My 3yr old DD was choked at Preschool by another 3yr old girl

[MummyOfLittleBigGirl]

Morning,
I am new to Mumsnet & in need of some advice, please.

My DD started at a very reputable private preschool 2 weeks ago.

I picked her up very early last Friday & made a point of asking the teachers if my DD was happy & making friends.

The teachers said:
"yes, but there has been a little friction with another child. But they're playing nicely now."

I didn't think anything of it until my DD told me that the other child had put her hands around her neck and choked her.
Needless to say I was in shock!
I asked my DD exactly what happened and she told me that this was not the first time this child had done this.

It played on my mind all weekend, so on Sunday I emailed the teachers & the parents of this child to inform them that I was aware of what happened.

My partner told me not to email and so speak to the teachers on Monday.
I told him that the teachers had ample time to tell me on Friday but they didn't. Choking is something that I will not tolerate, especially at such a young age! My DD said it is not the first time this child had done it.

The email reply I received from the parents of the child was extremely defensive. They said that this was a "minor situation" and told me to "refrain from any further correspondence on the matter".

Yesterday, I spoke to the teachers and they explained that the other child choked my daughter for no reason, was put on time-out and told to apologise. The teachers had to record the incident and also checked my DD's neck for bruising.

This morning I dropped my daughter at school, as per usual, but I told her not to play with the child who choked her. I was greeted by my DD's teacher who said that the head of pre-school wants to speak to me today before pick-up.

I am absolutely angry at the way this whole situation has panned out and I'm ready to meet the head BUT I feel that it should not have come to this.
I should have been told by the teachers not by my distressed 3 yr old!

However, I don't want to loose my cool at the school - any advice would be much appreciated.

Has anyone else had this type of thing happen to them?
What advise would you give?
What would you do?
Thank you in advance!

[GypsyMoth]

Well it's not bullying is it!?

No way should you have emailed the parents! Speak to the teachers, always. Maybe the parents have complained to the head

[PorkChopSter]

I would not have emailed the parents.

I would have gone in this morning, asked if the teacher was aware of what happened, was there an incident report and what were their plans to ensure it didn't happen again.

And I would start thinking about how I would feel and what I would want to happen if it had my child who had been naughty.

[wordsonapage]

How did you get the parents email address?

[Giddly]

You need to check what happened - 3 year olds are not exactly reliable historians. If there were no marks it may indeed have been a very minor incident and "choking" may be a rather emotive and over-dramatic way of describing it.

[MummyOfLittleBigGirl]

Thank you BeerTricksPotter & ILoveTIFFANY
In the back of my mind I knew it wasn't the correct way to go about things.
I thought that if the teachers didn't tell me about the incident they most certainly didn't tell the parents of the other child. I had no guarantee that they would, that is why I sent the email.

My DD has told me that this is not the first time, hence the reason why I placed it under this section of "Bullying". When I spoke to the teachers, on Monday, they told me that it is just my DD & the other child. With the other child always starting on my DD.

Perhaps the parents did complain to the head, I don't know, I'll find out later today why I'm going to see the head.

All I know is that my DD was choked, continues to be picked on by this child and I still do not have any concrete resolution. I don't know what to say to the head and truth be told, I've got a horrid pit-of-the-stomach ache when I am anywhere in the vicinity of the school.

My DD loves her new school, her uniform and all the other stuff but this has really taken its toll on my stress levels.

[GypsyMoth]

My eldest is in last year of 6th form! There are always going to be problems along the way. Try not to stress too much

[WhereTheWildThingsWere]

They are only three! It is just one of those things. When ds started foundation 1 two children wrapped a skipping rope around his neck and pulled on either end. they were not trying to kill him, just playing in an inapropriate way.

It was a bit scary being told about it, but I certainly saw no need to take it any further.

I think you just need to put it out of your mind if you can, it really isn't anything to do with bullying.

[MummyOfLittleBigGirl]

Thank you for your replies.

wordsonapage - the school sent out the email addresses to all of the parents who have children in that class.

PorkChopSter & Giddly - I spoke with the teachers yesterday and they wrote down everything in an incident report. The teacher verified everything that my DD told me. The teacher spoke to the child who choked my DD and when asked why she did choked my DD, the child shrugged her shoulders.

The teacher (who witnessed the choking bit) told me it was choking hence the reason why she had to check for bruising.

Raising a child is a job in itself... never knew it would be this stressful.. I thought that the stress was taken away with the placenta....

[SoupDragon]

No,art of your brain was taken away with the placenta, leaving a good space for guilt and worry. :)

You should always deal wi things like this with the teacher/staff not the parents of the other child. Not least because small children often get stuff wrong.

[MumblingRagDoll]

Dont panic....thee things happen and for some of us it is harder to deal with. My DD was also in a nice private nursery....attached to a prep....she was stabbed in the face with a fork!

I was also very upset...t was fine in the end. The child responsible has learning difficulties and the situation was dealt with...I did panic a bit...but it was fine.

The nursery cannot control ALL the DC ALL the time. So things happen.

[MummyOfLittleBigGirl]

WhereTheWildThingsWere - my jaw dropped when I read your reply. Oh goodness me. You are so very good to have handled the way you did. (Unlike me..)

BeerTricksPotter - Yes, it is! I do feel rather let down so early on into school term.

ILoveTIFFANY & BeerTricksPotter - I will take your advice and try not to fret.

This is all so very new to me as I am sure it was for you.

Thank you all so very much!
I'm extremely sorry if I placed this post in the wrong section.

[eaglewings]

The term chocked is very strong. This would imply that your DD's airway was compromised. If no bruising was found at the time or spotted by you later this would indicate that the child had their hands round her throat but not much prsessure.

This is still upsetting for your dd but not chocking

You were wrong to email the parents and they were correct in their answer.

It is hard when you first send you pfb to nursery but you have to remember that you have given them control over your child as have all the other parents

They need to deal with the discipline as they see fit, which they did. Time out and an apology is correct.

[pyjamasinbananas]

What happened with the head?