Breastfeeding is disgusting. What can I say?

[bohemianbint]

I was saying to my mum yesterday that I've virtually given up BF now, as DS who's almost 1 just won't have it anymore. She said, "well, it's disgusting to do it when they get older, it's a bit weird/league of Gentlemen/bitty and he's done it for long enough."

I could have said something about WHO guidelines etc but I know what the response would have been. I ended up saying nothing but on reflection last night I got more and more wound up about it. It's just totally disrespectful.

She's quite anti-BF; my parents came around when DS was days old and tried to pressure me into using formula, saying it's "just as good." Unfortunately I was in a fairly fragile state at the time and knew nothing about how BF works and with no facts to support me, so I couldn't justify my decision and sat there sobbing while they carried on making me feel like I was some hysterical hippy idiot. I was also told that my aunty "hopes I won't BF in public" - I mean, WTF?

There's clearly other issues at work here. My mum isn't my biological mother; bio-mother had a natural birth and BF, my mum forced herself through a horrendous birth with no pain relief so she wouldn't be outdone by bio-mother and I think that's whats going on with all this anti-BF bullshit.

Thing is, I'm doing quite a lot of things differently to how I was brought up and I get nothing but criticism - I'm getting very worn down by it and find it very disrespectful. I know something needs to be said but I'm not sure how to broach it, and unfortunately this morning I'm even thinking "wow, she can't have said the word disgusting can she?!" and doubting myself. I'm fairly sure she did though.

[EscapeFrom]

Next time she passes comment, detatch yourself from tis, and smile, and say, "Yes, that's quite a common misconception within your generation"

Make her feel stupid and old!

[beansprout]

I'm sorry to hear this but would say that it doesn't matter what she thinks. She clearly has a prejudiced view and doesn't really know what she is talking about. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude.

I am still feeing a 2.9yo and I only mention it to people who I know won't give me a hard time!

[lissie]

our parents tend to criticise our parenting techniques more to defend their own iykwim. im sorry your mum has behaved like this but i think that you have done brilliantly under very stressful, difficult circumstances. bf til your ds ia one is brilliant and much more than a lot of women can/do. unfortunately when fm was introduced it was heralded as the best thing since sliced bread (and for a lot of women/babies it has literally been a life saver) and it sounds like your mum is a part of the generation that all the advertising was aimed at.

am i making sense? (been up all night)

[AuntJetPetunia]

Hi,

As you've said there are underlying issues here with your mum, and for that reason I've got some sympathy with her. i wouldn't try to make her feel stupid - but I would try to let her know how much she's upsetting you. What about showing her what you have written here? Or better still, talk to her one on one and tell her all this yoursself?

[SpawnHorcrux]

Ooooh v good EscapeFrom.

BohemianBint - no advice, but sorry you're feeling judged by your Mum. You know you're in the right!

[startouchedtrinity]

I think most children do things differently from their parents, bio or otherwise. You are happy with your choices, I wouldn't worry about what your mother thinks at all. It's sad for her that she sees things like she does, feel sorry for her but know you live your life in the way that is right for you. You don't need her approval.

[bohemianbint]

Thanks everyone. I've been thinking a conversation might be due TBH - I just think it's really wrong that I get treated like I'm still 15 or sommat. Yeah, I do things differently but I'm not a stupid person so I wish they would have some faith in what I'm doing. I constantly get told I make a rod for my own back because I've never really left DS to cry, and he's good as gold and not clingy at all, so I must have done something right.

I just don't understand why people think they can be so frickin rude to you once you've had a child - I think the things a lot of people do with their kids is not for me but I would never dream of criticising someone's parenting (to their face of course! ) unless they were doing something really harmful and I dunno why people think they can say whatever to me. I can't help but wonder if my sister or cousin would get the same treatment if they had a baby.

[popsycal]

Ignore. What a ridiculous thing to say. I would have been upset too though.

[startouchedtrinity]

You don't need their approval. Let all the rubbish wash over you and let your life and that of your ds be testament to your beliefs.

[Nightynight]

I never let my babies cry either if I could help it, and a midwife at the hosp trotted out the "making a rod for your own back" comment too. If it's any consolation to you, my in-laws (not british) found it socially unacceptable to let a baby cry. So your disapproving relatives would be the ones in the minority

[bohemianbint]

Cheers Startouched... I know you're right, but I find it difficult sometimes. I think I am just going to have to toughen up and take less shit. I've never responded and always carried on doing my own thing, I just wish the criticism wasn't so relentless!

I also really hope that this attitude doesn't get ingrained into my sister/cousin etc - I only managed to BF through sheer bloody mindedness, and I would be sad if they were pressured into FF if they had kids.

[Budababe]

Not defending your mum in any way but a lot of her generation DO find BF disgusting. Which is why most of our generation were FF. And then they trot out "it never did you any harm".

I didn't BF as DS went hysterical but am sure if I had I would have had some of the same comments. IN fact both of my sisters feel the same way.

[Budababe]

Ie = that BF is disgusting!

[lissie]

when your child (bio or otherwise) starts a family it brings your own parenting into sharp focus and by not doing things the same way as her she probably feels a bit insulted. this would be compounded by the fact that she isnt your bio mother. are you in touch with her?



my stepdad was very abusive and violent to me from a very early age (not my brothers tho) and when ds behaves like a 2y old (tantrums, mischief) he tells me to smack him, scare him into submission. if ds gets his words muddled up he calls him silly or stupid. it makes my blood boil. when i say no or pull him up on it, things get quite nasty.


but it sounds like you're doing great and should be very proud of yourself

[startouchedtrinity]

I think their criticism is based on fear, they don't understand your life or your beliefs. And you will be able to support your sister and cousin.

[startouchedtrinity]

lissie why do you let this awful man anywhere near you?

[lissie]

i didnt see my mum or brothers for 7y and never leave ds with him. unfortunately he's part of the package.

[GodzillasBumcheek]

I wouldn't take this too personally if you can possibly help it. People attitudes to breast or bottle feeding varies wildly - it depends on where you live and who you know. Most people i know are soooo pro-breast-feeding (and most wouldn't see anything wrong with bf until a year old - but wouldn't do it themselves, is all) that they frowned onmy choosing to bottle-feed. Just shows you can't win with some people either way.

I assume you were feeding him for your and your sons happiness and well-being so the old cow (sorry) can squod off really anyhoo

[GodzillasBumcheek]

I get the feeling i am a bit late in answering the OP...

[bohemianbint]

Lissie, that's rough, poor you, I'd probably explode! I was subjected to a chat yesterday about how naughty kids all need a slap and I swear if anyone ever hits my child there'll be serious bloody trouble. I'm not surprised you don't leave DS with him!

[bohemianbint]

Cheers GBC - I try not to take it personally but it gets a bit bloody tiresome. Imagine if I said to my mum, "I think it's disgusting you didn't bother to BF my sister?" I daresay that would be entirely unnacceptable...

[GodzillasBumcheek]

LL, I have been asked this before! Who do you think i am? I only joined in June this year so would be surprised if you were right!