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MIL has now withdrawn from all our lives because I want to be bf our DC

(84 Posts)
cheesemonster Wed 22-Oct-08 09:58:37

This is a bit long, ramblily & emotional. We have had problems with my MIL form the birth of DS when I decided to bf. She didnt like it because it made her feel guilty & she thought I was doing it to rub her nose in the fact she didnt & because i believed the "labour properganda" that about the health benefits. I empathised with her about how hard it was in the 60/70s & how little suport, info there was, how demand feeding & taking babies into nurseries wasnt helpful to women who wanted to bf. I have never said anything about her feeding or anyone elses feeding choices, it is up to them. However my DH & I decided we felt it was the best option for our family.
I was then told that when visitng I was to leave the room to feed as they didnt want to see it, even if I had a shawl- as we know you cant see anything. I went along with this but was upset when on some visits other members of family who bottle fed where allowed to remain in lunge & I would have to go out, missing conversation & returning to a stone cold cup of tea & having missed the cake. This began to upset me, especially when I would get tutted at for feeding again/ etc. Things progressed so I almost stopped feeding the children there & would end up bundling screaming baby into car & driving to the layby & feeding there in the car.
The snide comments etc got to worse & it came that I felt too uncomfortable to feed DC in my own home too & would leave the room at home as well. The result being I was less willing to spend time with them etc etc.
My DH has treid to talk to his parents & explain that I dont want them to sit & watch my feeding but she is being exclusive & not making us want to do things with them. Went out for a day & I wanted to feed DD while having coffee & was asked to go to the toilet by MILshock
He has explained that we understand that she would like us to bottle feed so she oculd join in but we dont parent that way. We have chossen attachment style parenting so she is cross that DC dont stay over at hers. They are only 1 & 2. She said that I am form an undecent background if I believe it acceptable to feed my baby anywhere & have a psch problem if I would be happy to feed infront of my FIL- ( I dont see the problem, you cant see anything).
DH has asked them to think a bout their ways etc & see if we can come to an agreement.
Last night they have emailed us to say they are withdrawing from all of our lives, that I have been planning this over the last 2 years & how unpleasant etc we are.
DH mailed back to suggest that he is disappointed in the fact that they wont even try talking.
I am really hurt by this all & feel like maybe I should have ff when they wanted me to. ( she is horrified that dh is supportive of bf)& that my feeding the children has now caused this huge rift. I know that the feeding is the cause but it is the results of feeding & behaviour she exhibts cause of it that really is the problem & has allienated me.sad

CountessDracula Wed 22-Oct-08 10:01:02

Oh you poor thing

It sounds like she has some serious ishoos. I would try not to take it personally and just get on with things.

EsmeWeatherwax Wed 22-Oct-08 10:04:04

I'm sorry, but your MIL sounds like a nightmare. You are totally doing the right thing for your family and are giving your dc's the very best start in life possible by bf. You have nothing, NOTHING to be ashamed, or to feel guilty about, you have clearly tried to accomodate her to your own detriment. She has a major problem, not you!

cmotdibbler Wed 22-Oct-08 10:04:13

Poor you - however, she'd have picked something in your lives to argue about as she sounds very controlling and 'it's my way or the highway' - it's not about bfing, its about her wanting you and DH to behave how she wants you to.

I'd venture a guess that you will be better off without them in your lives, so just keep on with what you are doing, and she'll realise that she can't bully you.

wannaBe Wed 22-Oct-08 10:04:35

you are better off without them.

Yes maybe it's sad that your mil was unable/chose not to bf but the issue is her's not yours.

Clearly she is unable to see past the bf issue, (and after all you are not going to bf your children for ever) and she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Her loss - your children don't need such negative influences in their lives.

PustuleRots Wed 22-Oct-08 10:05:55

Don't waste a moment more worrying about it, she sounds dreadful. Let her work through her issues and you just get on doing the wonderful job you and DH are doing. She sounds like she is playing games and expects you to back down. Don't. She is putting her irrational and selfish needs before those of her grandchild. You don't need that in your life.
You sound like fantastic parents.

OrmIrian Wed 22-Oct-08 10:06:04

Oh dear sad.

How very very strange. Sorry for you and your DH. I really don't see how you could have done anything different.

Cies Wed 22-Oct-08 10:06:28

You poor poor thing sad.

You know that you are doing the best you can for your dc. It sounds like your dh is being really supportive as well.

It's all about her, and her problems and issues. Don't let it stop you doing this amazing thing for your dc.

CoolYourJets Wed 22-Oct-08 10:08:17

They are freaks. Ignore them. You are doing a wonderful thing for your children.

the pnly thing i could suggest is pointing out that as you will not be breastfeehe is witding forever it would be a shame for them to miss out on their grandchildren entirely and a compromise should be reached.

We parent in a similar fashion and i know it has been hard on inlaws and laws for that matter. They have mostly bitten thir tongues though. my 4 year old recently announced that she would like to go and stay overnight and has been twice now and had a whale of a time. They can see how happy she is with it and are more in favour of ap now!

2Eliza2 Wed 22-Oct-08 10:09:47

So sorry to hear this. She seems to have an agenda which is nothing to do with YOU.

