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i feel really guilty

(46 Posts)
starshaker Mon 02-May-05 09:46:57

when dd was born she was given to me and we did try and bf. she was not in the least bit interested she just screamed. we tried for 4 days and she didnt have anything never once managed to get her latched on and the only time she got something was when it was expressed and given to her. i eventually gave up as it was causing her so much distress and i dont think it helped that the midwife kept trying to get her on was a wee bit rough in my opinion but maybe it was normal anyway i feel really guilty that i didnt feed her myself and feel a bit disappointed in myself that i wasnt able to do it.

sorry just need a moan feeling a bit emotional at the mo but prob just the pg hormones going

starshaker Mon 02-May-05 09:51:21

not sure this even makes any sense just needed it out of my head

bobbybob Mon 02-May-05 09:51:47

How old is she now starshaker?

oops Mon 02-May-05 09:52:33

Message withdrawn

starshaker Mon 02-May-05 09:52:38

shes only a week and 3 days

starshaker Mon 02-May-05 09:53:58

it just feels like ive let her down cos i gave up

emmatom Mon 02-May-05 09:54:25

Don't feel guilty. You've fed your daughter. She's not hungry. She's thriving.

If you weren't feeling guilty about this, life would find something else to throw your way to feel bad about! Be easier on yourself my friend.

The ones who should feel guilty are those who say breastfeeding is the Only way to go and if you're not doing it, it's bad. They make mums like you feel under pressure.

Load of tosh.

tiktok Mon 02-May-05 09:55:02

Star, the expressed milk you gave your daughter will have benefitted her.

Feeling guilty is understandable, but not logical

Midwives who are rough should be retrained, IMHO! This is so off-putting to babies and mothers. There are many reasons why your baby may have been distressed at first, and I would bet money you were not helped in the most appropriate way: you could have been tucked up skin-to-skin with your baby for as much of the 24/7 as poss...this works wonders with babies who are reluctant to take the breast.

If your baby was born with the aid of forceps or ventouse, you may have needed more help getting her comfortable.

Rough handling, or any sort of shoving on, or ramming, or insistence on trying to get breast and baby together can turn babies right off, so they start to fight at the breast, which is very upsetting and demoralising.

You were let down by the lack of proper help and support around you. It was not your fault. This time round, you will know that little but more, and you won't be quite so much at the mercy of people whose job it was to help, but who made things worse for you.

Yes, you are going to feel sad you didn't manage it this time round, but you can mother and love your baby perfectly well whatever way you feed her. And you can learn from what happened, and be stronger for it

bobbybob Mon 02-May-05 09:56:45

You can give it another go as she is so young starshaker. I don't know an awful lot about it, but you could call one of the helplines and they would talk you through it.

You can still put her to your breast and have lots of skin to skin.

tiktok Mon 02-May-05 09:57:10

Star - only 10 days means you can start to breastfeed again, if you want to.

If you want to know more, just ask

Newbarnsleygirl Mon 02-May-05 09:57:47

I could have wrote that Starshaker.

I had the exact same experience as you with BF.

The thing to remember is that you tried and it just didn't work out for you. Don't beat yourself up about it.

tiktok Mon 02-May-05 09:58:18

Sorry, star, when you talked about pg hormones I thought you meant you were pregnant again

starshaker Mon 02-May-05 10:00:34

i have been trying that since i came home i have skin to skin in the morning and at night for at least an hour in the hope she thinks ooo ill give it a go now but she doesnt she just goes to sleep. she sometimes doesnt even want her bottle she wakes up has an oz then goes back to sleep then she will have a big feed and sick most of it back up cos she gulps it down.

tiktok Mon 02-May-05 10:10:13

Star, it's great your baby feels relaxed and comfy enough at the breast to drop off to sleep

If you want to start bf again, then an hour skin to skin twice a day isn't anything like enough - sorry to be direct with you, but it's best to know the score!

She needs skin to skin for as much of the day and night as you can make possible - using a sling/baby carrier will help. Try co-bathing (you'll need help with this) and just let her 'hang out' at the breast, the way you are already doing for those sessions morning and evening....but much much more.

You will also need to start expressing at least 8 times a day to get your milk supply up.

It is not easy to start bf again, but with a co-operative baby, a lot of support for you, and time, and motivation, it can be done.

starshaker Mon 02-May-05 10:13:20

i would love to try again thanx for the advice i will get the pump out and i supose even then it will be better cos she is getting my milk even if its not at every feed but i would be something. i just want to give her the best i can as she is the most amazing and precious thing in my life.

bobbybob Mon 02-May-05 10:15:03

Good luck with it starshaker and post here as much as you need to (obviously one handed!) for support.

tiktok Mon 02-May-05 10:17:39

Glad to help - have to say, the biggest challenge is gonna be easy for you.....getting the baby to co-operate! Your baby loves to be close to you (too often, when bf has not worked out, the baby starts to reject even skin to skin). The next biggest challenge is expressing often enough. If the pump doesn't work well, then try hand expressing or get a better pump. Obviously, you save the expressed breastmilk and give it to your baby.

You will need to express at night as well.

Let us know what happens!

DelGirl Mon 02-May-05 11:20:52

I could weep at this starshaker. It's one of the reasons I was so glad to get home. The constant change of opinion between the m/w's was unbelievable and the amount of rough handling too. I could've given up quite easily myself the very 1st day. My little one didn't feed either for about 3/4 days and had to have expressed colostrum by syringe. I was still giving her expressed stuff on top of b/f until we came home. I was so ready to give up each time cos all you want to do is to be able to feed them, don't you? My babe's weight is still up and down and the moment, she's just 2 weeks. She's due to be weighed again tomorrow and I so hope she has gained. If not, I think I shall have to feed her formula.

