Dh over feeding 3 month old

[SamSam49]

Hi everyone.
My LO is 3 months and fed expressed milk. I take care of him most of the time but whenever dh is with him, we argue about LO & his milk intake. When I'm looking after him alone, he's fine & doesn't cry much. I feed him about 6-7 4-5oz bottles a day which he seems fine with. He's growing fine and hasn't lost any weight since I gave birth.
However, whenever dh is looking after him, LO is very fussy and dh thinks this means he's hungry. He literally forces the teat into his mouth. LO sucks a couple of times then spits it out still crying. Then dh tries again until the whole bottle is gone.
He doesn't believe it's possible to over feed a baby (which is probably true for breastfed babies) & he thinks every time he cries that it means he's hungry.
Just today, I fed him a 6oz bottle (as he hasn't been fed for a few hours) an hour and a half ago and LO is fussy again. Dh is telling me to give him more milk whereas I'm sure he's tired.
It's getting really frustrating.
Does anyone have any information I can give to dh so that he understands over feeding is possible?

Thanks

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

I would not let him feed the baby until he can act like a responsible adult and stop force feeding his child.

[SamSam49]

Lol I would but I need him to take care of LO while I pump milk. I just think he doesn't know how to console a fussy baby so he panics and just shoves his mouth with a bottle.

[MrsAukerman]

Maybe write out a vague schedule for the day? How many naps does baby have? Start to build the basics of a routine and then dh might be better equipped to anticipate what baby will need next.
Also, I know this is not what you asked about and I'm sorry if it's a sore point but is there a reason you're expressing rather than breastfeeding? It sounds awfully time-consuming.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

If baby is spitting g milk out then personally I don't think it could be clearer that they don't want it. He's not panicking he's lazy. He can't be arsed to figure out what's wrong with the baby.

I'd consider it abusive tbh. you wouldn't grab a 5 year old and shove food in their mouths so why a baby?

its not info he needs. It's a bloody stern --yelling- talking to

[SamSam49]

MrsAukerman
He doesn't believe in routines and even if he did, I doubt he'd be able to enforce it. LO fusses quite a bit before he goes to sleep, dh thinks this is a sign of hunger even though I tell him to just keep trying. He doesn't have a set number of naps but he sleeps after 1-1.5hours of being awake which works for us but if he stays awake longer than this he gets overtired and cries for ages which dh thinks is hunger again.
I would LOVE to breastfeed but LO is refusing because I think he prefers bottles so I have no choice but to pump :(. I have another thread about this

Giles I wish he would listen to a word I'm saying! LO just woke up 20 minutes into a nap whereas he normally sleeps for 2 hours. Hes crying and now he's threatening to give him more milk. I'm so frickin stressed argh

[MrsAukerman]

I don't really believe in routines but they do naturally appear. Does dh know that baby only stays awake for 1-1.5 hrs at a time for example?

[SamSam49]

Yeah I've explained that to him. He doesn't mind this but he struggles to put LO to sleep so he wants to feed him to sleep which I'm against. Id prefer to feed him on waking.

[AppleAndBlackberry]

How about trying a dummy if you think DS is tired and not hungry? If he doesn't settle with the dummy then he may well be hungry and it may be worth trying another bottle then.

[PotteringAlong]

I think I'd let him figure it out for himself instead of hovering over him - he will never instinctively know if you don't give him any leeway to have an instinct.

[SamSam49]

He's not a big fan of the dummy unless I use it to rock him to sleep. I'm sure he's still tired as I can make him go back to sleep within 5 minutes by rocking him but it is hard work so I just want dh to be able to get him to sleep too so I can have a break sometimes.

Pottering Yeah there was a point I just gave up and let him feed him when he wants because I got tired of all the arguing but it's just hard watching him shove milk down his throat when he clearly doesn't want it.
I just want to give him info about over feeding being possible and the consequences of it so maybe he'll believe me then.

[PotteringAlong]

Do you say it once though or do you harp on about it (I'm not asking you to answer, just think about it)? Because if you keep going on about it the chances are he's not listening to you. And maybe he needs to try it, see it doesn't work and then develop his own ways. He's not in sole care 24/7 so in reality one extra bottle of milk will so no damage whatsoever. I'd just back off a bit and see what happens. Unless you believe he's deliberately trying to hurt the baby (in which case you've got bigger problems) cut him a bit of slack. He doesn't get the time or the learning curve you do.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Would this page from Kellymom help?

kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding-tools/bottle-feeding/

There's a PDF link on that page as well so you could print it out for him.

It's important that he listens to you and you both agree on a method of feeding. I would be very unhappy with forcing the teat into your baby's mouth and trying to get a bottle down him whether he's hungry or not. I wouldn't be bothered about offering a feed every time he's unsettled - as long as it is genuinely offered and not forced.

[SamSam49]

I understand what you're saying but it doesn't seem like he wants to learn. He doesn't think anything happens as a result of what he does eg LO used to sleep for 6-7 hours straight, have a feed and then go straight back to sleep when I used to get up with him alone. But since dh has been getting up with him, he wakes up a couple of times at night and won't resettle for 1-2 hours. I suggested that he doesn't put the light on or play with him when he gets up to feed him but he just ignores this and does whatever he likes. I'm not blaming him for LO getting up all the time but surely if he stopped making night feeds so exciting it could help. I also do tell him I appreciate his help but I just wish he would stop being so pig headed about certain things

[SamSam49]

CultureSucks Thank you! I'll have a look at that page.

