My mum wants me to stop bfing. What should I do?

[pixiefish]

My dd goes to my mum 2 days a week and have had mum telling me today how much easier it would be for her if i gave up daytime feeds. My mum feels that she can't comfort my 14 month dd because she can't bf her. Have tried to explain to her that she won't be able to comfort her the same as me because she's not her mummy. I don't know what to do- am totally torn. dd showing no signs of giving up herself (which is what I wanted)

All I get off my mum is how much easier she found things because she established a routine and she could pack me off to my grandmothers at my dd's age and as a baby i was happy.

Because mum babysits dd for me I don't want to be awkward but this is stress that i don't need- i don't like being forced to stop bfing but i also need not to make things awkward.

Giving up work is not an option even if I could afford it as I would have to give a fullterms notice which is another 14 weeks

[Pruni]

Message withdrawn

[Fran1]

How old is your dd?

Is it possible to introduce bottle? I bf dd until 2years, and my mum had her while i worked since she was 3mths, so she was used to bottles when i wasn't around.

If your dd is older, rather than giving up, could you start giving her milk in cup by day, and just bf mornings and evenings?

As you say, the chances are it is not the bf that makes the difference, just different environment. My dd now 2 never naps at her grandparents house, i just assume it is cos there is too much excitment round there and shes not in her usual environment to nap.

[emkana]

My dd (20 months) goes to my MIL twice a week, and has done since she was about 10 months. She still breastfeeds with great passion during the day, but nevertheless my MIL is able to comfort/distract her when I'm not around. I think at your dd's age children become aware that no Mummy there means no breast available and they can accept it and live with alternatives - it's just up to the carer to find the right way of doing it! I don't know how to put this to your mother though...
Anyway, I would say: don't give up if you don't want to! You'll be sad and you'll regret it.

[pixiefish]

Thanks- this is what I think and I really don't want to give up but as I say I feel that I have to at least listen to her. I may well suggest to her that if it's all too much for her then dd may be better off in nursery as she'd be more distracted there and see the reaction. I feel bullied with a lot of things- dd co sleeps and I'm constantly being criticised for the way I'm parenting.

[beansprout]

The reason to give up b/f really is not because it suits your mum. Absolutely no-one can comfort your child in the way you can, end of story. The feeding can be sorted but please don't give up because your mum suggests it. What if you give up and she can't comfort dd anyway? Then what?!

[jamiesam]

Hmmm.

Sorry, but my ds's went to nursery with COMPLETE strangers from 4mths and 6mths, with their little bottles of ebm. I have always been confident that their keyworkers are able to comfort them - indeed, jealous of their range of distraction techniques!

However, no actual experience of your problem as my ds's don't have a (natural) grandma between them. And grandpa's just don't really DO babies. Am dead jealous of you!

Could your dh maybe persuade your mum that she is doing a great job? If not, can you talk to her about what it is like when she feels she can't comfort your dd? I must confess, by the time my ds's were 14mths, I'd never have thought to comfort them by bf.

[pixiefish]

exactly beansprout.

[pixiefish]

jamiesam- i don't comfort her by bfing. It's just that my mum thinks that. She has a bfeed after lunch and perhaps a mid morning one and a mid afeternoon. We can skip these if we're out but if we're around the house she does want them

[jamiesam]

Sorry Pixiefish, I meant that I was surprised that your mum thought that you -- comforted by bf. Can you not convince her that you don't bf everytime dd is at all - well, not a perfectly happy little angel?!

[spod]

dont give up cos your mum wants you to.... that would be very sad for you and dd. think strategy of suggesting alternative childcare would be interesting.

[ionesmum]

Don't give up. It's really unfair of your mum to put you under this pressure. Could it be that she is a little bit jealous - maybe deep down she wishes she'd bfed/co slept but it wasn't the 'done thing' when you were small?

[pixiefish]

ionesmum- i think so- dh and i also think that she wants the same bond with dd as i have- she loves getting firsts- if i say oh dd does this now then my mum says oh yes i know, she's been doing it a while. I feel really awful about being negative about her but i really feel that she tries to control me still. Have had to tell her not to say negative things about me in front of dd as i don't appreciate her little quips and i know that dd is a bit young to understand now but she soon will understand

[spod]

people are always telling me i should have stopped by now.... mainly people who didnt bf, or who only bf for a few months... my mum and nan think me and my sister are both odd that we've fed our dd's into toddlerdom... i think its the best thing i've ever done!

[ionesmum]

Oh, dear, sounds like a really difficult situation. Could your dh have a word with her? It sounds like she is trying to be a second mum rather than a granny. I can see why nursery seems tempting...