But please, you mustn't feel guilty. You tried your best. I never imagined how distressing it could be and so understand why people give up so soon, really I do. However, if you feel that you want to try again, give it a shot would be my answer. You can only try. I'm sure being at home without the added prodding and poking from well meaning m/w will help. I thought I would be highly embarrased by m/w man-handling me but I wasn't, I just wanted to feed my baby but in the end, it really got to me and we are both far more relaxed now.

Sorry, rambling about me and taking over your thread, it's just that I felt exactly the same. Hugs to you hun ((( )))

Hazellnut Mon 02-May-05 11:52:03

Please don't feel guilty. I had a similar experience - I had a very stressful birth and dd was not interested in bf. The mw's tried to force her on which made matters worse and the breastfeeding counsellor did much the same thing and, in fact, i think made me not want to try any more because she made me cry - I was too tired, dd was too tired and needed to feed (was only 4 lbs 9oz). I expressed what I could for 7 weeks. I too felt very guilty especially when getting together with antenatal groups where I would be the only one bottlefeeding. When dd had her 6 week check the doctor asked about feeding and I explained what had happened and she said to me that, whilst it was preferable to bf, sometimes compromises had to be made and dd was certainly healthy and what i had done with expressing had given her a good start. Also, as time went on (and dd is now only 14 weeks) most of my antenatal friends have (rightly or wrongly) and I don't want to start a debate are now mixed feeding.

I hope trying again works for you and am sure there are lots of people here to give you support and advice but, if it doesn't work please remember that bf isn't the only thing about being a mum (although sometimes it feels like it !) and if could see my dd now from the skinny, tiny thing she was at birth - happy and developing as quickly as her bf friends, - I hope it would make you think that bottlefeeding wasn 't the worse thing you can do !

I recently read the chapter in the baby whisperer on feeding choices and this is something worth reading if you're feeling guilty !

Good luck and hope it works out for you ....

mears Mon 02-May-05 11:58:30

Good luck starshaker - it can be done

Delgirl - it is not uncommon for breastfed babies not to have regained their birthweight by 3 weeks old, especially when they get off to a slow start.
It may not be unexpected for her not to have gained weight tomorrow. Feeding at least 2-3 hourly will help you produce more milk if that is the problem. Take her to bed for the day and have a feeding fest, skin-to-skin.
Do you have good support? Have you contacted a B/F counsellor?

DelGirl Mon 02-May-05 14:10:09

Hi mears, thanks for the info and sorry to hijack this thread starshaker. Trouble is, I had a c/s at 39 + 3 cos of kidney stones so she wasn't really ready to come out tbh. And, I was on morphine for about 3/4 days, and she became slightly jaundiced too which, though I kept saying she was extremely sleepy, no-one did any tests until the day I transferred to the other hospital. Might the morphine had something to do with it? The other thing, which I mentioned on the other thread was that she was weighed in recovery and was 7lb 14oz (sunday), she was weighed again at the new hospital on Thursday and they said she was 6lb 12oz. My sister remembers that the scales weren't set at zero but assumed they'd be re-set. The new hosp said this had happened before. So, we don't really know what her true weight was. On the friday she'd dropped 20 grams and I think another 10 on the saturday but by sunday she'd gained 60 grams. Another factor, imho, is that she kept being weighed on different scales either with or without a nappy. Anyway, (big sigh) on Thursday just gone, the m/w at home weighed her on digi scales and she weighed 6lb 14 1/2 oz. This was apparently down slightly on Mondays weight, but there again she was weighed with a nappy on in a sling type machine. Can you see why I'm frustrated, does any of what I've just written make any sense at all? .

Amelia is generally feeding 3 hourly and can take anything from 25/45 mins. She settles really well herself after a feed during the day. At night, its a little more erratic and she sleeps in with me, she really doesnt like the moses basket but she's fine in her pram! Hoping to tackle the co-sleeping at a later date. Phew, thanks for reading if you've got this far!

DelGirl Mon 02-May-05 14:16:47

oh, forgot to mention that today she seemed to want feeding on and off for about 3 hours and was quite grumpy, then she had a normal feed around 10/11 and i've just fed her again but that was quite a short one. I'm pretty sure there's no problems with supply, i'm going to have to be very careful about how I dress when I go out in future as I am regularly soaked without noticing!

suzywong Mon 02-May-05 14:18:33

Delgirl, that all sounds find and dandy, it's highly unlikely you will have problems with supply, it's a very fair arrangement in those regards. Just put a kagool on and keep on BF

catch you later

tiktok Mon 02-May-05 14:21:01

DelGirl, you have highlighted poor postnatal care - weighing, whenever it is done, has to be carried out with a naked baby on calibrated, electronic scales. Anything else - sping balance scales, baby with a nappy on, non-calibrated scales - is fine for fun, but not for tracking growth or for basing any decisions about supplementing or adequacy of bf.

A good way of assessing how well a baby is bf is to check poos and wees. Heavy nappies and plenty of soft yellow poo every day is a good sign.

nailpolish Mon 02-May-05 14:21:04

delgirl, i had that soak through problem bigtime. wearing dark clothes makes it less noticeable. a million pads too! good luck x

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