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Am I taking this too far?

(17 Posts)
UmSami Tue 07-Aug-07 22:58:05

My 16 monther still breast feeds in the morning, at bed time and 1 -2 times during the night...I love the closeness, and he is VERY attached to his 'boo'. But I'm starting to wonder if he will ever get bored of nursing. He goes to nursery, afternoons only, 5 days a week, and manages to nap there, but at home he won't sleep without nursing and doesn't want to know anyone but me overnight. He'll throw a tantrum when he gets home if I won't let him nurse and when he's in need of confort.

I have no problem with all of this, although my husband is still in the spare room and my son thinks of my bed and his, so dh is getting understandably frustrated! All in all i'm wondering if ds will ever move on from the breast - well before his teenage years at least! (JOKE) and i'm starting to wonder if i'm talking this too far, but I have no idea how to stop, and feel so guilty taking ds's biggest comfort away.

berolina Tue 07-Aug-07 23:02:08

He will self-wean eventually. My ds bf to sleep for a long time. He's 2.2 (well, nearly 2.3) now and sometime around his second birthday he stopped actually falling asleep feeding - he would have a quick feed and ask to go to bed. He hasn't bf at night for a long time - he does wake up maybe 1 night out of 4, but usually just wants a quick cuddle in our bed. (He still sleeps in a cot next to our bed).

I feel like you in that I couldn't wean him - not even when 20 weeks pg with placenta praevia and dire warnings that bf could provoke more bleeding (it didn't, btw).

crokky Tue 07-Aug-07 23:02:37

If you don't want to stop, you could get a superking bed so that you can all three go in it? We do that!

ChasingSquirrels Tue 07-Aug-07 23:03:16

I went back to work when ds2 was 15mo and when I got home he would CLING to me until I fed him. He is now 18mo and usually only has a bedtime feed, and definately isn't looking for it when I get home anymore.
Alot of people say that "don't offer, don't refuse" works well (personally I did refuse to drop the feeds I wanted to drop, although not the one when I got home, he just dropped that himself after about 6 weeks), although from your post you sound as though you don't want to drop it anyway?
Can't you all share a bed so your dh isn't kicked out?

UmSami Tue 07-Aug-07 23:16:57

We keep trying 3 in bed, but ds has a delightful habit of sleeping horizontally, and literally kicking his father out! He either gets annoyed because daddy is in his space, and kicks and pushes him or excited and wants to play and squeels and giggles shouting daddy at 3 in th morning - none of this leads to a good night sleep or a sunny disposition for anyone LOL!

As for the just got home feed, I'm managing to avoid it at the mo by either getting dinner on the table asap, or coaxing him into a cup of milk-which is the only time he'll hapily take it-when all goes to pot we resort to the boo and a cuddle

Berolina-God bless you must have the patience of a saint- I hope pregnancy 2 went well x

ChasingSquirrels Tue 07-Aug-07 23:19:02

how long has he been going to nursery?
could you try a mattress on the floor next to your bed, so he is close but not kicking your dh?

berolina Tue 07-Aug-07 23:20:51

34 weeks and counting UmSami (and placenta has 'moved' - hooray!)

Oh, our ds does that wriggle-squirm-lie-horizontally thing too - delightful And all in a 140cm bed. But one or the other of us lifts him into his cot as soon as we're sure he's asleep might that be feasible for you if his wakings aren't that often?

UmSami Tue 07-Aug-07 23:46:54

berolina-congrats -fingers crossed for a smooth 6 weeks! the wiggle-squirm and nice healthy bump must be great fun for you - being kicked from all angles must lead to a very restful nights sleep - i just hope for your sake that your darling hubby doesn't snore! ;)

ds's cot bed is still next to our bed - mostly to act as a bumper to stop him wriggling himself onto the floor! Bless him, he does go to sleep in his cot, well rather stay asleep after I finish nursing him and put him down, but then wakes up, normally between 12 and 3, and wants in mummy's bed, if I try putting him back in his cot at that point, if never lasts long, he seems to wake up every time he moves and whinges til he gets back in bed with me. he does this sleep with one eye open thing and seems to know my every move...he's particly perceptive when he's teething i find!

