in a tutor group with one of them.

About 2 weeks later he started proper, and he has been there 2 years now. So glad we did it. I don't think it ever going to work at the old school no matter what anyone did.

DS2 is going to go to the old schoo in Septemberl. He is a totally different child.

[Pinknfluffy]

I just don't know if moving her is the right thing. I don't want her to think that she should accept all the snide comments and exclusions , but I also need to be realistic. I don't even know if I am making it worse than it is by championing her, I know she is no angel.

[Sparklingbrook]

It's really hard. Ideally I didn't want to move DS. School was 15 minute walk away, now he's 12 miles away on the bus which we pay £540 a year for.
I just knew that things had reached breaking point and i couldn't watch it any longer, and he was so unhappy.

[Pinknfluffy]

Her current school is 20 miles away and we have to pay fares, the two we would be looking at are closer, both good schools, but I know children who have also been bullied at both of them.

[Sparklingbrook]

I think it's down to the personality of the child Pink. I never for a moment thought DS1 wouldn't 'fit' the original school. But there were a few children there that just wouldn't leave him be, day after day of it.

Some children in DS1's case may have fought back, but it's just not in his character.

DS2 wouldn't stand for any of it.

[Pinknfluffy]

Update - the parent of the child who has been bullying her wants to meet to discuss the "issues" .Have agreed to meet as we think at least we can put him straight on what's been happening. I just know that he will try and play the 6 of one and half a dozen of the other card, but I will not accept that, I hope things don't get worse because of it.

[Sparklingbrook]

Be careful with that Pink. Are you going to meet with a teacher present?

[Pinknfluffy]

No, in a neutral area. Not with the kids there. I know him fairly well, I don't think it will help terribly much, but there is always the hope that if he realises the true extent of the problem he will help us. But I think he will try and play it down.

[Hardtothinkofanewname]

My daughter has been bullied for months recently.

In the end I emailed the parents of one of the school teachers simultaneously saying I want it all to stop. We are in the middle of working that through.

What I want to say is it does look very much like the parents are playing it down. So be careful. These children are learning to be bullies from somewhere.

Could you meet at school? And discuss the situation with a Senior teacher present?

[Pinknfluffy]

Yes we could, that was suggested as one of the possibilities by him. I would be happy to do that, to be honest. My dh talked to him yesterday and we were going to try to set up a meeting for today, but he hasn't got back to us, and tbh I think meeting with the hoy present at school would be better. She is very sympathetic to us. I think I am going yo ask dh to organise this ASAP . Parent has said that his son feels victimized now and that he knows my dd does! The only reason his ds feels that way is cos he is being pulled up over his actions, when we have reported them to school.