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Can you please help clarify what the nature of this is? DH wants police involved.

(149 Posts)
cressidacow Sun 23-Sep-12 08:38:35

Have name-changed.

Ds, 12, throughout Y7 has been bullied by one child in particular, I will call him Tony. I have lsited events below so hopefully it is easier to read:

Tony has repeatedly called ds names ie "dyslexic" and laughing at how he walks (ds has SEN and is being assessed for dyspraxia).

During a swimming lesson, Tony held ds' head under the water 4 times, each time for and estimated 7 or 8 seconds. Ds repeatedly told him to stop. When ds tried to get out of the pool, Tony grabbed him by the leg and pulled him back in.

Tony has asked ds to give him money.

Tony told ds he was going to come into his bedroom and strangle him on an upcoming school trip abroad.

All the above has been reported to school by email.

We nearly pulled ds out of the trip abroad but he was keen to go so we relented after expressing our concerns to the teacher organising the trip. She said (in her words) that they would "look after him like he was our own son".

During the trip Tony and 3 other boys (Year 9s) repeatedly came into the room ds was sharing with a friend. Firstly the boys were just throwing things around but then, late at night, they came in. One sat on ds's feet whilst another sat over ds' face and rubbed his balls in ds's face. Another boy got into bed with ds, put his arms round him and started humping against him (in ds' words) "he was trying to have sex with me". Tony was present during all this but ds cant be sure who did what because the lights were out.

Ds' roommate had locked himself in the bathroom during all of this. Both he and ds were told they would be beaten up if they reported it. According to ds' roommate, while he was hiding he could hear the boys talking about deleting pictures they had taken with their phones. Ds's roommate refuses to tell the school because he is petrified.

Ds told us after Tony had allegedly assualted another boy in the PE changing rooms last week.

If you have read this far, I thank you.

Please could someone advise how far we should take things. We have been in to see pastoral head on friday. We want to know what we can realistically expect the school to do.

Pancakeflipper Sun 23-Sep-12 11:42:05

Get screenshots of his FB page

Pancakeflipper Sun 23-Sep-12 11:43:01

I mean twitter, oh it's all the same to me!

CouthyMowWearingOrange Sun 23-Sep-12 11:50:51

I really WOULD move his school. Yes , you can deal with these incidents with the school, but in sending him back into an environment where serious sexual assaults are classed as 'high jinks', I would not be prepared to put my DS back in that situation.

I am going through this (not as serious, but a sexual element to an assault on my 8yo DS by DC's the same age), with a Governor's complaint. If the situation is not resolved to my satisfaction, I WILL be removing my DS2 (also dyspraxic with other SN's too), even if I have to HE him due to a lack of places in his bulge year.

I feel awful every day knowing that I am sending him into an environment where he is at risk from assaults like this, but it is only until I have a conclusion from my Governor's complaint.

It is an awful place to be in as a parent.

7to25 Sun 23-Sep-12 11:55:14

If this is a private school then Tony can be summarily expelled.
Demand this of the head. you have enough justification. if you do not get the result you want, then publicise the incidents (press) the school will do everything to avoid that.
The teacher who promised to look after your son should be formally reprimanded IMO

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed Sun 23-Sep-12 12:01:26

Re-read your post, replacing your "son" with your "daughter".

If older boys did anything like this to a younger girl, you would have no qualms about going to the police, the governers and as high up as you needed to.

Just because your son is a boy doesn't mean he hasn't been violated in the same way as a girl would be.

The only difference is that some people dismiss it as "boys messing around". It isn't; it's assault.

Viviennemary Sun 23-Sep-12 12:02:35

I think you should put your complaints in writing (not e-mail) to the school with a copy to your local education authority. And you could have reported the swimming pool incident to the staff at the pool. How dangerous.

Just read the post again properly. Get the police involved. This is serious stuff. Other children could be at risk as well as your own.

Viviennemary Sun 23-Sep-12 12:03:12

Sorry just to add I wouldn't be sending my child to this school. It sounds horrendous.

JustSpiro Sun 23-Sep-12 12:03:42

The actions of these boys, particularly 'Tony' is disgusting and terrifying in equal measure. TBH I would be keeping him out of school and bringing out the big guns - head teacher, board of Governors, regulating body for private schools - not sure if they come under OFSTED and definitely the police.

Hope your boy is ok.

Have you been on touch with the other lad's (the one who locked himself in bathroom on the trip) parents? I would think tackling this together may help in lots of ways, both practical and in terms of emotional support.

