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Wha do you do if a bully from an old school moves to your childs new school?

(29 Posts)
BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Tue 09-Nov-10 21:51:19

Ds was at a school for a short time a couple of years ago and was bullied by one boy since he first day. The child was violent towards ds, pushing him into tables (in front of the head), punching him and slamming a door on his hand. He was part of the reason why I moved ds out of the school, his mother collered me in the playground and started complaining that her son now had detention because of ds (this was after he slammed a door onto ds's hand) hmm
Ds has been at his secondary school since September, he doesn't like it as it's a treck and he's finding it difficult to make friends. The bully walked up to ds this morning and hit him (lightly) across the head and asked ds if he remembered him. It's been a couple of years but I'm very worried. What should I do?

littleducks Tue 09-Nov-10 21:54:57

The little sod!

Could you approach the school and explain the history and ask them to keep a close eye in light of the history

EccentricaGallumbits Tue 09-Nov-10 21:55:43

flag it up to the school now. phone the head of year and tell them exactly what happened last time. let hem know that te bulyin wil not behapning again.

for your DS - ask him not to react to the bully at all. to ignore him completely. to not even talk about him to his other friends (you don't want it getting twisted around and for anyone to think it is your DS talking/spreading rumours/doing the bullying).

if your DS will get him to talk to his form tutor or mentor about it. ad make him know that he can report any sort of bullying at all.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Tue 09-Nov-10 21:59:01

I'm just so sad for ds. He's not really been happy there anyway and is just starting to feel better about going there. I'd like to think that this boy has changed over the past 2 years, hitting him on the head though hmm

I'll email ds's personal tutor and I've told ds to stay away from him. From what I remember though he used seek out ds so that he could hit him.

Thnk you for replying smile

EccentricaGallumbits Tue 09-Nov-10 22:00:50

sad poor DS.

AitchTwoOh Tue 09-Nov-10 22:01:41

oh belle, how upsetting. you must want to throttle the little shitebag.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Tue 09-Nov-10 22:04:16

I do wish the little sod wasn't there, Ds has been through enough. sad

Valpollicella Tue 09-Nov-10 23:08:23

Oh no

As mentioned above, they need to know the full history from the previous school and incidents.

They then need to give you a full reassurance that this will be tacked straight away - the fact he has already hit your DS is indicative that he hasn't changed

Please be firm with them about setting meetings etc about this - as I'm sure you will be. Your poor DS

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Tue 09-Nov-10 23:12:15

I've just emailed this to the head of year and ds's tutor:
I apologise for contacting you regarding this but I thought that it was best that I notify you of this. 2 years ago ds was physically bullied by a boy who now attends your school and is in year. The bullying began within the first week of ds starting the school and continued on a regular basis until I removed ds. The bullying was persistent, the boy, little sod, would seek ds out in order to harm ds, on two separate occasions little sod pushed ds into tables in full view of the headmaster but this wasn't any deterrent as he continued. On one occasion little sod somehow managed to slam a heavy metal door on hand, his mother then found me in the playground when I collected ds and began to complain about little sod recieving a detention because of ds.
I would normally not say anything however ds has told me already that little sod introduced himself by smacking ds lightly over his head. ds is still settling in and I do know that he's still finding his move to secondary school very difficult. I have advised ds to stay away from little sod but given little sods tendency to find ds I feel that I should make you aware of the history between them.

Yours faithfully
Belledepissedoffmother

ForMashGetSmash Tue 09-Nov-10 23:18:05

I expect most MNers will tell me off and call me daft...but do you think DS could hit the little horror back? Or at least hit him back verbally? You know...find the kids weakness and throw out a couple of stinging insults?

Standing up to bullies is a major life lesson...we meet them all through life and there isn't always a person in charge to go to.

I know it's not what is advised...but it worked for me at the same age...and it's a pretty well known antidote to this kind of thing.

I know your way is probably best so ignore me...its what I learned at a crap rough high school

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Tue 09-Nov-10 23:27:41

I actually agree with you, ds is the size of a 9 year old though and this little sod's massive. He tried to hit back verbally to him before and he punched ds in the chest. There's a zero policy to bullying, they get one warning then they throw them out. The little sod's going to have to learn so it's in his best interests (and ds's) to know that any bulling is not tolerated.

Valpollicella Tue 09-Nov-10 23:34:17

Belle, I know I messaged you about this a while ago, and didn't send you details <bad Val>

But there is an amazing course re bullying. One of the brilliant things they teach is 'parroting'.

So. A bully says...'Oh, you're such a X' The response is...'Yes, I am an X. And?

