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7 year old DS being rejected by whole class at 2 different schools - help...

(37 Posts)
HerNibs1980 Tue 05-Mar-13 12:35:03


My 7 year old son is finding it difficult to settle at school. He had the same problem at his old school, was constantly coming home saying no one played with him, and went a full school year without being invited to a single birthday party. We moved home as I needed to be closer to my university and my son had to change schools. I thought this would be good for him, a fresh start so to speak. But the problems are developing at this school as well. After the initial "new boy" interest had worn off, all the boys at his school now reject him constantly and my son ends up spending most play times alone. Every time he strikes up a friendship with a new child, within a couple of weeks the child is rejecting him again and being rude and refusing to play with my son.

I have spoke to the school many times asking for help. As I am at University I rarely do drop off or pick ups so I do not know any of the mums in his class to be able to ask children over to play. They suggested they ring a couple of mums about possible play dates which I was very happy about. That was 3 months ago and every time I remind them I get told they will ring the parents when they get a chance. I'm getting to the end of my tether and can see me going in to the school and starting to get really angry about it as I just feel they arent doing anything. my son has started begging not to go to school as he is so fed up of constantly being on his own and even asked me to Google what to do if you have no friends today. It is breaking my heart. I have organised a big birthday party for him in August and am going to invite the whole class, but at this rate I am worried no children will show up and will break his heart.

What makes it worse is his younger brother is getting on great and has been invited to 2 birthday parties and I can see the disappointed dejected look on my older sons face everytime he comes home with an invite.

I just dont know what to do, the whole thing is breaking my heart as I can see how hurt he is, and I just dont understand why these kids are being like it with him, as he is such a lovely, lively funny little boy at home. I just dont get it. He isnt sporty or anything, and he likes science and maths, so you could class him as a bit geeky with regards to his interests, but I dont know why that would stop him even being able to make 1 single friend.

I went into the school to speak to the teacher again today and ended up bursting into tears as it has been going on for over a year and a half now, it's like he walks around with a sign on his back saying "I'm the kid to tease and ostricise". I just dont know what to do.

Any advise greatly received.

givemeaclue Tue 05-Mar-13 13:59:21

Oh gosh no party in August isn't ideal. People on hols, people forget because they aren't
at school etc

Lancelottie Tue 05-Mar-13 14:03:18

Don't reject the girls as potential friends. A good feisty tomboy (sorry for appalling stereotyping) can be just what a slightly left-out boy needs to haul him into the thick of things. One of mine is now 13 and is regularly carted around town still by a couple of female friends. They're all into drama, songwriting, swimming and being rude about football.

Blu Tue 05-Mar-13 14:03:45

Oh, bless him, he's young in his year then, and immature compared to some others?

The chances are he will learn to absorb the nuances of socialising as he grows up a bit.

I am no expert in these things, but I wonder if it would help to suggest that he watches what other people do and follows their lead in how friends deal with each other? Talk to him about some of those issues and how they make other people feel.

Show him how pigeons fly off if you try and make friends by chasing them or being over-friendly, but come to you if you sit quietly and show that you are prepared to share your crumbs?

Set up some conventions amongst all your children - take it in turns to decide the game, and if someone says they don't want to play, they don't get to choose the next game?

He has you on his side, so he'll develop smile

Bramshott Tue 05-Mar-13 14:07:22

I wouldn't wait for the school to set up the playdates TBH. Can you find out who he'd like over, and then send a note in in an envelope which says something like "DS would really like your DS to come over and play - could you give me a call on XX number to see if we can arrange a date?"

BeckAndCall Tue 05-Mar-13 14:11:20

Don't wait til August to arrange something - can you invite the class over fro an Easter egg hunt, for example, in the holidays? Or invite your younger DS's friends and their mums and any older siblings over for an afternoon?
That way you can watch your DS interact with others and see if you can spot any issues you could help him with.

Also,does the school not have a friendship bench or equivalent where he can go at play time - where someone (an older child or a pair from his own class ) is on call to play with children who have no one to play with that day? I've seen this at my DCs' schools and it works well- in the longer term, you could suggest such a scheme at your school?

HerNibs1980 Thu 07-Mar-13 21:53:32

Exexpat, just wanted to say a big thank you for suggesting that book. It came through the post today and have just finished the first 2 chapters. Its brilliant and has ideas in there I hadn't even thought of. [Grin]

HerNibs1980 Thu 07-Mar-13 21:54:13

Well that was supposed to be a grinning smiley but didnt work. Lol.

exexpat Fri 08-Mar-13 10:15:17

Great, I hope it really can help.

HerNibs1980 Fri 08-Mar-13 18:17:04

Fingers crossed. smile

Magdalena45 Fri 15-Mar-13 16:26:44

I am concerned that people are assuming that, because this has happened in 2 schools, it means it is something your son is doing... It may NOT be. A lot of bullying is random. Or, the previous bullying may have knocked his confidence; bullies then sense this and single out the same kid. Of course it's important to look at all sides of these situations, but is very possibly not due to your son's behaviour at all!

AngryFeet Sun 12-May-13 18:14:01

Sorry to drag up an old thread but just wondering how you are getting on hernibs? I have the same problem with my 6YO DS. He is in year 2 now and still has no friends (after 3 years at the school inc nursery). He is very immature for his age and has some SEN (no statement as we are not exactly sure what is wrong yet but his speech is behind and he has some motor skills issues). He also hates football and just plays by himself in the playground fairly happily but the boys seemed to take a dislike to him from the start and tease him/hit him and refuse to play with him or have him sit near them.

Socially he struggles to interact with them and I do understand the problem stems partly from him. The school have been brilliant at trying to help him socialise with games and groups he attends with the SENCO. Sadly I feel like the other kids view of him is tainted and will never change but he doesn't want to move classes and keeps plodding on. He has great relationships with the adults (teacher, TA's etc) and seems happy but I find it quite hard although I never show him that.

To be honest me and his teachers have regular conversations and try different things but nothing works. The boys who were horrible to him were told that they didn't have to play with him if they didn't want to but to leave him alone and not tease him. The problem is now he tries to approach them and they blank him and walk away. He rarely gets invited to birthday parties and is aware as the others hand out invites to everyone but him sad Even playdates are a struggle as the parents of the one boy he really likes turn us down everytime.

He is currently being assessed by a developmental paediatrician which I hope will help.

Anyway just to say I really sympathise. It is so hard and when nobody knows how to help you feel completely alone sad

NotInTheMood Fri 24-May-13 22:20:55

I cold of wrote some of your post. M ds 8 also has SEN because of his speech and language etc which is effecting his schooling. For some reason friends in his class have turned against him and do not want to play. He used to be fairly popular and went on play dates and parties at the start of the year but now along of the kids in his class are forming groups. There has been a lot boisterous behaviour which my child doesn't really deal with and fallen out in the class. Ds just doesn't seem to fit in anymore and says every one hates him and no one wants to play with him. My heart is breaking for him :-(

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