Themumsnot Sun 23-Sep-12 12:04:10

When I read your OP my first reaction was call the police. Now I've read the rest of the thread I am even more of that opinion. To be frank, I am not sure what is causing you to hesitate about taking that course of action. Contacting the governors is necessary, but not in any way sufficient. The school is clearly minimising and I should have said are likely to continue stonewalling you. Your son is never going to be safe in their care.

cressidacow Sun 23-Sep-12 12:08:10

CouthyMowWearingOrange, so sorry to hear your ds is also going through shit. Isnt it heartbreaking? Stay in touch and let me know what happens with your ds.

I am busy looking though the school Exclusion policy and Bullying policy. There is so much to do, I want us to be absolutely sure that tomorrow morning we are well prepared.

I am fucking seething. The more I think about what ds went through, the angrier I become. Lucily we have some photographs because someone used ds' digital camera to take pictures. The photos arent of the worse bits but they do show ds being held up against a wall and a much bigger, older child holding the door shut.

cressidacow Sun 23-Sep-12 12:14:17

JustSpiro, the Independent Schools Inspectorate are like Ofsted. We will be informaing them too. Thnaks for the suggestion.

This is much bigger than I realised. I have let ds down. sad Dh and I have talked about this pretty much non-stop since thursday. It becomes hard to keep perspective. Thats why all your opinions are so helpful. I can see how bloody obvious it is now that this needs very drastic action.

burmac Sun 23-Sep-12 12:51:01

You have not let him down - the school has

TheOneAndOnlyMaryZed Sun 23-Sep-12 13:06:15

You haven't let him down.

In fact, it is good that he has come to you with this. His desire to protect other children means he is happy for you to go to the school, and he will speak up about it.

He is very brave. If more kids stood up to these sorts of bullies the world would be a better place.

Pancakeflipper Sun 23-Sep-12 13:08:38

You have not let him down. You are in shock. It's unbelievable isn't it that this can happen at school and be classified as high jinks. Gather your evidence in. Note in diary form when events happened and see the police.

I honestly admire you on how you are dealing with it because I think I would be feeling almost murderous to Tony and his gang.

daytoday Sun 23-Sep-12 13:56:55

Be strong.

Your son has done nothing.

Tony is dangerous and damaged.

If Tony were my son - bloody hell I'd want to know.

If Tony is doing this to your son, he probably has a track record.

You are doing this for the benefit of every child in that school.

Forget about imagining if it were a girl, imagine if it were YOU. You go on a work trip and this happens?

I would demand him to expelled. The school can argue their case to high heaven.

On the positive side - this will Never happen to your son again. What a hero for telling you. Now that takes courage. Do not let the school or the teachers interrogate your son - he has been upset enough. You are his advocate.

Badvoc Sun 23-Sep-12 14:03:21

And the yourself some legal representation.
Oh, and obv move your son from That awful school!!

bringbacksideburns Sun 23-Sep-12 14:05:54

God, how awful. Your poor boy.

Yet another one who thinks the Police should be involved.

amillionyears Sun 23-Sep-12 14:15:09

Make copies of the emails you have already sent to the school.
Get evidence of everything you can,duplicated if necessary.
Evidence and more evidence.
Good luck to you and all your family op.

3littlefrogs Sun 23-Sep-12 14:16:17

You are paying for your son to attend this school.

You can choose to take him out.

In many ways you have more power than if you were dealing with a state school.

The HT will be concerned about the reputation of the school because they need the fees.

Your son has been seriously assaulted several times.

I agree you should be writing all of this down and calling the police.

3littlefrogs Sun 23-Sep-12 14:18:53

Absolutely agree that you son should not speak to anyone except the police.

Definitely not any of the school staff.

There are sinister overtones to this. How did this boy get access to a bedroom where there were younger children?

I would want to get my child out of that school immediately.

swooosh Sun 23-Sep-12 14:24:02

How awful, your poor ds sad definitely police

seeker Sun 23-Sep-12 14:27:04

Police. Can you ring them now?

And keep him off school.

As it's not a state school, you don't, unfortunately, have the LEA as back up, but you also need to find a way to protect other children in the school, if the Head is useless. I hesitate to suggest it, but - Press?

WilfSell Sun 23-Sep-12 14:27:57

Oh god how awful. Your poor boy. How brave of him though to tell you about it.

I agree with others - do not give the school warning of your intention to involve the police. They need a ton of bricks crashing round their head, and social services examining their safeguarding procedures in close detail. The assaulting children need to be removed from the school and face some serious consequences and intervention.

And if I was in your shoes, whatever temporary discomfort it may involve, I would move my son from that school instantly. I imagine his friends' parents, once you tell them what happened also, may feel the same, so he may not be moving on his own?

Goldelephantslikedowntonabbey Sun 23-Sep-12 14:29:17

Its serious. The police need imforming.
Hope that something will be done, the bully should get a record for assult

ggirl Sun 23-Sep-12 14:36:00

I am so shocked by the schools attitude in these bullies!!

I would definitely NOT be sending my ds back there.

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