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Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 15 16

Get advice and support with infant feeding from other users here.

Infant feeding

I am ashamed of myself for being so judgemental.

377 replies

Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 08:03

A mum from DD's school had a baby last week. I saw her yesterday and was chatting to her about all things baby. Then she got out a bottle and filled it with a carton of formula. I felt my heart sink and I thought, oh no, she hasn't even tried to breastfeed. I was about to say, 'I will be breastfeeding again next time' but held my tongue. I have no idea about her views, if she had problems with breastfeeding and I don't know her well enough to broach the subject.
It is such a personal issue, and so easy to offend someone. I just feel so sad and frustrated at myself for being unable to speak to her.

OP posts:

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auntymandy · 28/01/2007 08:03

oh dear.

sandcastles · 28/01/2007 08:05

You are right, you have no idea about her circumstances, it's not fair to judge!

misdee · 28/01/2007 08:07

GB, i was in sainsburys once, and saw a lovely gorgeous newborn, and i also felt sad when i saw the mum choosing a tin of formula.

but like you, held my tongue, didnt say anything. its such an emotional subject. I am lucky in some ways that there is a ladyat the school, who is also an 'extended' breastfeeder, so no-one bats an eyelid amongst our circle.

auntymandy · 28/01/2007 08:08

I bit my tongue!!

misdee · 28/01/2007 08:09

like you GB, i am also ashamed of myself sometimes.

Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 08:09

I know, sandcastles I know.
I am glad I didn't say anything. I have promised myself to go out of my way to be nice to her from now on.

Hell, there are worse things than formula.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2007 08:10

Well, if someone's already formula feeding, and isn't trying to chat with you about it, there isn't really any polite way to bring it up. Whatever her reasons for bottlefeeding, they aren't going to disappear because some woman you don't really know lectures you about breastfeeding.

misdee · 28/01/2007 08:11

Why does formula/breastfeeding makes us really weird and emotional?

i remember sobbing when i was giving dd1 top ups, and feeling awful.

auntymandy · 28/01/2007 08:13

I believe brast is best.......for me!
I wouldnt assume everyone else is happy to do it.
I wouldnt force any of my believes on anyone or judge them for theirs.
Its quite predjadice (sp)

NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2007 08:13

The only time I was really tempted was when I saw a pregnant woman buying a tin of powdered formula. I wasn't tempted to say something about breastfeeding, just about the powdered stuff not being safe in the first three weeks.

misdee · 28/01/2007 08:15

i never knew powdered stuff isnt safe, why is that?

Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 08:15

NQC, that is precisely the reason I didn't say anythng. Along with all the other things women have to suffer postnatally, I am sure she didn't want a clever so and so lecturing her about how 'breast is best'.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2007 08:21

Powdered milk is sometimes contaminated with Enterobacter sakazakii, which causes problems in newborns. Parents should use cartons of readymade for newborns.

NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2007 08:23

There was a quite unwell premie baby at DS1's old school (well, ok, he was a younger sibling, before any pedants get on my case), who seemed to just get worse and worse, oxygen all the time, etc etc. She was bottlefed. Although, of course, preemies are harder to breastfeed than non-preemie babies, but they need it more than fullterm babies, too.

sandcastles · 28/01/2007 08:24

NCQ, I had to formula feed. DD had a special prescription only, powered milk, not available in liquid alternative, never did her any harm

Jessiecat · 28/01/2007 08:25

I resorted to using top-up formula feeds on the advice of my midwife when my ds was only 12 days old. I am absolutely gutted and feel like a total failure, but ds was losing weight (10% less birthweight on discharge from hospital and 13% less birthweight 11 days later). With different support things might have been different but I wasn't sure how much longer I could have let ds lose weight. At a time when your emotions are all over the place anyway, it's a vicious circle - you feel guilty for giving in to formula and guilty for him losing weight. I know there are some women who choose formula for personal reasons, but as you all point out, some of us are desperate to breastfeed exclusively and hate giving formula. I really hope to give up the top ups when his weight has stabilised.

noddyholder · 28/01/2007 08:27

How do you know she never tried?