Theres a bit of me that wonders if i just have to bite the bullet and put his cot in his beautiful and wasted nursery lol - but I really think he has seperation issues - he has always been clingy - seemed to nurse 24-7 til he was about 4 months, and hip cruised til 6 months when he started to crawl and realised he could cope with being put down - cos he could follow me!

Hubby thinks i'm soft, maybe I am - but thankfully he's a happy, mostly confident boy now, who just likes his 'boo'!

UmSami Tue 07-Aug-07 23:52:38

chasingsquirrels - he started nursey at 13 months, so about 3.5 months...

mears Tue 07-Aug-07 23:53:13

why is your DH in spare room?

ChasingSquirrels Tue 07-Aug-07 23:54:13

Is dh frustrated from having to sleep in the spare room, or from lack of sex because of that?
how about you and dh in the bed, then dh moves to the spare room (or mattress on the floor) when ds wakes?
I am really getting the feeling that you don't want to change the situation for you (or ds)?
Just because he is like this now doesn't mean that he will still be in 2, 4, 6 months. Remember when he was feeding 24/7? I bet you couldn't imagine when he wouldn't be? It passes (too quickly).

UmSami Wed 08-Aug-07 00:25:43

Mears - DH in spare room cos he gets more sleep that way!

Chasingsqirrels- I think DH as got past the point of frustrated- he's kind of at resigned acceptance!

We've done the whole switch bed thing in the middle of the night, and dh can't stand it, he's not the most agreeable person when he's woken up - but then who is?! The sex thing is most deffinately an issue, I have no idea how anyone manages to get pregnant again while nursing and bed sharing! But for me its the closeness as I think the level of closeness between dh and I has gone down (well changed) since having ds. It is improving in recent months as ds is sleeping better and we get more 'us time' (ds used to wake up every hour all through the night until a couple of month's ago)
I guess whats concerning me is that I do want another baby, and dh is unwilling, largely due to the lack of 'us time' since the birth of ds, life needs to get back to some semblance of 'normality' (like that will ever happen lol) before he'll even consider it I think.
Also the bf and need for comfort of my ds has lead to dh doing more than his fair share of chores - I think he's terrified of an increased work load, and NEVER seeing his bed and wife again!
I'm concerned about how ds would cope if I were to have another child, I don't want it to enforce seperation and him to resent it...I think I might just be thinking too far ahead here!

ladymac Wed 08-Aug-07 00:33:47

My ds is 19 and 6'3". I miss the little boy who snuggled up to me in bed. It's a dim and distant memory. They are not babies for very long. Make the most of it.

ladymac Wed 08-Aug-07 00:36:28

Can you set aside another time of day for sex? It's important not to let that part of your relationship slip away.

UmSami Wed 08-Aug-07 00:52:08

oh ladymac thats lovely, and puts it all into perspective...reassuring too, to know that they do finally stop nursing LOL

We do try to find the time, in all honesty it is hard, because there is so much to do! But thankfully things are improving there, our relationship is getting stronger (touch wood), and dh has conceeded in retrospect, that my softly softly approach with ds all the way through has helped him bloom. (Our friends and families urged us to put him in a room and let him cry himself to sleep, I wouldn't hear of it but dh was very tempted at the time and there were a few battles)Now dh is on the whole supportive but I know he wants his bed back...the good thing though, he dotes on his son and would do anything for him, so although we're finding it tough (naive us thought he'd be in his room by 6 months) I don't doubt that dh will put up with it and probably a whole lot more.

mears Wed 08-Aug-07 18:53:29

UmSami - I think it can be very hard for DH when they are separated from their partners at night but that is partly his choice too. My DH stayed in bed with me when the babies came in. I never actually co-slept in the true sense - I would bring babies into bed to feed and if they didn't settle they stayed there. If I woke and they were sleeping, I put them back into their cot in our room.

I think co sleeping does prolong night feeds - we all have different parenting styles and do things to suit us.

My DH and I never swapped beds around or slept in different rooms, but my children were good sleepers so I didn't have to.

Hope you find a solution that your DH is happy with.

UmSami Wed 08-Aug-07 23:20:32

Thanks Mears, I'm sure things will sort themselves out - funny thing, ds slept in his own bed ALL NIGHT last night for a full 11 hours without a peep!!!!! A first! Only thing, dh is in London on business-shall I laugh or cry hehehe

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