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Dd constantly being excluded

(13 Posts)
twofalls Thu 02-Jan-14 11:39:23

Dd1 is in year3. She is sociable and outgoing and has no problems making friends outside school. In school she really struggles though and had complained of being excluded since reception.

I have people back here and she gets asked back in return and there are no problems. She used to be very bossy but is learning to be less so.

I thought thubgs were getting better but we had a friend here yesterday who basically told me that no one seems to like dd at school and she often walks around crying begging people to play with her. A mutual friend of theirs keeps saying "no go away" and the girl we had over just goes along with it (they are in the same class, dd1 is in a different one.

She has friends in her class but is the third girl in a couple if "best friend" couples. She looked after our neighbours dd recently when she was new but that girl has now found a new best friend and dd1 gets ignored when they are together. Cf
I feel furious tbh. Dd1 cried for hours after thus girl left and sats she feels invisible and that on one cares.

I have spoken to the school on numerous occasions and nothing seems to change.

I am friends Wuthencourage

twofalls Thu 02-Jan-14 11:39:46

Oops posted too soon. Will continue!

twofalls Thu 02-Jan-14 11:42:57

I am friends with a few mums but I think they just think dd is being dramatic as their dds say there is no problem.

Not sure what to do. Just feel so sorry for her.

twofalls Thu 02-Jan-14 23:20:32


steppemum Thu 02-Jan-14 23:52:30

wish I could help, I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

my dd is similar, lots of nice girls in her class, and she arrived at the end of year 1, and they were all paired off. They are now year 4, and dd just doesn't have a friend.

It breaks my heart actually, she can be a great friend, but she is not really happy at school, because she doesn't have a friend.

twofalls Fri 03-Jan-14 18:53:23

Sorry to hear that. It's so hard isn't it? Have you had friends back, talked to the school, etc? I honestly feel for them.

Imsosorryalan Fri 03-Jan-14 18:57:56

Do you think it's because she used to be bossy? I know my dd has come home saying she isn't 'x's friend anymore as she's bossy. Is it worth talk got you dd about how to show friends her nice side, letting them do things first or playing their games first etc? I'm sure she may do some of this already. But may help.

Littlefish Fri 03-Jan-14 19:03:11

I agree with Iamsorry. My dd often used to come home saying that no one would play with her. When we got to the bottom of it, what she mean was "no one will play the game I want them to play". If things didn't go the way she wanted them to, dd would walk away, and then say that no- one wanted to play with her. Could there be an element of this with your dd?

Incidentally, after a couple of years of this, we made the decision for this, and other reasons, to move dd to a new school. A term in, and so far, everything is going well. Starting at a new school seems to have given dd the fresh start she needed, with new friends who don't see her as bossy.

MrsGrasshead Fri 03-Jan-14 19:26:48

I have a dd in year 3. From what you've said it sounds as though she's just been caught up with a couple of girls who aren't very kind.

Maybe she needs to focus on making friends with others rather than being the spare part of a threesome. There do seem to be new friendships being made due to doing the same activities in or out of school, or having shared interests. Some are doing judo, others music, others street dance. Is there something she could join to perhaps make a new friend?

It sounds like she's really lost her confidence. I would perhaps have a talk to her about acceptable behaviour from friends and some social techniques. There are some really good books out there - things like bullies, big mouths and so called friends which is aimed at a higher age group but I found quite useful for dd when she was having trouble with one particular girl. It has simple lists about what makes a good friend and how to be one. Also the unwritten rules of friendship - just talks about how to approach people to join in a game as well as many other good tips. Just little things really like it's better to join a group by saying something like "oh that looks really cool, you could do this" rather than "can I play with you" which invariably gets a "no" response.

steppemum Fri 03-Jan-14 22:36:36

some great ideas MrsGrasshead.
We find that dd is fine on playdates, but not at school, there is something in the social group that doesn't include her somehow. When you talk to the school they are surprised as she is friendly with everyone and works happily with everyone. But that is classroom not playground.

Ds had a similar thing in his class, and this year 2 boys with behaviour issues have left and a new boy has come. The dynamic of the whole class has changed and suddenly ds is one of a group of 5 really good friends. These boys (except the new one) have always been in the class, but the breaking and reforming of the social group this year has allowed new friendships to happen.

I keep wishing for the same thing for dd's class.
Fortunately there is a new girl 2 houses down, and she and dd have become instant best buddies, so that is looking promising for outside of school.

Sorry Op, not much advice to offer, it is heartbreaking though to see them excluded.

MillyMollyMama Sat 04-Jan-14 00:01:25

I had a similar problem with my DD and she was watched by a member of staff for a week to see what was happening. All the popular girls chose the games and the others followed their lead. Apparently my DD spoke up and said she wanted to choose a game but no-one agreed with her as they were happy with the status quo. She felt rejected as this was a regular occurrence. She basically had to find new friends and start games/play with them. The situation never really resolved itself until year 6 by which time we had chosen an independent senior school to get away from these girls and their cliquey parents and start again. My DD was not invited to parties/tea by many of the girls who were invited here. I was heartily sick of it all. My DD was stoical and did eventually get invited to parties in year 6 but she did not keep in touch with any of them once she started at her new school. You could ask your school to observe to see what is happening and then talk it over with you.

twofalls Sat 04-Jan-14 21:21:45

Thanks everyone for your responses. Some great ideas from everyone - I will look into the books and ask school to observe too. It's a great idea to watch her for a week.

She has a good social circle outside of school including some friends from my nct group so children she has known all her life, and has made some lovely friends in her drama group.

I think she has made a big effort to control her bossiness, I see her really checking herself and she has become much more considerate to others. However I do think she has quite strong feelings about what she wants to do and sometimes will probably say she doesn't want to do something, even if that means she is then alone. Probably a but like your Dd milly. She has to understand that is her choice I suppose.

We saw one of her friends yesterday and they were so pleased to see each other and had a great morning. She talked to her about how excluded she feels which was brave and grown up of her. Her friend was sweet but didn't really understand the problem.

Anyway, thanks everyone again for your responses. Very helpful,

twofalls Tue 14-Jan-14 22:49:49

Just wanted to update. Had a chat with the teacher (or at least dd did, she was extremely articulate and explained exactly how she felt.)

Teacher totally understood and said she would try and set her up with another girl who was also feeling isolated. Dd has been much happier since and whilst she hasn't completely clicked with the other girl they are friends. She felt better just for talking it through with her lovely teacher who told her it was find to be a bit different and quirky and not like one direction. She told her she was a salmon rather than a sheep and that was ok. She also said to me that come year 6 the other girls will finally get her and she will probably become really popular by which time dd will be past caring!

Anyway, she is happy at the mo. that's all I care about.

Thanks all.

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