NotQuiteCockney · 28/01/2007 08:29

The risk of Enterobacter sakazakii is pretty small, but I believe it can be fatal. I'd hope that a special milk only available in powder would be specially prepared to avoid Enterobacter sakazakii?

CamomileTea · 28/01/2007 08:32

when I was pg with my first dd I went to all the breasfeeding classes and believed that breastfeeding was the only way to go.

But my dd couldn't feed at all - I tried the NCT breastfeeding counsellor, tubes on my nipples to syphon milk, all sorts. I was expressing every three hours, feeding, sterilising the tubes, and crying. Every three hours.

I felt completely bereft and a failure. I would go to NCT coffee mornings and get my bottle out and feel all their eyes on me. It was horrible.

I found out a year later that she had cerebral palsy. Children with special needs often can't feed but the reason isn't found out for some time.

If someone had come up to me with some facile well-meaning information about breastfeeding at that point I could have done two things - broke down into tears or, later in the process, hit them.

No, you shouldn't judge. It's not your place and you have no idea what causes people to reach decisions like this.

(I now have a NT 2-year-old who is still breastfeeding, btw. And I'm Cappuccino, in case anyone's wondering)

Gingerbear · 28/01/2007 08:33

That is my point noddyholder, I don't know if she tried or not, but that was the first shameful thought that entered my head.

OP posts:

nearlythree · 28/01/2007 08:36

Not being able to bfeed is horrible - I've been through it twice, although in the middle I did bfeed dd2 for 2 yrs. You feel like less of a mother, less of a woman. It's not so bad the second time but the first...I rarely fed dd1 in public b/c I was so ashamed.

CatBert · 28/01/2007 08:39

I knew a woman who breast fed for a couple of weeks, developed mastitis, which got very seriously infected (it was shocking) and she was pretty traumatised about it. Second time around, she didn't even contemplate b/f. Likewise, she had back to back, terrible birth first time around - and had elective c/s second time around.

Some people just are too afraid to face the difficulties. For her it was pain. I didn't blame her.

As it turned out - she enjoyed her second baby more in the early weeks, because she wasn't traumatised by difficult birth / feeding issues.

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lissielou · 28/01/2007 08:46

agree with nearlythree, fgs theres so much pressure on us to be fab at everything that we forget that a happy contented baby is far more important than the way we feed. i was devestated at not bfing ds. i didnt buy any bottles etc coz failure WAS NOT AN OPTION. we all know that breast is best but some women cant bf, some babies cant bf, and some women want their bodies back after 9m, and none of them should be judged

HEIFER · 28/01/2007 09:08

I'm glad that you didn't say anything Gingerbear, because as you say you don't know why she wasn't bf...

I am another one that assumed I would be - went to breast feeding classes beforehand, but then just couldn't...

mixture of my nipps and DD not latching on etc... it took me 3 days of trying to express and not getting a drop out before finalling admiting out loud that I wanted to stop.. (had a very tramatic birth, GA Csection etc and had to go back down to theatre for a blood tap 2 days later)..

With everything else that was going on it was just one step too far for me (even though I thought it was very imporant)... I felt a bit pressured to make a decision on whether I was going to ff or not as they would up the amount for DD if that was the case. so I had to make a decision on day 3.

I was so upset and embarrassed for ages after.. I am actually really thankful that I didn't find mumnset until DD was around 6 months, as I would have felt worse if I had seen all the bf v ff posts at the time...

So please when you do see someone FF please don't assume that they never tried - or didn't care enough..

colditz · 28/01/2007 09:11

Also can I makeb a point here?

The way you choose to feed your baby is not proportionately linked with how much you love your baby.

People who CHOOSE formula don't love their children less than people who choose to breastfeed. Why is breastfeeding such a... badge?

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