The idea is is that by parroting it back they don't get the satisfaction of denial? iyswim

As you know I am madly busy but please remind me tmrw if you can at my work add and I can get the name of the amazing project that runs the course to you

ForMashGetSmash Tue 09-Nov-10 23:36:50

Get him to some kind of self defence class or Martial art...even if he's not the type. Bing able to physiclly look out for yourself is as important as being able to read and write in my opinion and especially for boys. not all kids enjoy this type of stuff but then not all kids like reading either...still just as important.

Yes...send the email...but you should also do something to help DS find some coping mechanisms....hard when faced with some brat who's bigger....one tip which I was given and which is a bit shock is that if someone is out to hurt you and they're bigger/stronger then there is no such thing as dirty fighting.

And insults shuld be given freely..and loudly every time the kid goes for him...no bully will search out a victim who is prepared to highlight their weakness' in a loud voice.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Tue 09-Nov-10 23:46:34

I'll chat to him about that val smile

It is important Mash. It's an all boys school so they are all fighting for a place IYKWIM. I've sent it, just so they are aware really. I'll have to talk him into the insults, he's a bit mild (or this just could be what he wants me to see)

ForMashGetSmash Tue 09-Nov-10 23:48:29

Oh golly...all boys! That's a whole new bal game! Cannot imagine the raging hormones!

Lets hope that it's something and nothing and the horror kid gets the same treament from a bigger lad!

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Tue 09-Nov-10 23:50:37

Yup. It's a great school though but OMG, it's like Lord of the Flies!

Tortington Tue 09-Nov-10 23:54:11

if the school did nothing, i would have a word with his mother to the effect that any injury my son sustained at her sons hands would have repercussions wink

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Tue 09-Nov-10 23:56:03

I doubt she collects her little darling! She actually moaned at me because her son got a detention for slamming a metal door on ds's hand! She obviously has an angel!

barristermum Wed 10-Nov-10 00:03:42

Hi Belle,

Just wanted to add support from another who sort of experienced the same as your DS. My bullies were followed by me from infant to junior school in a time when schools were a lot less enlightened on bullying.

At first I was floored by having to confront them again. I remember at first I couldn't even think when these people approached - it was as if my brain froze, my stomach churned and my skin prickled. sad But after I faced up to the fact they were still there and would be for the foreseeable future I found the 2 year breathing space had really helped me mature. I developed a vicious tongue and the first time I unleashed it was really liberating. They didn't bother me much after that and I went on to base a career on having a line in angry hostile unanswerable questions. grin

Your son needs the confidence to know he is more grown up than he was 2 years on. That this kid is not grown up enough to have moved on. That this kid is just testing to see if he can continue to exploit your son. That your son is not the new boy any more and can and must answer back with scorn and hostility as much as he likes.

I really do wish him well. I know that for him this is a disaster of immense proportions. But he is better-loved and therefore more powerful than his tormentor. I'm sure that for him, as it was for me, his parents' support is the strength he needs.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Wed 10-Nov-10 00:09:21

smile Thank you barristermum.

I'm so sorry for your experiences. I can't imagine how it must feel to look back and see how it had shaped you in a positive way though.

barristermum Wed 10-Nov-10 00:16:40

Don't be sorry - I think it was worse in some ways for my Mum than for me. I was an only child and it wasn't a wholly bad thing to discover the world wouldn't love me by right, and even better that ultimately I had the resources within me to deal with it.

But I do understand others are haunted by it for much longer, and I feel quite sure I'd murder any child who tried it with dd. I just wanted to try and sympathise but boost you both....

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Wed 10-Nov-10 00:19:57

I do wish the little sod wasn't there. I don't know any mother that doesn't want to protect her child (I'm sure there are some though). He needs to stand on his own two feet though but know that he's not alone in this. I hope he thinks this.

I'm off to bed. Thank you though smile

barristermum Fri 12-Nov-10 12:00:51

Belle just wondered how your ds was coping? If you're still here sending warm wishes.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Fri 12-Nov-10 23:27:25

Hi. He seems to be OK. The little sod's been well and truly warned to keep away from ds. He did speak to ds though and asked if they could forget about what they both did at the old school and start a fresh. It's something I suppose.

Thank you for asking smile I might get ds karate lessons aswell though. He needs to be able to defend himself.

kpies Sat 13-Nov-10 00:03:41

can I throw something into the ring? My s-i-l told me in the event of a child being bullied at school, you as the parent should demand to see their 'antibullying policy' and you want a report of how the school have implemented that policy in your child's case and what they plan to do in the immediate future. She works in an inner London school but in her experience even the most reluctant school staff have to show evidence of what they are doing and will do in order to safeguard the well being of a pupil.

I pulled this one on my ds High school and they practically fell over themselves to sort out a kid with a 'little man complex' who tried to beat up my 5'10" gentle giant.

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