It annoys me when people say we should feed babies in the loo. Yuck.

yomellamoHelly Wed 22-Oct-08 10:11:13

What a silly woman. So she'd rather miss forming a relationship with her grandchildren over something like this. She's got her priorities all wrong. In your situation I'd wash my hands of her and get on with enjoying my family. Hope you're able to do the same. The silly silly woman. shock

slummymummytobe Wed 22-Oct-08 10:11:32

what a horrible situation! You have my sympathy

well done for continuing to bf despite your MIL sniping. You should feel proud of yourself and your DH for staying strong in the face of this. Give the in-laws a chance to calm down, hopefully they will realise it is not worth them withdrawing from your lives over this issue. If not, it is THEIR loss (albeit a regrettable one)

snickersnack Wed 22-Oct-08 10:11:59

What you are doing in terms of feeding is perfectly normal - you know that, but I wanted to reassure you there is nothing odd or strange or wrong about breast feeding your children. What an odd thing to say.

I feel for you, because it's clear you've tried to accommodate them - frankly I think you've been very understanding up to now. What is even more strange is that it sounds like she wanted to bf, couldn't, and now thinks that you shouldn't either.

I imagine this must be very upsetting for you and your dh. I think, though, that if you face this opposition to bf-ing, that chances are there will be similar battles in the future over other parenting issues, so it may be easier for everyone to cut the ties now. And I don't say that lightly - normally I'd be arguing in favour of trying to find a middle ground but on this occasion I have to say I'm pretty shock by her behaviour.

Perhaps a considered and calm email back to her saying you're sorry she feels like that, but that it is really your choice how to feed your children, and you hope that in due course they will want to be part of their grandchildren's lives again?

Anna8888 Wed 22-Oct-08 10:12:35

It is completely unacceptable for your MIL to expect you to leave the room to feed your DS because she doesn't want to see you feed him. If she doesn't like it, she should leave the room.

She is trying to blackmail you into behaving according to her terms & conditions. Don't let yourself be blackmailed: write her a polite email outlining the way you parent and the reasons you have chosen to parent that way and that that is your prerogative and that you cannot possibly be expected to parent in accordance with your MIL's desires.

CantSleepWontSleep Wed 22-Oct-08 10:13:53

Well done for standing up for your beliefs in the face of adversity.

Your mil doesn't sound like a very nice person, so you are probably all better off without her at the moment. It is her loss if she doesn't want to share in her grandchildren's lives.

fabsmum Wed 22-Oct-08 10:15:25

Me being me, I'd continue to bf until my child started school just to keep a MIL like that at a distance.......

But seriously - you are wonderful parents to do this for your children, despite all the pressure and unpleasantness. Your MIL are completely in the wrong. I wonder if your MIL is actually phobic about breastfeeding (some people are) and whether this is at the root of everything.

Hope this doesn't cause a long standing family rift, but if it does, you are not to blame - she is.

LIZS Wed 22-Oct-08 10:15:36

Silly woman - her loss and her issue. Try not to let it get to you.

mabanana Wed 22-Oct-08 10:16:15

She's a nutter. I can understand how upset you are, but this has nothing to do with you. She would do this over anything. I think she's incredibly jealous that you 'have' her son. YOu need to stand your ground. I bet she is hoping you will grovel to her, let her regain her status as alpha female in your son's life and then she can boss you all about as she clearly hoped to do from the start. Don't back down. Your dh can call or write to say that he is very sad and sorry that they have chosen to do this, that it would have been nice for them and your children to have a relationship, and the door is always open, but you will not change your parenting decisions as just as she decided how to bring up her children, so you and your dh will decide how to bring up yours.

theSuburbanDryad Wed 22-Oct-08 10:18:26

Oh sweetheart. sad What a horrible situation for you all. Can I just say a big well done to your (lovely-sounding) dh for backing you up!

Firstly, i think you're all better off without them. She sounds like a total nightmare and very controlling. Because things haven't gone her way she's throwing her toys out of the pram and refusing to talk to any of you? hmm Very adult!

Secondly, have you thought about what you'll do if they get back in touch some time down the line and want to restart a relationship with you? My MIL has told us she's never talking to us again, that she's going to disinherit all of us etc etc. When she realises that she's not going to see ds if she doesn't see us she soon decides we're not so bad after all!! grin

Thirdly, I have to admit I lmao at the "labour propaganda"! My MIL is a Tory too!!

nuclear Wed 22-Oct-08 10:18:31

not read all of the posts but I am dumbfounded by your MIL's attitude to you feeding you baby the best way you possibly can.

Good on you for sticking at it, you and DH are after the parents NOT her.

You sound very understanding (if it was me I would have a lot of resentment towards her).

I am sure this is also hard for your DH - but at the end of the day it is their problems not yours. It is just very very sad and I am sure one day she will regret acting this way.

ilovemydog Wed 22-Oct-08 10:18:35

unbelievable shock

Feeding a baby (b/fing) is the most natural thing in the world.

Shame on her for making you feel anything other than fabulous.

If I disagree with someone, I don't think any less of them personally...

She has major probems, and frankly quite toxic.

wuzzlefraggle Wed 22-Oct-08 10:18:50

wow - that is BAD of your mil.

I can't believe that someone would think it acceptable to behave like that!

Her loss - 100%. You are doing NOTHING wrong.

Well done for continuing with bfing too

wannaBe Wed 22-Oct-08 10:27:22

see I wouldn't even say that I was sorry she felt that way/that the children wouldn't have a relationship etc, because tbh I wouldn't be sorry to see someone like that walk out of my life.

I would just say that it was her loss and that if that's her attitude we're glad she doesn't want to be a part of our lives...

But maybe that's just me.

mabanana Wed 22-Oct-08 10:30:23

I just think you tend to feel better and have no regrets at all if you are confident you've taken the moral high ground (even you secretly fantasise about getting into your car and mowing the bitch down grin)
Also remember whatever you say or write will be relayed and shown to everyone out of context.

PustuleRots Wed 22-Oct-08 10:30:38

WannaBe, i'm am with you there.

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