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How do i cope with both daughters being bullied?

(12 Posts)
maisyleigh2004 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:47:13

Hi I am new to all this but i really need some advise! I have two daughters a teenager and a 9 yearold who are both being bullied in school. my 9 year old has allowed me to go into school to discuss with her teachers, which i have done and we are waiting for them to form a plan of action, but I have to say so far they have been great and they have witnessed the girl doing it first hand now (the girl didnt know the teacher was watching) and she delt with the situation well.
My 14 year old does not want me to get involved as she says it just makes things worse! so i am trying to give her stratagies to cope with it and i make sure that sh talks to me alot as once you have spoken about it sometimes it doesnt seem so bad.
My problem is i dont know how to cope with both girls crying on me and staying strong, I dont have any friends who i can talk to about this as they are mostly parents from the school and i am scared that they will gossip and it will get back to the children, thefore making my eldest daughter having to deal with them knowing.
I cant talk to my parents either as the last time my youngest was going through a hard time, my mum told me that is was my fault as i didnt stand up for her and i was a rubbish mum, maybe she has a point!
Can anyone help me with any coping stratagies for me i have looked on line but there doesnt seem much out there.

MarianneEnjolras Tue 24-Sep-13 15:53:32

You must talk to the school. Nothing will stop unless someone does something about it. I appreciate your dd doesn't want you to get involved but its your job to get involved as her parent!

sisterofmercy Tue 24-Sep-13 16:08:19

Don't listen to your mum. How can you be rubbish when you've been trying to respect your teenage daughter's point of view? That's a lovely thing to do.

However, if it has been going on a while and your older daughter hasn't been able to sort it out on her own you need to step in now and assume that parental role as she doesn't have the experience of life to make the final decisions.

Apart from that in terms of coping there is mumsnet. There is also the GP - they could refer you to a counsellor if you struggle with the emotional load. Also the teachers in the school may be quite supportive.

paperlantern Tue 24-Sep-13 16:54:29

recommended on here was queen bees and wannabes. east Sussex have a bullying referelral service which is meant to be quite good.

work the parent network and get some playdates happening with as wide a variety of kids as possible.

DeWe Thu 26-Sep-13 10:39:02

DD1 never wants me to speak to the school. I do. But the first thing I tell the school is that she isn't to know I've contacted them. They've always honoured that.

It means when the bully gets into trouble, and says "you told on me" they can say in full faith that it isn't anything to do with them. The bully then thinks either they've been spotted, or someone else has told.

coocachoo Thu 26-Sep-13 18:56:45

i have read your comments and it makes me so sad to hear what u r going through if it helps i also have a 14 yr old dd who is being bullied by boys and girls every day she is called a slag although she dosent have a boyfriend they are evil it breaks my heart too we are in a new area with no frinds my dd just wants mates they dont want to know i have told the schl they say they will sort it out but daily it still goes on i dont even want to send her to school anymore i think the girls are all evil witches and like u i am angry and feel so helpless.

maisyleigh2004 Thu 26-Sep-13 21:41:37

coocachoo, that is exactly what my eldest is going through name calling etc, she has the most amazing coloured hair so they pick on that the most, so much that she has asked me to dye it! (which i wont do). my youngests school has been great so far but she is still scared that the girl will find out that she told on her, but it has got so bad for her i had to say something as i was getting worried about her health. I really wish i knew why children were so horrible, i wish they could see the hurt they cause. Hopefully there will be light at the end of a very long dark tunnel!

nancy75 Thu 26-Sep-13 21:51:20

Op, going to the school is the right thing to do for your little one, for the older girl I'm not so sure. I was horribly bullied at school at around the same age, my parents going to the school definitely made the situation worse for me. I really wish I could offer you advice on what to do to make it better. Does your older dd have any friends at the school?

maisyleigh2004 Thu 26-Sep-13 21:57:45

Hi Nancy75 yes she does have friends which is why i have taken a bit of a step back, i am always here to talk to and she often puts letters under my pillow if they have said things to her that she is to embarresed to say, but her friends come over and i hear them giggling and having a great time so aslong as she has them i feel she is doing ok, though i do keep a close eye.

nancy75 Thu 26-Sep-13 22:01:28

Her having friends does make the situation slightly better, it sounds like you are doing the right thing by being there for her. Just keep reassuring her that she is loved, she has friends & you are there no matter what.

BlackMogul Thu 26-Sep-13 23:18:55

You are never going to make unkind girls pleasant. The school is not going to either, so your daughter's need coping strategies. This type of behaviour between girls is unfortunately not that unusual. It is terrific your elder daughter has friends. This is a major strength and they will, as a group, be stronger against the girls who are nasty. Do whatever you can to make sure your daughter keeps this friendship group. Your daughter and her friends are the best antidote to bullying. Treat the bullies with the contempt they deserve. Ignore what they say. I know this is difficult but their nasty comments are designed to get a reaction! Normally, girls grow out of their worst bullying traits, and although your daughter will not want to be friends with them, they will stop baiting her. Under no circumstances should your daughters give their phone numbers out to these girls or go on unsuitable social media where everyone can contact them. Advise your girls to keep as far away from them as possible at school too. Sit surrounded by friends at lunchtime and in the classroom. Don't interact with them and lastly, ensure your daughter's have self esteem. They need to know they have the inner strength not to be victims.

maisyleigh2004 Fri 04-Oct-13 21:42:42

Its been 2 weeks since going in to my youngest daughters school but she still seems so unhappy! she says that the girl is not being horrible anymore but she is not playing with the girls now as then she wont be able to pick on her, i just dont know what to do anymore! sad

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