Anyone had experience of getting a 3.5 yr old to give up bfing?

[Manoo]

I'm really struggling with my 3.5yr old ds at the moment. He is pretty much weaned in the daytime (unless we have a bath together, which I try and avoid, but sometimes do if he is tired and fractious). He's always been a frequent waker, and used to require the boob in the night, but we'd managed to drop that and when/if he wakes in the night he's mostly happy to have me lie down next to him to go back to sleep, which is much better for me than bfing. He would then bf on waking - I still find this a bit irritating, but can bear it more when it's morning and we're all supposed to be awake, than in the night/early hours.

However, he's recently started demanding the boob again when he wakes at around 5am. I'm pregnant at the mo, and so am getting really irritated with him and this bfing. He used to accept me saying 'just one minute of milkies and then back to sleep' but this morning, and a few other mornings recently he totally refuses and gets very very angry at the suggestion that he stop (even when I do my usual explaining that the 'milkies' are tired/need a sleep etc).

I then get very angry, and explode and say all the wrong things. Some monster seems to take me over at that time of day, and I find myself being very cruel to him. I know logically that all the things I'm saying will probably just make him cling and want to bf more (tell him angrily that he's a big boy, not a baby, and i go on and on at him about how much I hate giving him 'milkies'), but it just makes me so angry I lose my temper.

Anyone had any experience of this? I was happy with extended bfing but expected it to fizzle out between three & four. He's four in May and so passionate about the boob that I'm worried he'll never stop. I saw the documentary with a woman feeding an 8 yr old, and whilst I believe that is up to her and her daughter, I really really don't want it to go on that long!

Sorry for the long post.

[moondog]

Oh please don't say crule things to him.
I think it's a sleep/security issue more than anything else.

You need to set up a consistent plan of action.
Have you a dh to help yopu with settling him at night?

[hercules1]

I stopped ds at 4 and dd at 3. Very simple really as they could understand stuff. Dont say mean things, it will only make him insecure and upset and want to feed more.

Each time I stopped I coincidentally had to take medicine that meant I couldnt breastfeed anway and explained that to both kids. They were upset to a certain extent but realised it would make them ill if they had breastmilk.

DD would cry a little at night but I would hug her instead and it only took a couple of nights for her to stop asking. She has taken to lying on my arm instead now but I can easily get away from this by slipping my arm out when she is asleep.

In the morning we got out of bed straight away so avoiding lying in bed when she would normally feed.

It was pretty stress free fro all concerned.

[sunnysideup]

Manoo, I think you definitely need to make a decision either way; your irritation comes because you obviously feel a bit at the mercy of his demands...you don't know when they'll come, you don't know how tired you'll be, etc etc.

He desperately needs you to be completely clear and consistent; he has milkies on waking and at bedtime, or he has milkies when he likes and you don't get angry about it, or he stops it altogether.....it's up to you but you need to decide and you need to make it clear to him. It's just unfair on him at present, he doesn't know when it will be ok and when you might get angry with him!

[Manoo]

Thank you for your replies. Moondog - I do have a dh, who (after seeing me in tears again this morning), has suggested that he go in to our ds instead of me, to help wean him off.

Problem with that is that I don't feel able to listen to the resultant crying and screaming - yet I also feel unable to carry on bfing in the night.

Sunnyside up, you are right about me feeling at the mercy of his demands - this extends into our daytime relationship at the mo too, as he is a very strong willed child who won't be told no, and I feel that to avoid constant tantrums I let myself be bossed around by him (which makes me feel powerless and angry). I did think that I'd made it clear to him no milkies in the night, just in the morning, but perhaps I've only tried to convey that when angry, and need to have a calm discussion with him in the daytime.

I wish I could stop crying and didn't feel like I was having a blooming breakdown over this! I feel so guilty that I am unable to keep giving him what he obviously needs and wants, yet I feel embarrassed and ashamed about letting a child so big still bf. So many people on mn, or in the la leche league books seem to have lovely little ones who gently give up the boob at an acceptable age, whereas I have this intense demanding creature who I suspect and fear will never ever give up if left to self wean (which is what I wanted to do).

[sunnysideup]

oh, manoo you poor thing....perhaps it would help to simply assess the situation in light of the reality; yes you wanted to self wean because you are a lovely nurturing mum, but you have a strong willed boy who as you say on balance, might be one of those children who don't want to give up! There is simply no way of knowing if he will or won't but you need to make life happier NOW, don't you....

There is no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about carrying on however the reality is that you DO feel that.

I would say think about whether you are being kinder to yourself and your child if you make a break and just stop. Ok you wanted to do it a different way but you have to play the cards you are dealt when you have kids.

Also look at whether it's his other 'bossy' behaviour that makes the bfing more annoying to you.....some boys really thrive on and need firm boundaries which I know I sometimes struggle with; I hate coming on strong to ds but he really needs me to be clear and show him where the boundaries are....is there an element of this with your ds?

[KTeePee]

Haven't done extended breastfeeding myself, but with a child of that age, star charts are often a good idea if you want them to change behaviour. I used one recently with ds2 (nearly 3) to stop him coming into our bed - only took a couple of nights to break the habit. Now I need to tackle the night-time waking demanding a bottle!

[MrsApron]

where the feck has my huge post gone?

Will be back later.

[Manoo]

I think you're right sunnyside up, I have lots to think about. I'm feeling so emotional and weepy this morning (and therefore not being entirely rational about any of it), that I'd probably be best trying to get through the day (ds back from nursery soon), and seeing if I can calm down and work out my priorities, and the best approach to take, when he's gone to bed this evening.

I think I've got all confused and no longer know what's what!

Sorry you lost your huge post Mrs Apron - am very keen to know what you said now!

ps - sunnyside up, you could be right about it being the bossy daytime behaviour making me resent the night feeding more.

[DaisyMOO]

Hi Manoo

I'm also b/f a very strong-willed child who will be 4 in May, but we have got the feeds down to a real minimum. I found that when I was pregnant she did want to feed a lot, and I think part of it was feeling insecure because of the new baby arriving. I tried to go with it for much of the pregnancy but by about 35 weeks I wanted to start getting her ready for the new baby by not being dependent on me for sleeping and so my husband started putting her to bed and dealing with her in the night if she woke. There were a few tears, but it did help and cut down feeds a lot, just to the mornings and then when the new baby arrived she started to see the milk as being more for him than her and she now only feeds very occasionally.

We did have a few tears, but to be brutally honest, I think if you don't get it sorted now before the baby arrives it is going to be far harder, especially if you are already sleep-deprived from having a newborn around.

HTH a bit

[hercules1]

You have to decide you are going to stop and stick to it. There will be a few days of tears and tantrums but as hard as it is to believe it will pass. I find it hard to believe that I am no longer breastfeeding and thought I'd be doing it forever. You have to accept there will be tears. Nothing bad will happen to him. You need to remain resolute and calm. He will get over it. Honestly.