Not sure if this is the right place, but how to help a child deal with social exclusion

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

My DD has just turned six, she's just gone into the second year of infants. The school made us aware last year there were instances of bullying, in particular social exclusion, but they were keen to point out that DD was not involved, either on the giving or receiving end.
This year, we went to parents evening, and were told that she is still struggling to make friends, or rather, she doesn't have set friends, and tends to be friends with everybody. They told us this was the best, though I was worried that she was missing out by not having a group of set friends.
Last few weeks, she has not been able to play with one group of friends because one other girl had been telling her that she wasn't allowed to play with her and the other two girls. DD had then spent lunchtime on her own.
I told DD that she should ask again to play with the girls, not the one saying no but the other friends, and if they didn't want to play, she had lots of other people to play with. She had a few lunches playing along side some other friends, but the odd lunch on her own, and even helping teachers.
Yesterday she came home from school telling me about a "special club" she is now in. The teachers have got six pupils together (none really anybody she would play with previously), they eat in the classroom and not in the dining hall with everybody else. They go back to the class and then they have their own area to play, away from the other children. There are group rules. Three of the other kids are the kids who would be on a red on a daily basis (the school operates a traffic light system for behaviour). Two of the others are sometimes amber students. DD is the only green studen. Lots of the other red/amber children are not in the group so I don't think these six have been taken aside for behaviour issues.
I haven't spoken to the school yet, DD didn't tell me until after her dance club, and when I phoned the school I only got the answer phone. I am hoping that DD has just got it arsewards, and this was only a one off thing, but it strikes me as more perm given there are group rules.
DH and I can only presume that some of the issue is that the six kids are being socially excluded, so they have been put together, possibly to make friends. But, I am concerned that if the reason they are being moved is due to social exclusion, it feels odd that further exclusion is how to tackle it.
I would like DD to be able to pick and choose her friends. It seems odd that she seems to be punished but the child saying she cant play with her friends is able to keep playing with the rest of the children.
How can I help DD deal with the social exclusion?
What should I say to the school?
If the school thinks this is the best option, what should I do?
And, if people can answer this, also... why are kids so mean?! I don't remember any meanness until secondary school and that was only about who had the biggest boobs!

[takeonboard]

That does sound very strange and its sounds as though the school were trying to raise it some time ago when they said she didn't have any set friends. How is DD is she upset, behaving differently or still quite happy at school?
I would definitely speak to the school and get the full story.

I have no idea why kids are so mean and I wish i knew the answer to that question.
I certainly didn't see any of this when I was at school.
I hope someone comes along with experience and advice for you soon. Good luck.

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

When they told us that she didn't have any set friends, both DH and I said we were concerned about this, but the teachers told us not worry, that it was better to be as she was, as some of the children find it hard to adjust if they fall out with that friend or they are not there etc.
They were very keen for us not to worry both times they mentioned it. They said she was a lovely girl and a pleasure to have in the class, and one of the sweetest children. Yeah, we know she's sweet, but we know she struggles to adapt to large groups of children. She usually is with adults or older children, so school is the first time she is with kids her own age.

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

Am at my parents, and about to have tea, so will check back when I get home. Feeling a bit sad on DD's behalf.
She seems okay, still happy to go to school, but I know she isn't happy about lunch times. She is also getting stomach aches, but not to stop her going to school, so hard to know whether an actual tummy ache or not! Presuming it is as DH has been poorly too with stomach pains, so think its geniune and just bad timing.

[Slambang]

Things to find out:

1. Does dd like the new club?
   
2. Is it compulsory or can she dip in and out of it according to whether she has a 'better offer' in the playground that day?
   
3. Are they working on social skills with this group?
   
4. Is it a long term or short term intervention?
   

Things to bear in mind:
A. The school are trying to help. The best approach for your dd is that you work with the school to solve whatever problems she is having.
B. This group may be exactly what dd needs.
C. Your aim could be to improve communication with the school so you know the answers to all the above and then you will have a clearer idea what next.

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

Thank you for the pointers. I am willing to support the school depending on their reasons but I admit I am a little peeved they didn't discuss with me beforehand. But I shouldn't be surprised as they didn't call me when she fell asleep in the class.
I still think it is a little odd given the problem appears to be social exclusion and this expands the issue. I know one of the other girls usually plays football so for her she is being stopped doing what she usually does.
Regardless I know the school is trying to help. I will phone them on Monday. At the moment though I am torn between being cross at the lack of conversation and being sad about dd struggling.

[DeWe]

From what you've written this could actually be a compliment to your child. It sounds like they've got a group of children that may be struggle socially and your dd has been put in as the responsible caring one.

They may well have chosen your dd as she doesn't have a best friend that it would be a little unfair to pull away from, but equally well it may be just that she gets on with them all and will be nice to them.

I would think it reasonable for you to ask what it is actually, because you can't get the full picture from your dd, partually because I doubt they've told her.

Infant school children can be horrible too. I had problems at primary, and no problems at secondary. One of the nastiest children I've come across was in year 1. She would make the most snide comments to the most vunerable children, and, yes, I think she knew exactly what she was doing. I think now, much older, she's nothing like as bad.

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

Well I spoke to DD's teacher today. The club has only just started, and it appears to be a bit more fluid that DD thought it was (I did think she was maybe a bit confused...).
It's been set up to allow the children who find lunch time a struggle to have some quiet time away from the main play area. I guess it is suppose to encompass those who have issues with other children, those who do not like to overwhelming playtime, and those who just want some peace and quiet.
They are supposed to be able to choose where they go at lunchtime. I'm not sure how it is all supposed to pan out; as if 20 children request to do it, how to they work that, or if there is only 1 child, are they effectively on their own? however, as its only just starting, I didn't ask too many questions about all of that as I guess the school wont know until its been running a while.
I know the school are trying to help. I do worry about DD at lunchtime/playtimes as she clearly is having trouble finding her feet. But, the main thing for me is that she's bright eyed and bushy tailed still, so it doesn't appear to be affecting her (aside from the very few days when she's been on her own at lunch).
I will have another chat with DD later. We're off to the doctors later about her stomach and headaches so will chat before hand.

[BackToBligg]

This is very interesting Elf. My daughter who is 8 is starting some similar sort of group next week. I am hazy on the details, but is in response to my chats to her teacher about being excluded from a main group in her class. It is like a friendship group, but I don't know what the rules are. We will find out.

On the other hand, I share your frustration that my DD is being sent to some group, but what happens to the girl that has decided to exclude my DD and use this weird power thing over her. I happen to know that her mother has sought counselling for her as she has behavioural problems at home. My DD is fast losing her confidence and finds it hard to talk in class now. Its really affecting her.