[downgraded]

Your other half sounds like an absolute prize cunt.

I'd be telling him to get his fucking hands off my baby full stop.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

Gosh, I would be cross about him not listening to you about nighttime feeds. You are the one with the most experience of your baby, he needs to listen to you. You're not being unreasonable or overly controlling - you're simply telling him information that will help him care for your DS.

Was he like this before or is it a new thing with the baby? I would try and talk to him about it at a calm time eg when baby is asleep in the daytime and explain that it's not about doing it your way, it's about doing the best for your baby between you. An over tired baby in the day time as a result of an unsettled night is not a good thing for you to have to deal with.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Please stop saying he's over feeding.

He's FORCE feeding.

would you be happy if he hit your baby? This is no different. He's hurting him with food. He must have rotten tummy ache

[PourquoiTuGachesTaVie]

I still wouldn't let him near my baby until he stops being horrible, stupid and abusive towards him.

[SamSam49]

He's definitely not doing it to harm LO. He just genuinely thinks he's right and that if LO didn't want milk then he wouldn't suck. I've seen his family do it a lot with their kids to make them finish the bottle and he is influenced by them very much so he thinks it's OK. They also don't believe in babies getting overtired. He thinks because they have more experience with babies than me that their way is right. They've also tried to convince dh to give LO formula and sugar water since he was a newborn but there's no way I would allow that.

I'm going to try and give him more information from online to see if he will change his mind. I look after LO most of the time anyway so it's only mainly an issue on the weekends and nighttime.

Thanks for the replies.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Not being funny but he's an adult he should step up and inform himself.

where on earth do you have to be living in order to not know babies suck. Please do t excuse laziness and abuse with ignorance cos my kids could figure out he's not hungry so a grown man should be able to.

[MumOfTheMoment]

Your other half sounds like an absolute prize cunt.

I'd be telling him to get his fucking hands off my baby full stop.

^This.

[popalot]

shudder. I would take over all feeding and child care duties. He's upsetting your baby and you by behaving like Mr Right. Do this subtly, suggest he gets the rest at night because he's working or some bs like that. Take over the feeding and ask him to get such and such out of the loft. Anything so that your baby has a calm, loving feed rather than spluttering on milk or sugar water when all they want is a little sleep. It's cruel and that 's that. If your dh wanted info, he would have found it. I'm afraid your only option is to take back the reins on this one for your baby's sake. He must be getting quite distressed.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Sam ask yourself this.

If you were on MN and you saw a a post saying " dp won't feed the baby. His mum says at 2 months he should be eating 4 oz every 4 hours and he won't give him. any more even though he's still screaming after draining a bottle. when I get home from work my baby is practically chewing his fingers off he's so hungry but I'm not allowed to feed him until dp says it's time. He's awake several times a night but I'm only allowed to feed him at 2.00 as that's what his mum said. He's so miserable. what do I do?"

would you think.he needed a printed off page of some sodding kellymom site. or would you think he was a dick head abusing his baby because it's obvious what's wrong with him . and he refuses to feed him?

what your dp is doing is no different! !!

[hopefulmum79]

Hey I was just reading your posts. I've got a 4 year old and an 11 week old boy. Your hubby sounds like mine when we first had our son. He just doesn't really know what to do! I got round it by taking charge and even writing out the routine, changing it as he got bigger. You are doing really well but you must make it clear that you are his primary carer and not him and you call the shots as to when he is fed!I'm wondering if he gets much time after work to see him and that is why he makes a fuss over him at night? Def agree with popalot that you should sneakily take over the care until things settle! Know my hubby barely saw our 1st and now 2nd son when little due to bed-time/ work-time and he was exactly the same. I introduced an evening walk- just hubby and baby and it really worked!


Our 11 week old has been told by our hv to have a dummy as it helps them to remember to breathe when they are going to sleep and helps to develop the muscle above the stomach which stops reflux. It also helps when they are overstimulated and past their nap time- yes over stimulation is documented so tell your oh to look it up! My oh was really against it but after a week or so of trying to cope he got with it!

And yes my 11 week old has a specific cry when he's overtired- he fusses when he's feeding and starts to cry then he leans his head back and really goes for it. It doesn't last long! and he loves being patted and sucking on his dummy to calm him.

When i was on holiday with my very lovely and well meaning family recently they kept telling me to formula feed, feed my son before he was due as he was crying, when he needed to sleep etc etc! I made it quite clear that i knew what I was doing and soon they stopped as they could see it was working! I never did that with my first one and everyone told me what to do.

Stick to what you feel is right- you're doing so well! xx

[SamSam49]

Hopefulmum Yeah I guess I will have to take over lo's care right now. I think you're right about it being because dh doesn't see lo much. Even when I leave lo for a while and come back, I feel lost so I can't imagine how it is for him barely seeing lo. An evening walk sounds like a great idea. I have realised when dh takes lo out, he comes back with the bottle of milk I gave him still full so I think you're onto something.
We have been introducing a dummy more and more. Lo has been accepting it more so we'll see how it goes.
I so get you with the pressure from family to formula feed (I don't know why they're so bothered like it's their own child!) but it's great your family backed off. Hopefully dhs family will eventually get the message and back off too.
Gosh I don't know how you're managing with a 4 year old and an 11 week old. I'm struggling with just one lol. Thanks for the advice though!