guilt

[brewsterbear]

Hiya,

I haven't been around here for all that long but you all seem great with the feeding advice-

I was wondering whether anyone has any experience of feeling guilty failing to bf their first child and being successful on the 2nd?

My dd1 (who's 4) doesn't know at the moment that she wasn't breastfed and I don't think I want to tell her as she has gone breastfeeding mad feeding every doll in sight since having dd2 3 months ago -lol!

I hate lying to her but know she will be sad - I did express feed her for 6 weeks so when she asks if she had 'bub milk' I'm not strictly being untruthful but someone may well mention it eventually.

Sorry for being rambly but was hoping someone had been through similar?

[tiktok]

brewsterbear, did you put dd to your breast even once or twice? If so, you can say 'yes, mummy breastfed you as well' without lying. If it seems appropriate to give details, you can say it didn't work out well or for long, and that made you sad.

I think it is something that can stay with mothers for a long time....it's not 'guilt' so much as sadness and disappointment and a sense of loss. It's fine to have these feelings, and to understand that 'guilt' doesn't quite describe them. Guilt is for people who did something deliberately knowing it was wrong, and that does not match with most women's feeding experiences at all.

It's lovely she sees you bf and copies you. This is a wonderful gift for your future grandchildren, as she is old enough at 4 for this to be a consious memory as she grows up

[Clockface]

Not exactly, but please don't feel guilty. You did your best for your dd1. What more could you do?

And it's great that you can bf dd2. Don't let guilt take away any of the good of that.

If it's any help, your dc won't be overly pre-occupied about the way youfed them as they grow up - it's the way that you love and care for them that will make them who tthey are.

[Flibbertyjibbet]

Yes I ended up doing half and half mix feeding for 6 months with ds1 and feeling guilty as hell and a complete failure.
ds2 was fine, well apart from him being permenantly clamped on to me for the first 3 months!
I always assumed my mother bf all four of us, then when I was about to give birth to ds1 she told me not to worry if bf didn't work out as she had not managed it with my older sister.
My older sister knows this and is absolutely fine with it despite her having no probs at all with bf any of her three.
You don't have to tell a four year old how you fed her. You're not lying to her at all - she was fed breastmilk!
I've got boys but I think its faaaaaaab now I keep hearing of little girls pretending to bf their dollies!
My 4 y o son doesn't even realise he WAS ever a baby, so I think its hardly likely that your dd will say 'mummy did you bf me when I was a baby' for quite some time, and if she does, just say yes.

[brewsterbear]

Thanks all.... parenting is hard work huh- you think you have it sussed and then something else crops up! One of the most important things that should be told to new mums is you will probably feel guilty for something or other for the next 18 years!

I have said yes in a way as she mentioned to someone the other day that she fed ALL the time like her sister when she was a baby (completely made up as 4 year olds do ) and then said 'didn't I mum' so I agreed.

I think its so cute when I see her feeding to- we have pics which I'm sure will embarrass her when she's a teenager!

There are no mums in my area who bf so its nice to be able to discover people have similar experiences.

[undomesticatedgoddess]

Hi

Tried to breast feed DS1 but switched to formula quite early on. If only I'd known then what I know now. I had a v traumatic birth with DS1, milk didn't come in until day 8 and was completely unprepared for the realities of breast feeding. Felt guilty about it for years.

I am now successfully BFing DS2 who is 12wks old. It has actually made me feel less guilty as I realise I was up against it last time and switching to FF was the right thing to do for us. I also express and donate milk to special care baby unit which kind of lessens the guilt thing too as although didn't BF DS1 am now helping give lots of babies breast milk!

I told DS1 he didn't like breast milk and preferred formula. Bit naughty I know but he thought it funny that he had such strong taste preferences at such an early age. I offered him expressed milk to see if he liked it now - he didn't and hasn't bothered about it again.

You're probably having more of an influence on how DD1 will feed her children as she's seen you BF- a positive thing so don't feel guilty.

I think it's it's probably more of a mothers guilt thing rather than the kids being bothered. Mothers guilt - not just for christmas- with you for the rest of you life, or possibly longer. . . . . .. .