[beansprout]

Pixiefish - seems you are in a difficult situation with her all round. It's such a shame that she can't respect you as your daughter's mum. She does not know best, you do. If you are not comfortable with the situation, you are entitled to change it. Does dh know how you feel?

[pixiefish]

ionesmum- she doesn't like my dh either so wouldn't listen to him. May well threaten nursey and see what happens.

She thinks I should be going back to work full time now anyway- that it would do my dd good to go to nursery!!!! Even though she was a SAHM!!!

[beansprout]

Well if she doesn't like either of you very much, that explains a lot. Sorry, but it seems she is just undermining you. Yes, she has a right to have a relationship with her grand-daughter but she does not have the right to undermine you. If it were me I would also be using a few choice phrases in the discussion like "professional" and "trained" child care workers, and say how much you like the nursery's approach of respecting the parents etc etc etc!!

[ionesmum]

If she doesn't like your dh anyway then maybe he can tell her a few home truths without worrying! Do whatever you think is best for your dd. And whatever your mum does or whatever she says about you in front of your dd, it won't make any difference to how dd feels about you. (not that that's any excuse.)

[pixiefish]

I really do feel like doing that. But I couldn't bear to put dd in a nursery- or with a childminder. I hate leaving her as it is but it is just about bearable because she's with my mother

[hunkermunker]

It sounds like she's trying to relive her parenting choices through you and your DD.

Don't stop breastfeeding - don't think your DD will be any easier to comfort for your mum without breastfeeding (she may well be harder to comfort - try telling your mum that!).

Good luck, hun.

[edam]

Pixiefish, I want to reassure you that nursery isn't the end of the world. I know how hard it is to leave your child with someone else but the fact is you aren't happy with your childcare. Your childcarer is undermining you and trying to compete with you for your dd's affections. That's unacceptable in any carer but particularly so when it's your own mother. So it might be time to reassess your choice of childcare.
My ds has been in nursery mostly full-time since he was 7 months. Was awful leaving him at first, but you know what? He has gained so much from going there. He's now 20 months and is happy, secure, cheeky, confident and loved by his childcarers (but not to the point where they are competing) and does so much there that he'd never get the chance to do if I was at home. He's doing really well developmentally because he's so stimulated there. In fact when he's been ill and off nursery for a few days he gets really excited about going back!
I've just changed my working life (taking a big risk) so that I can spend more time with him because I'm missing out, but I know perfectly well that he is really really happy as he is. In fact everyone at nursery has been telling me how much they'll miss him even though he's still going to be there 3 days a week.
Just wanted to share my very positive experience of nursery so you know it isn't grim and uncaring. Ds has got loads from it. Why not visit a few locally, read the Ofsted reports and see how you feel then?

[NotQuiteCockney]

I'm with edam - go see some local nurseries, or ask local mums who use nurseries, and see how they are. The nursery I used for DS1 had really good continuity of care, people never seemed to leave, so he was very very happy there. Particularly if your DD is a very sociable child, nursery can be a really good choice.

I don't know why mothers, and mothers-in-law are forever seeing their children's different parenting choices as a criticism of their parenting choices, but it's bloody annoying.

[LGJ]

I have read all of this thread, I couldn't BF after the first week as I left hospital with a baby and post partum cardiomyopathy.

In a word tell your mother to get lost, as politely as you can.

I went back to work 3 days a week for my own sanity after a year, my child minder is briliant, I would go in and tell her really excitedly, I found a tooth or whatever and she would say where, where, it wasn't until I saw her doing thsi with another mum that I realised she ususally already knew.

I raised this with her and she said that my child was my precious bundle not hers and much as it killed her not to say anything, the first everything was just that the first and was mine to enjoy.

Hope you can resolve this issue, but your mother sounds like a huge issue in the making, if you don't nip this in the bud.

[bobbybob]

I found my mum unbearable on this subject when ds was about 14 months old. I ignored her and carried on as normal, and then when he was 19 months she got distracted by my lack of toilet training and now goes on about that instead.

I found I got a lot of stick generally about bfing between around 13 and 21 months and now ds is 25 months I have found that people who find out (usually from someone else as I don't really talk about it) are impressed, complimentary and supportive. Weird, but nice weird.

You keep going - and do look into other childcare options too.

[posyhairdresser]

Sounds as though your mum is struggling a bit with dd at the moment & she must feel bad if she can't comfort her. Can you help her find another way? Or reasure her that you find things hard sometimes too?

I think from experience that when my mum looks after my child - and she has helped me out a lot - both of you must be prepared to let the other make their own choices and decisions to a large extent and just run with it!