am getting very farking sick of psychological bullying...DD is sobbing because of it and it has to stop

[boyoboy]

She is going to lose the plot..

Her confidence is zero...she told me today that a note I had sent in about an unfinished peice of work was read out to the class by the said bully whilst the teache was out of the room!!!!!! WTF!!!. DD said the girl got the note from the teachers desk and read it out!!

She is isolated by this girl, and sits alone at dinner time, playtime games are warped to suit so that DD is always "on"...

Im sick of telling DD to ignore it...each item in isolation is small and meaningless but the cumilative effect is devastating her..

I have addressed it very clearly with the school and they have made a few gestures, talked about bullying.

I have been very specific about ho the ring leader is and if nothing more is done I will speak to the childs mother (In a reasonable way)...it is absolutely fucking killing me seeeing DD so sad...she was telling me tonight that for last week lunchtime she sat alone as the tables had no spaces for her and nobody would join her so she wasnt alone..

I am so sick of the lot of them...DD isnt an angel and nobody has to like everybody, but really she doesnt deserve this.

[OpusProSerenus]

So sorry for you and your DD. I have been through this with my DD and it is soul destroying. All I can say is keep going, work with school (make them work with you if it's not easily forthcoming) and eventually things will work out. Incidentally I did speak to the girl's mother and she was as rude and unpleasant as her daughter, so don't hold out too much hope!

Your support will be invaluable to her so I would go in and tell school politely but firmly what the situation is and ask them for a plan of how to deal with it.

In time it improved and now my DD is older she is far more successful in so many ways than her bully

[boyoboy]

Tahnkyou Opus :) x....grateful for support...it IS hearbreaking..as they are recounting the days issues and you can hear their voice straining not to cry and their chins crunch up and begin to wobble....

I want so to take her place just for one day, I would make these bullys sorry for their actions :(

[lucykate]

i really feel for you. my dd was attacked in the playground last week by a classmate, she came home with bruises and scratches on her. the school are keeping the culprit away from dd, but just wanted to say, as far as talking to the mum, it can be so hit and miss. as opus says, the parents can be as unpleasant as the children, although the mum of the child that attacked dd did come and speak to me, she was mortified and was in tears she was so upset by what her dd had done and was very apologetic. do you know the mum?, how do you think she'd react?

[quirrelquarrel]

At least she's talking to you! And telling you what happened. But the note reading out is awful. Wonder why they did it- not v. interesting, a note about work?

Once my mum asked me, "are you popular?" and I was firstly so dumbfounded that my status didn't stand out all over me and then so ashamed that I hardly answered her. Here it's really important if you're popular or unpopular- which is strange because you hardly need a reason to have the whole year shunning you. Whereas where she's from you need a real reason, like you're mean or untruthful or something. So I should have figured it out and known she'd have understood. But it's so easy to get sucked in and think to yourself that you deserve it and to just ignore it. This "ignore it" advice is really terrible.
I never talked to my parents about that kind of thing. And I still had friends, so they never suspected anything.

[thisisyesterday]

i would take her out of school (if that's possible) until they can deal with it properly

how old is she? do you know the other child's mum?

it isn't something i'd advise in the first instance, but if school is doing nothing then i would have no qualms about talking to her parents and telling them that it HAS to stop

[RandomMess]

I'd start putting your complaints in writing, much harder for the school not to deal with it. So for your dd.

[boyoboy]

I (without DD)went to the HM on Thursday as things got too much and I really felt like I was going to lose it.

I explained what happened and told the HM that she needed to sort it that day. She asked me to name names and I did...she is aware of the ringleader child and was grateful for the information given...she sat ALL the girls down after speaking to DD in private - she then adressed the letter issue.

HM said to ALL the girls "do not be afraid to come to me personally no matter how small the incident, I want to know about everything, this cannot continue".....DD seemed a little relieved and has now been singing like a bird everytime something has been said :)...HM said to me "I really dont mind how many times DD comes to tell me, I will never turn her away, the more others see her sharing what has happened with me, then hopefully the more others will too....bullys like secrets and we dont have secrets here"

I will see if things improve, DD does seem a little more empowered, I dont think this particular girl will change overnight but it is a start, thankyou all for your words of support :)

[thisisyesterday]

i hope things do improve for her, i was bulied at school and it's just horrible

[mightymouth]

Dear Boyoboy
while I am glad the HM is taking some notice of what has been happening to your daughter I don't agree with her strategy! By making your daughter come and tell her all the time, she is turning her into a 'grass' and putting too much responsibility on the victim to tell. She should be proactively working with all those other girls without even identifying DD as the victim.

This behaviour will not change unless they do group work and make it unacceptable to behave like this, breaking the hold of the ring leader so some girls become friends with your daughter.

I work with the Bullying Intervention Group and we feel there should be ways of reporting bullying safely that others do not know about and perhaps signals that DS can provide to show she is OK/not OK, so teachers can regularly check on her, but not this overt running to the head all the time. It also makes DS dependent on the HM rather than helping her to choose how she wants to address it. She needs to be helped to deal with it in a positive way rather than being made to feel helpless. There is a page for parents on our website.

[giyadas]

Your HM sounds like she cares a great deal but I think mightymouths post is spot on. I hope things start to turn around and your dd goes from strength to strength.