Restorative procedures in school and WWYD

[hadenoughofschool]

Name changed for this, sorry, long ...

My DD age 12 is in a friendship group with several girls; one girl is being excluded from the group because the others don't like her. There appears to be a reason for this, she seeks to constantly belittle the other girls, teases them and harass them physically. I don't think she knows what normal behaviour is as her mother who is a single parent appears to be rather odd, and I would say she is suffering from a mental illness or personality disorder and is a very cunning and manipulative person. I have tried to be nice to both the girl and the mother, inviting the girl round, trying to make my daughter to be friends with her and being friendly to the mother. My daughter and the other girls feel sorry for her which is the reason why they haven't told her to get lost, but as time goes on they are finding it less easy to conceal how they feel and the girl is starting to feel excluded from the group. They have tried to talk to the girl but she is in denial about everything.

The mother has now accused my daughter of bullying, the reason for this is that she did not tag her in a Facebook photo. I have told the school and suggested their restorative justice procedure as a way forward. I also told them my opinion of what was actually happening in the friendship group. However my DD does not want to take part in it because she things the other girl will deny everything and get away with it.

Furthermore there were a number of incidents last term in which about 12 other children in the class were accused of bullying this girl. This occured after the girl shot a rather humiliating video on her phone of a boy in class which ended up on You Tube. The mother went to the school and blamed other children for the upload (though she could not deny her daughter had actually filmed it). This led to conflict in the class leading to children being accused of bullying and while 1 or 2 had been nasty, most of them had done nothing and the mother also trawled Facebook using her daughter's login,taking prints of anything that could damage these children and brought them to the school.

I spoke to the director of student needs a couple of days ago and she said if my DD refused the restorative justice procedure they would have to involve "outside bodies", which I took to be a threat. She also accused me indirectly of pursuing a vendetta against the other mother when nothing could be further from the truth. I do not know her well but have been nice to her and met her 3 times for coffee over the year or so that the girls have been at the school. She also said that I would also have to go through a restorative process with the other parent which I refused to do, stating that I did not think it was appropriate especially given her apparent mental health issues.

The other mother appears to be very friendly with a member of the Senior Leadership team, who the girl has been observed to meet with everyday, and furthermore the mother was invited onto the Parent Leadership Group recently again by this same teacher. I think there is something going on here but don't know what.

Incidentally, my initial contact with the school was about 10 days ago and they have not attempted to talk to my daughter or any of the other girls about it. I don't know whether to try and make my daughter go through the restorative process against her will or stand my ground on the grounds my daughter has done nothing wrong, but that will leave the problem unresolved. I am also tempted to make a strong complaint to the Head about how this matter has been handled.

WWYD?

[antshouse]

It seems like the girl's mum is mortified that she took the video footage of the boy and is now trying to deflect attention from her DD by blaming every one else of bullying.
I think I'd let the school try and sort it out first and warn your daughter to do nothing else to give the girl's mum ammunition to accuse your daughter.
I don't allow my daughter doesn't tag anyone but herself on facebook photos. Her friends then tag themselves if they want to.

[jammydodger1]

omg what a terrible situation, what exactly do they do in justice procedure? it sounds very extreme, we all know girls of that age can be cruel and it sounds like this girl can be very manipulative, it sounds like she is playing on her mothers weakness and the fact her mother knows someone high up in school, first and foremost i wouldnt force your dd to do anything, she knows what going on at school and it sound like this girl is targetting her proberably because your dd is being nice and trying to solve the situation, If I were you I would sit down with your dd and talk to her about how she feels the situation should be handled, expressing that it upsets you when you think she is being bullied which it sounds as if this other girl is taking advantage of your dd trying to be nice, and you want to help solve the situation, find out if any of the other girls mums would be prepared to talk to you as it sounds like you are trying to take this on by yourself and if she does know someone high up in school then you need as much info as you can get, when you have your information I would contact the school and ask for a meeting with the head teacher to put your point across, Justice Procedure sound like something from the dark ages I am not surprised that your dd doesnt want to do it, but the only way you are going to deal with this manipulitive woman is calmly and with facts she cannot deny, 12 year olds can be surprisingly mature when it comes to situations like this and providing you keep the communication up with your dd you'll sort this, please let me know what justice procedure is though i am intrigued!!

[hadenoughofschool]

Antshouse and Jammydodger, hank you both for your words of wisdom.

I believe the restorative justice procedure involves the children in a meeting with a facilitator who asks them each what the problems are and what they want to go out of the process, to basically negotiate a settlement which involves compromise but which is acceptable to both. I believe the school employs an outside agency to run it but don't know anyone who has been through it.

The girl has not been in school the last two days and my dd said she felt so relaxed as normally she is wound up by this poor girl. You are so right that 12 year olds do have a clarity of though that I think I lack. I will see what the school does over the next few days and take it from there..

[antshouse]

Hi again, just to let you know there is a piece on restorative justice including in schools on Radio 4's woman' s hour this morning.
You should be able to get it on the 'listen again' facility on the bbc website.
Hope things calm down for your daughter soon.