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Help please, wonderful DD having a v tough time

(30 Posts)
OneLieIn Fri 25-Jan-13 15:16:39

Oh wise people, please help.

DD (year 7) has had the same friends for 4 or 5 years. The group dynamic changed as it does with girls. So rather than being a tight knit group of 4, it is three against 1.

There's been a lot of lying by the three "We're not doing this" type stuff when really they are so that DD doesn't know. There's been a lot of v hurtful comments "you are our lapdog", "we wish you were dead" and some minor mean physical exclusion, pushing DD off a bench, pulling her chair away as she sat down, saying I will pair with you in PE, then refusing at the last minute so DD is left alone.

DD is isolated, alone. She eats lunch alone. BUT she loves these girls and wants to be their friend. DH and I are encouraging her to stand up for herself and remove herself so she doesn't keep getting hurt emotionally by their cruelty. One of the girls said "I will talk to you before school, but can't talk to you in school", so DD stopped going to that girl's house before school.

How can I help her? She looks terrible, dark circles, has a constant headache and wants Calpol every day, is still eating well, but I am worried.

I stepped in before Christmas and texted the other mums (who are all lovely people and friends of mine) with mixed response. I have called the class teacher and am waiting for a callback.

How can I help?

StitchAteMySleep Mon 28-Jan-13 10:52:56

I was bullied by a group of girls in a very similar way to this. The more I tried to be friendly with them (roll over to their demands), the worse it got. It got physical, they broke into my house, stole from me etc... Only when I got tough, stopped showing them I cared did it stop after 4 years. My mum speaking to the school and some of their parents really did nothing as much of what they did flew under the radar.

What helped me was outside of school activities that boosted my confidence. My counselling would have helped if I had not still been in the school around these same girls, I tried, but it left me too raw, unprotected and emotionally more vulnerable to their attacks.

It had a huge effect in my confidence for years. Unfortunately for me some of the friends and social activities that I became involved in in order to be liked/have friends later on were less than positive.

If I were you I would get your daughter involved in something like a martial art or drama group that would give her more confidence and remove her from the school ASAP. It could happen again elsewhere, but at least she will have a chance for the seed of confidence to grow and take root without it being pruned out of existence by the behaviour of this group of girls.

I wish I had moved school when I had the chance. My brother had a similar experience and did move school, made lovely new friends and didn't have a lot of the issues I had.

StitchAteMySleep Mon 28-Jan-13 10:59:50

Oh and I forgot to say that as her parent it is your say about her phone, she has to allow you open access or no phone. If you can block numbers great if not new phone, that line of communication/abuse must be stopped or it will be a way for them to erode any new found confidence she has. The same for online methods too.

OneLieIn Mon 28-Jan-13 12:51:16

Thanks all. *stitch@ you are right about the phone and we had a chat about it last night, let's test it and see.

Yesterday dd got a text from one of the three, the one who was her bff saying how she was sorry and she wanted to make it up to her and would dd forgive her? DD was amazingly excited that all was suddenly right with the world until we spoke to her and said think about what you want her to do and make sure she knows. You want her to stand up for you when the others are mean, to be a proper friend. dd didn't want to say that so just said about how hurt her feelings had been.

I cannot help but think this will be bad. We reminded her about "You are our lapdog" and how she must stand up for herself. Only by standing up for herself has the bff come to any sense (if it is true).

OMG, pre-teen girls...

Labro Thu 31-Jan-13 15:19:25

Unfortunately its not just girls. My ds is going through similar at the hands of a ringleader boy. It all came to a head yesterday as he was caught red handed by a teacher. I thought that would mean that the head would be involved, instead I received a message that ringleader would be sent to the head 'if' he did it again! Ringleader has been told this 4 times now. I've pointed out to the school that empty threats are useless, they tried to say ringleader and the others didn't fully understand and thought it was a joke, but thats rubbish, my ds understands hurtful behaviour and not to do it so surely they do??? Hoping your dd is able to find a new friendship group xx

Magdalena45 Fri 01-Feb-13 13:21:46

Just wondered how you are getting on?

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